Chris Erskine’s pro football prenup

Among my many contributions to modern life — chocolate pajamas and Non-Virgin Atlantic Airlines — I now offer up the Pro Football Prenup, a legal document that spells out certain behaviors between couples during the upcoming season.

Because from what I understand, quite a bit of conflict can occur.

Me, I’m mostly a gentle soul. I did once throw a toaster — Pop-Tarts and all — through the television during a Bears-Falcons preseason game. It was, witnesses say, a perfect spiral.

I also once screamed so loud that I got turf toe on my tongue.

Today, in addition to the giant horse tranquilizers I sprinkle on my Coco Pops, I am simply a more evolved person. I hurl things at the television only during the playoffs.

So, who better to guide football-loving couples through the ups and downs of a new NFL season?

Without further delay of game, here is your standard Pro Football Prenup. It’s free, and admissible in any sports bar in America.

FYI, my wife and I sign one of these prior to every season, in the presence of a judge and three hairy hominids I presume are her uncles (though one of them might be an aunt).

THINGS YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT THROW

• Bricks

• Beer bottles

• Remote controls

• Wedding gifts

• Wedding rings

• Photos of her mother

• Her Chihuahua

• Handfuls of your own hair

THINGS YOU SHOULD THROW

• Popcorn

• Penalty flags

• Pillows

• Pizza crust

• Snack foods with dopey names (Cheez-Its, Nutter Butter)

• Fireworks

• Money

THINGS MEN CANNOT SAY DURING A FOOTBALL GAME

• “Hey waitress, another round here!” to your wife or girlfriend

• Any words beginning with the letter “F”

• Hurtful things about the people she works with

• Anything that would make bile rise up from your upper intestine

• Stuff that would make your mother weep

THINGS WOMEN CANNOT SAY DURING A FOOTBALL GAME

• Wanna help me with the thank-you notes?

• Which one’s Derek Jeter?

• I’d really rather watch “The View”

• Hey, does this divorce decree make me look fat?

IT’S TIME TO TURN OFF THE TV WHEN:

• You forget how to read

• You forget how to walk

• The couch starts to produce its own cheese curds

• Your husband starts calling you “Zeke”

• Intimate moments begin with “OK HUDDLE UP!”

• Someone face-paints the dog

• Little cocktail wienies turn up in your slippers

• Your husband decides to reenact famous plays from football history — in his boxers

• The kids start referring to Al Michaels as “dad”

• She bends over and hikes you your dinner

IF EITHER OF YOU VIOLATE MORE THAN 10 TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT:

• See a lawyer

• Sue a lawyer

• Marry a lawyer

• Tap another keg of beer

chris.erskine@latimes.com

twitter.com/erskinetimes