The Charlie Sheen Dictionary: A totally gnarly, bi-winning guide to the actor’s best quotes
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The man increasingly known as The Warlock will appear on ‘20/20’ on Tuesday night in an episode called ‘Charlie Sheen: In His Own Words.’ Which got us thinking about those words.
Say what you will about the actor and his troubled behavior, but over the last few weeks his quips have been ... well, pretty gnarly, and we’re not sure if we mean that in a good or a bad way. During an interview with CNN’s Piers Morgan on Monday night, he even sounded a little like a tabloid Oscar Wilde, telling the British host that he doesn’t take drugs -- he buys them. So in preparation for Tuesday’s show we offer you a glossary of the terms and phrases Sheen has coined over the last few weeks. To all you golden-sombrero’d zombies: Please enjoy.
Charlie Sheen
Definition: The name of whatever Sheen’s on.
Usage: ‘I am on a drug, it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.’
Winning
Definition: The end goal of Charlie Sheen’s life philosophy.
Usage: “The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning,” “Just winning every second,” “Winning, anyone?” “Duh, winning!”
Pronunciation: Quoth Sheen, “It rhymes with winning.”
Bi-winning
Definition: Winning on the ultimate level.
Usage: I’m not bi-polar, “I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there.”
Riding the mercury surfboard
Definition: Skillfully working one’s way into the headlines.
Usage: ‘It’s been a tsunami of media and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard.’ (See also: “winning.”)
Wearing a golden sombrero
Definition: Getting divorced four times in a row (kind of the opposite of a hat trick).
Usage: “I tried marriage. I’m 0 for 3 with the marriage thing. So, being a ballplayer -- I believe in numbers. I’m not going 0 for 4. I’m not wearing a golden sombrero.’
Tiger blood
Definition: What runs through Sheen’s veins, making him all-powerful.
Usage: “AA was written for normal people. People that don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA,” “[I survived drug addiction] because I’m me. I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man.”
Sober Valley Lodge
Definition: The Beverly Hills home where Sheen claims he’s healed himself “with the power of my mind.”
Usage: “We couldn’t really call it rehab because we didn’t have a license to operate one, so it was a crisis management center that we labeled the Sober Valley Lodge. … Its primary client achieved radical success.”
The Wedge
Definition: Sheen’s nickname for himself, based on his preferred position between his two blonde 24-year-old girlfriends, a.k.a. ‘the goddesses.’
Usage: “It’s a wedge. Boom. You form a wedge to make room for the guy carrying the ball.”
Boom
Definition: An exclamation used to signify the end of a mind-blowing statement.
Usage: “You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That’s the whole movie. That’s life.” “[My ex-wife Denise Richards] shows up looking the way she does. … Wow! Everybody’s winning. Boom!” “White gold? Boom!” (Synonyms: Bang.)
Buh-bye
Definition: An exclamation used to signify the end of a conversation.
Usage: “That’s how I roll. And if it’s too gnarly for people, then buh-bye,” “Oh wait, can’t process it. Losers. Winning. Buh-bye.”
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-- Melissa Maerz