‘Bachelor’ recap: All is not OK for Andi, Juan Pablo in fantasy suite

I hope ABC has learned its lesson.

You can’t just cast a hot dude with an accent to be “The Bachelor” and think it’s a done deal. Even we of “Bachelor” nation can only stand for a baseline level of vapidness. Otherwise, we shall revolt.

And revolt, we have. I mean, is there literally anyone out there still rooting for Juan Pablo to find love at the end of this season? If so, please raise your hand. Seriously. I want to know you.

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If it isn’t obvious already -- duh, the fantasy suites were a total disaster. OK -- that’s a tad unfair. They weren’t a complete wash, because there were two women left on the show still willing to delude themselves into believing JuanPabs is a worthy life partner.

Let’s start with Clare. Once arriving in St. Lucia, she was the first lady to get a precious 24 hours with Sir Galavis. I would recap what happened pre-fantasy suite, except that then I would be pretending those exchanges mattered whatsoever. Basically, they went on a yacht, Clare swam in the ocean for the second time in her life, she fake-debated spending the night with him because she cares so much about his image as a father. Yes, let’s not make Juan Pablo look bad here.

P.S. -- Remember a few weeks ago, when Clare sneaked out to have a late-night rendezvous in the ocean? Sure you do. They made out post-midnight in the waves and then the next day, he basically told her it had been a big mistake and made her feel bad about her sexual urges. Understandably, Clare was a bit hesitant to jump in the sack with him in St. Lucia for fear he might slut-shame her again. Alas, he told her, this is week nine! This is what you do on week nine! You sleep together! She nodded quietly and accepted a key with a ribbon on it.

“Since the day he blindfolded me in the car and told me to trust him, I knew there was something there,” she mused later in an interview. If you start any sentence with the phrase “since the day he blindfolded me,” you need to reevaluate your life choices.

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So, they slept together. How do I know this? Because he told Andi the next night while trying to sleep with her!

Yes, really.

Where do I even begin with this one?

First of all: This week is a massive win for the Dorfman family of Atlanta. Hy Dorfman was the obvious winner of the hometown date episode Monday, schooling JuanPabs when he asked for Andi’s hand in marriage. And then his daughter took it to a whole new level in St. Lucia.

Her date with JP started out fine enough. They went to Dennery Seafood Fiesta -- which just sounds jovial, doesn’t it? -- to eat fish and play drums. They also creeped on some local kids. Trying to show off his parenting skills, JuanPabs insisted on buying one of the little boys some juice. It was bizarre, and the frightened child reluctantly accepted the juice before throwing it back in Juan Pablo’s face while screaming “You’re not my father!” The last part didn’t happen. But what if?

Before heading to the fantasy suite, Juan Pablo brought up an unsettling conversation he’d had with Andi in her hometown. He worried, he said, that Andi had so “badly” wanted to be in love that she was trying to “force” it. I felt weird, because this was the first time he actually initiated a conversation all season.

The talk went so well that -- shocker! -- JuanPabs decided to take Andi back to his new fantasy suite for round two.

Because of the Super! Dramatic! Teasers! we all knew what was coming.

“Waking up this morning,” Andi recounted in an interview, “I could not wait to get out of the fantasy suite.”

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OK, so I’m not going to lie -- given that line, I had imagined something so bad going down in the fantasy suite. Like, next-level-bad. I’m scared my mind even went to that place. Not that what actually occurred wasn’t tragic, of course.

Here’s what went down: In the suite, Andi said, she started to realize that JuanPabs really wasn’t interested in her feelings. He talked mostly about himself, and never seemed interested in asking her about her life. Apparently, he name-dropped. And then he told her he’d spent the night with Clare.

“I’m not an idiot,” she fumed. “I don’t need him to tell me about an overnight when I didn’t even ask.”

Of course, Juan Pablo thought the entire evening was a smash. They could talk and laugh for hours, he said. So imagine his surprise when, before the rose ceremony, Andi’s little confessional video popped up and she wasn’t declaring her love for him. While Clare and Nikki -- oh yeah, oops, she had a date too, and they also hooked up -- waxed poetic about the former pro soccer player, Andi said she’d come to some realizations in the suite that she wanted to share.

That’s when things got good. After walking down the longest dirt road in all of St. Lucia, Andi finally arrived to confront JuanPabs. In the fantasy suite, she revealed, she came to understand she wasn’t in love with him.

“That’s fine,” he said, his hands obviously all over her face, because he’s Juan Pablo. “That’s OK. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.”

This was pretty much the same blase reaction Juan Pablo had a few weeks ago, when his supposed frontrunner Sharleen departed the show. I thought it was bizarre then that he showed so little emotion when Sharleen peaced out, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, assuming perhaps he was trying to keep his emotions close to the vest on national television. Alas, this was not the case.

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Andi too was bothered by Juan Pablo’s dismissive reaction.

“It shouldn’t just be OK,” she protested. “When you say it’s OK, it bothers me.”

“I cannot force you to feel something for me,” he said. “If you don’t feel it, there’s nothing I can do.”

While that is true, JuanPabs, perhaps you could have still shown just a smidge of emotion. Sure, you didn’t have to cry, but why not say you were sad she was leaving without her prompting you to do so? Ay yi yi.

Oh, but Andi wasn’t finished. Why, she asked, did he have to rub it in her face that he’d slept with Clare a night prior?

“I’m being honest,” he replied. “You know there’s three overnights.”

This was the only point on which I could vaguely see JuanPabs’ perspective. Obviously, it was insensitive of him to point out that he had just had sex with another woman. But she did know how the game goes, and was willing to play it.

More gross, however, was that JP apparently joked about Andi being there by “default.” He insisted he hadn’t said this word because he hardly understood it, which was a quasi-believable argument because his vocabulary is certainly limited.

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“I said you barely made it here,” he clarified. Oh, much better.

The fight raged on. She said he had never once asked her about her religion, or her view on social issues. He said she should have brought those topics up if they were so important to her. She told him to never again say “it’s OK” because it is a bad and annoying phrase. I agreed. He tried to touch her face again. She warned him not to mess up her makeup. I nominated her for president.

Needless to say, Andi then walked off into the sunset, where her obvious future as the next “Bachelorette” awaits her. Meanwhile, back in the actual world, Sharleen shared a picture of her at dinner with Andi and Kelly the dog lover in which Kelly is touching Andi’s face. The caption read “Esss oh-kay.”

The fact that three women who competed for Juan Pablo’s affection are so openly mocking him before the season has ended is, frankly, amazing. Has there ever been a season where not only America, but basically the entire cast, turned on “The Bachelor”?

Oh, P.S., I totally think Clare is going to win. If anyone cares. Which they don’t. But it’s OK, ABC. Better luck next time.

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