Super Bowl 2016 commercial challenge: Amy Schumer vs. Helen Mirren, Doritos vs. Mountain Dew

Feb. 5, 2016 6 AM PT

For all the Internet’s flaws, it’s still an invaluable resource for people who just can’t wait to watch the newest Super Bowl ads. In less sophisticated times, individuals would have to wait, like animals, until commercials aired on live television before experiencing the wonder that is multimillion-dollar advertising.

To add insult to injury, these advertising aficionados used to be forced to watch a football game, perhaps of questionable quality, before they could get to that gem of corporate sponsorship.

Now, thankfully, all one has to do to experience all the glory of Super Bowl ads is to open a browser days before the game and enjoy. Dozens of Super Bowl ads have already made it online, so in keeping with the competitive spirit of the occasion, here are a few notable ads that are already competing for your pocketbook money.

Bud Light versus Budweiser

Nothing says pyrrhic victory more than seeing two beers owned by the same parent company compete. Both ads went for big-name star power, though how they utilized said star power couldn’t have been more different.

Bud Light

Pros: Amy Schumer and Seth Rogen are funny. America’s loves: Paul Rudd, ~~emojis~~, ~~raccoons~~, beer. “Independence Day” speech.
Cons: Bud Light.

Budweiser

Pros: Helen Mirren throwing shade. Non-preachy delivery of an important topic.
Cons: Helen Mirren doesn’t go full Carl’s Jr. on that burger.

Winner: Bud Light

Skittles versus Snickers

Skittles is airing a Super Bowl commercial for just the second time in the company's history, whereas Snickers won a Clio Award for last year’s offering featuring Danny Trejo and Steve Buscemi in a throwback to the “Brady Bunch.” This year both ads share a common theme of being complete nightmare fuel.

Skittles

Pros: “Dream On.” Steven Tyler’s mustache. Steven Tyler’s Lily Munster hair.
Cons: Inexplicable singing Steven Tyler painting made out of Skittles.

Snickers

Pros: Willem Defoe as Marilyn Monroe.
Cons: Willem Defoe as Marilyn Monroe.

Winner: Snickers

Doritos versus Mountain Dew

In a match-up that serves as the equivalent of your average gamer’s “Sophie’s Choice,” Mountain Dew, a relative newbie in the Super Bowl commercial game faces off against the well established advertising machine that is Doritos. One of these commercials is rather clever. The other will unintentionally have you sleeping with the lights on until draft day. Guess which is which.

Doritos

Pros: Causing an entire nation to remember the existence of Vitamin C’s “Graduation (Friends Forever)." Handy way to revisit 10 years of prior advertising.
Cons: Is essentially a commercial for other commercials.

Mountain Dew

Pros: Raises profile of Mountain Dew Kickstart, something that exists.
Cons: Why? Why would they do that? Why are all of these commercials so horrifying?

Winner: Doritos

Amazon versus Coca-Cola

If there were going to be a corporation that took over the world, odds are it would be one of these two. Which makes it so surprising that each has such weak offerings for the Super Bowl this year. Maybe when you get as big as Coke or Amazon, the product just advertises itself.

Amazon

Pros: Alec Baldwin appears to be Jack Donaghy all the time now. Dan Marino takes notes.
Cons: A lot of effort for a poor man’s Siri. Also, not really funny?

Coca-Cola

Pros: Nice. Filmic. Probably looks great on a 4-K television.
Cons: So boring. I think Coke has made this commercial 40 times already: “Beautiful young people all around the world living life and drinking sugar water!”

Winner: Coca-Cola

Colgate versus Heinz

Sure, these two items don’t really go together. In fact, if you tried to consume them too close together, you’d have a bad time. And yet, both are items that you probably forget about until you realize you’re completely out of it and then wonder how you ever lived without it. That’s probably a stretch, but what it comes down to is that Heinz had to go up against someone and Colgate drew the short straw.

Colgate

Pros: An important message that aims to hit audiences right where it hurts: their First World privilege.
Cons: A huge bummer, especially in the middle of an event that celebrates so many of the ridiculous excesses of American life. Sheesh, read the room, Colgate.

Heinz