FASTEST GUMS IN THE WEST : Nothing Succeeds Here Like a Bulletproof Batting Average

Reporters covering the day-to-day warfare that is the movie business are like prospectors--digging for the golden quote that will add sparkle to an article. But too often sources hide behind the veil of anonymity: The wheelers and the dealers who put movies together in this town love to talk when their movies are big box office but if it’s a flop, getting them to talk is about as easy as landing a backstage pass to a Springsteen concert.

Like him or not, producer Don Simpson has always been a reporter’s gold mine, proffering the witty one-liner, always on the record and always straight from the lip. While working on an essay about jargon in Hollywood, I asked Simpson to clue me in on some of the newest Hollywood phraseology. “Nobody who’s really in the business talks like that,” he snapped. Suddenly it occurred to me that perhaps I had called the wrong guy--but then Simpson just couldn’t resist. He said, “ ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ was a classic example of a high-concept movie with a great hook and a lot of topspin.” My story was on its way.

But now I fear that I may have lost one of my most valued resources. A lengthy profile on Simpson buried in the back of Esquire’s bulky new issue remains the talk of the cocktail circuit. Reading “Gone Hollywood” I couldn’t help but feel Simpson had done himself in with one of his sharpest weapons--his mouth. He might as well have committed ritual suicide. Among other outrageous comments, Simpson is quoted by writer Lynn Hirschberg as saying . . .

That he and partner Jerry Bruckheimer had considered but rejected Steven Spielberg to direct their now filming “Top Gun.” Simpson was quoted: “I’m surprised for a smart Jew he’s as white bread as he is.” (You can figure that Simpson and Spielberg probably won’t be making anything together real soon.)

That ex-Paramount Pictures President Michael Eisner falsely took credit for the original idea behind “Beverly Hills Cop.” “Michael Eisner lied,” Simpson supposedly told Hirschberg. “He said twice the movie was his idea. It was my idea, I invented it.” (Later in the article Simpson admits to Hirschberg that “a film about cops in Beverly Hills was originally Eisner’s idea.”)

That director Douglas Day Stewart (author of “Officer and a Gentleman” and director of “Thief of Hearts,” Simpson-Bruckheimer’s only flop to date) is “a man with nice hair. He should probably stick to writing.”

That director Martin Brest (“Beverly Hills Cop”) had dubbed him “The Fabricator.” “It’s just my style of doing business,” Simpson said. “I create reality. I put out the reality I want and I make it happen.”

The Esquire piece was probably not quite the reality that Simpson hoped to create. Even Simpson’s closest friends who understand his sharp-edged sense of humor seem genuinely concerned. A high-ranking studio executive called the piece “a death wish in print.”

But is it really? It raises an intriguing question: What impact does such an article have on a flourishing career in a business where so much of the deal making is predicated upon relationships?

Early in the article Simpson is portrayed as reveling in his membership in “the club”--a tightly knit group of Hollywood’s power elite. Obviously Spielberg and Eisner are prominent members, but how would they respond to the buckshot denigration of the group? Simpson, like Groucho Marx before him, seemed to be saying he wasn’t really interested in joining any club that would have him as a member.

The irony of it all is that while the article may have folks muttering under their breath and may have fueled all of the standard stereotypes about Hollywood producers, the long-term effects on Simpson’s career probably will be negligible. Says producer Steve Tisch, a good friend of Simpson’s: “Rightly or wrongly this is an industry that is tolerant of a lot of different kinds of behavior. If ‘Top Gun’ (Simpson-Bruckheimer’s next movie, starring Tom Cruise) is a hit and the movie that follows is successful, Don Simpson will remain what he is, a character and a player in the business.”

But should it fail, enemies may be dancing in the streets.

Like the book “Indecent Exposure,” the Esquire piece reaffirms an established Hollywood axiom: Ultimately, the movie maker with a consistently high box-office batting average is bulletproof. Says one studio chief shaking his head: “In their greed and need for success people can forgive anything.”

Simpson has outraged and/or amused friends and foes with his current comments. Apparently, the whole incident already has had some sort of effect as well. For the first time in the last few years Don Simpson hasn’t returned my call. (His publicist says that Simpson is on vacation and has not read the article.)

Me, I’m just sitting by the phone waiting for Don to get back. I’m sure that he’s still talking. Well, I’m hoping he is.