Coping With an Unsympathetic Fiance
Question: I am engaged to a man who has been married twice before. Our wedding was planned for last summer but had to be postponed because of my mother’s sudden death. My fiance was more upset about the change in our plans than sympathetic to the hard time I was having emotionally. We reset our wedding date for Christmas Eve. It’s still hard for me to take real joy in our plans without my mom. We had talked so often of the fun we’d have planning the wedding together. The more insensitive and self-centered my fiance is, the more I wonder if that’s why his other marriages failed. Frankly, I’m getting cold feet. He will never allow another delay. I’m sure that if I don’t go through with our plans it will be the end.
Answer: There is no more positive way to ensure disaster than to go against your instincts. If you are having trouble coping with your fiance’s behavior, it will be worse as time and history build your list of disappointments. Don’t be intimidated into a marriage that has no room for your feelings.
Q: Being a single parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Not having the support of another, equally involved parent in making decisions, setting the rules and dealing with the consequences leaves me feeling insecure and scared most of the time. I spend far too much time worrying about whether I’m doing the right thing. The children sense my uneasiness and take advantage of my indecisiveness. How can I get out of this rut and handle parenting intelligently and effectively?
A: Single parents often get caught up in feeling guilty about their decision-making and discipline. Usually these feelings are a combination of fear at the awesome responsibility of making by yourself the decisions that are expected to produce a well-rounded, caring adult, and fear of losing the love of the children by denying them anything. Set up the rules for your household--jobs, curfews, study times, etc. Make a list of consequences for breaking the rules. Stick to it. When children realize that punishment will be swift, consistent and unavoidable, the rules will become effective. Always accompany any discipline with an explanation of what you expect in the future. Don’t apologize or give in to tears or apologies.
Q: This is a second marriage for me, and it has been successful except for the relationship between my new wife and my 6-year-old daughter. Cathy visits us regularly on weekends and during the summer. Several times in the last few months Cathy has complained that her stepmother has hit her and yelled at her when I’m not around. My wife denies having laid a hand on Cathy. Who do I believe? There has been a change in Cathy’s behavior recently--she’s very quiet and tends to shrink away from my wife. I don’t want to ignore her if there really is a problem.
A: There is never any acceptable reason for hitting a child. If Cathy has continued to complain and shown herself to be afraid of being alone with your wife, then I would take her seriously. Your daughter trusts you enough to reach out for your help. Family counseling will identify specific problems and teach each of you new ways to handle them. Act immediately.