‘Dancing With the Stars’: The 100th episode

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When I signed on to be a Show Tracker, I don’t think I realized how stressful it could be. See, time is of the essence; you can’t just save something on your TiVo and then watch it when you want to, glass/bottle of wine in hand. No, you’ve got to post right away, which means that when your local ABC affiliate (not naming any names, KCRG) repeatedly cuts away to inform you of severe weather in distant counties, you resent it. It occurs to you that perhaps some parameters should be established for what constitutes severe weather, particularly here in the Upper Midwest, where, you know, people are used to it. And here’s what I’ve come up with: I don’t want to hear about it unless it involves a tornado (F2 or higher) or can be slipped in during a commercial break. At the fourth or fifth interruption, the meteorologist at least expressed awareness that we wanted to be watching ‘DWTS,’ and, thankfully, we got to see the elimination segments. (I did line up a backup viewer on the West Coast, however, in case I missed any dramatic moments. That’s how committed I am to you.)

So tonight was the 100th episode of ‘DWTS,’ and, to celebrate, the judges picked their top 10 dances of the first five seasons, and Marissa Jaret Winokur’s fans prevented her from being eliminated. Let’s start with the top 10 dances (all of which received perfect scores) in reverse order. At 10th was season one champions Kelly Monaco and Alec’s dance from the sixth week: a freestyle number with lots of spinning and lifting. In ninth place we see season five contestants Sabrina Bryan and Mark performing a paso doble that, as judge Bruno suggested, showed what might have been, had they not been so rudely eliminated. Eighth place went to season three champions Emmitt Smith and Cheryl for a very enthusiastic cha-cha that really didn’t look much like a cha-cha to me. Season four winners Apolo Anton Ohno and Julianne got seventh place for a lively quickstep, and fellow season four contestants Joey Fatone and Kym landed in sixth place for a jive that was extremely fun, if not entirely smooth.

In fifth place were season five champions Helio Castroneves and Julianne for a lively quickstep performed in banana-yellow attire. Season two winners Drew Lachey and Cheryl came in fourth for a freestyle dance done in country-influenced get-ups. Fellow season two contestant Stacy Keibler and Tony received Bruno’s accolades (and third place) for the ‘sexiest samba ever’ from one of the most talented celebrities they’ve ever seen, and I will say that Stacy made her long limbs an asset, unlike Shannon Elizabeth. Coming in at number two were season five runners-up Mel B and Maksim with a female-dominated paso doble, and this is also where the first weather interruption occurred, so I didn’t see the whole thing. Fine, so this thunderstorm was blowing semis off the highway -- why punish all of us? Finally, season three runners-up Mario Lopez and Karina got first place for a very crisp tango.

I would like to make a few observations from watching this recap of great dances past. First, the judges were overdoing the spray-tanning in season one. Second, judge Carrie Ann, perhaps influenced by the pipes of co-host Samantha Harris, appeared to firm up her arms between seasons four and five. Third, I’ve always thought Cheryl should tone down the comb-forward she’s got going on, but I now realize she’s gradually been doing so, and I wish her success in the future. Fourth, the caliber of the stars (in terms of their actual celebrity stature) seems to have improved.

At last, we were in the real 100th episode, when someone would actually be eliminated. Many past contestants were in the audience, including Stacy Keibler, Mark Cuban, Jerry Springer, Lisa Rinna, Harry Hamlin and Sabrina Bryan. Throughout the show, we hear from some of these past contestants the most memorable moments on ‘DWTS’ so far. Among them were Marie Osmond’s fainting spell, Emmitt Smith’s MC Hammer dance, Kelly Monaco’s wardrobe malfunction (where she continued the dance holding up her top) and Sabrina Bryan’s surprise elimination after a fabulous foxtrot. Co-host Tom Bergeron interviewed some of the former contenders, and approximately 75% of them plugged one thing or another, and Sabrina didn’t get to say anything because Kenny Mayne took up too much airtime. That’s how they roll on ‘DWTS.’ We also briefly met 100 ‘special guests’ –- two fans from each state. I didn’t see which ones were from Iowa, but I’m sure they were relieved to be missing the severe weather.

We heard music by Rascal Flatts, a group I’d never heard of until tonight (but which I learned by reading Wikipedia during one of my severe-weather breaks is a popular band in the country genre). We saw new routines by the pros, Apolo and Julianne, Mario Lopez and the cast of “A Chorus Line” and Mel B and Mak. In my last post, I said we’d see a dance choreographed to “Thriller,” but that didn’t happen tonight, and I really have no idea where I got that. Maybe next week. Or never.

Finally, yes, an elimination did occur. The first couple saved was Marissa and Tony, which made me shout “No way!” so loudly that KCRG probably thought it was a massive thunderclap that merited calling in the National Guard. Immediately after this shocking news, we learned that Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark were also safe, which at least kept me from completely losing my mind, since, after seeing the best of seasons one through five, I feel convinced that Kristi is one of the top contestants they’ve had. Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl were the next couple saved, leaving Jason Taylor and Edyta and Mario and Karina stewing in the Red Light of Dehumanizing Abasement. But only briefly, since they seemed squeezed for time. And the couple going home is … Mario and Karina! Mario thanks Len for his comments, and also the troops serving overseas. He and Karina dance to “I Will Survive.” I kind of like the last-dance tradition. It would be nice to institute that into the corporate workplace -– I think it would make massive layoffs much easier to swallow.

Well, fans, were you surprised by the results? By the judges’ top 10? Can Marissa survive another week, do you think?

-- Sarah Rogers