Exclusive: Vatican’s five fashion sins

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The Vatican exclusively contacted the Rage to ask if she could add these five fashion faux pas to its modernized list of mortal sins.

1. Thou shalt not wear gold lame short-shorts--a.k.a Satan panties--from American Apparel unless thou art a tart.

2. Thou shalt not fight over the straightening iron. In fact, thou shalt confer over which thou will be going out with flat hair, which, incidentally, looks extremely fussy and fey on a dude.

3. Thou shalt not wear brown lip liner with no lipstick. Evil. Makes the devil dance a jig and cause droughts.

4. Thou shalt never ever ever wear a boa. Ever.

5. Thou shalt not dress like a naughty Catholic school girl gone teen runaway meets a Vegas stripper when thou art, like, 30-plus. The Pope really hates that look.