Place for Parents . . . Also for Tots : Counseling and Therapy Group Offers Parallel Program
“This group saved my life,” said Debra Weir, stirring her coffee. “I wouldn’t give it up for anything.”
Standing in the cozy kitchen of a white wood-frame bungalow on a quiet street in Santa Monica, the Malibu homemaker and mother explained why she has been coming here to A Place for Parents every week for three years.
A former pediatric nurse, Weir suffered from an intense feeling of isolation when she stopped working outside her home after her daughter Johanna was born. Once she discovered A Place for Parents, Weir no longer felt so alone.
One morning a week toddlers up to 3 1/2 years old play under the guidance of qualified child care workers in one part of the house, and their mothers--and an occasional father--meet for a no-topics-barred discussion in another room. This support group is a crucial part of what A Place for Parents calls its parallel program. Longtime members speak enthusiastically of the feeling of fellowship and of the validation they receive as competent parents.
The discussion group itself operates much like a therapy group. “We promise confidentiality,” said Nancy Kohler, assistant director and one of the facilitators. “This is a sanctuary, a safe place.”
Throughout the 1 1/2-hour session, the parents, most of whom are married and in their 30s, talked openly, exposing deeply personal material about their feelings, their lives and their families. Subjects ranged from war toys to dealing with in-laws during the holiday season, to coping on a practical level with fears related to losing one’s spouse.
Kohler, who has a master’s degree in counseling from Loyola-Marymount University, consistently located the positive and hopeful threads in each woman’s struggle. Often, the dark humor inherent in a difficult situation brought laughter to the group.
The topic of child abuse was brought up reluctantly, the initiator aware of the downbeat mood such a discussion could evoke. Still, within half an hour, a surprising number of women contributed personal stories related to some type of molestation. Later, Kohler said this is not at all unusual in the groups she leads.
Somewhere between talk of molestation and of untimely death, a little girl marched through the room banging a toy drum. Several pairs of hands turned her gently around and aimed her toward the door. Laughter was followed by the comment, “She marches to her own drummer.”
The children’s part of the program reflects A Place for Parents’ philosophy that infants and toddlers learn best by doing rather than by being shown or told. Toward this end, an environment has been set up in which each child can explore and experience a variety of activities at his or her particular level of development.
On a recent morning, with crawlers and toddlers at their feet, several mothers settled themselves throughout the five comfortable rooms of the house, as the program got under way. Large pillows and old soft sofas invited casual lounging and friendly conversation among the women. Child-sized chairs, stuffed animals, and sturdy toys engaged some of the youngsters. Children’s artwork was taped to the walls, an official memo mentioned late payment charges, and a poster encouraged all to “Bloom where you are planted.”
Big windows faced the sunny, grassy yard with its oversize sandbox, basins of water for kids to experiment with, tires to play on and plenty of wheeled toys.
Reads to Children
Once everyone arrived, Betty Dimond, founder, director and one of the three facilitators at A Place for Parents, read to 11 children from the story book “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.” Other toddlers wandered in and out of the group. Several mothers listened; the rest attended to diaper changes, tossed around the merits of various toys, and began to assemble in the discussion room.
Dimond distributed drums, bells and tambourines and put a record of marches on the phonograph as the children cavorted to the music. Later, Dimond asked each child by name to return his or her instrument, thanking them personally as they complied.
Soon it was snack time for the children and Dimond helped them mash steamed apples into applesauce in the backyard, while several mothers talked about what they get from A Place for Parents.
“It’s been real therapeutic for me,” said Sharon Lerner of Topanga, there with her 3-year-old daughter Tess. She has been a member for 4 1/2 years; her son Adam is now in kindergarten. “There’s nothing better than the feedback you get from other mothers. They’re very supportive, so you don’t think your child is weird or abnormal, or that you are. In fact, when you hear other people’s problems, you think, ‘My children aren’t as bad as the others.’ A psychiatrist would cost much more. I only wish I’d started coming here when my 8-year-old was a baby.”
Therapeutic Aspect
The therapeutic aspect of A Place for Parents was mentioned repeatedly. Even when a child is ill and cannot attend, some of the mothers come by themselves. “This place has saved a lot in psychologist’s fees,” said Rachelle Oseran of Los Angeles. Three years ago when Oseran arrived here from Israel, eight months pregnant and depressed, she searched for some way out of her isolation. When her son Shai was 3 months old, she found this group. “Most Mommy and Me groups are more superficial,” she said. “Here we tackle more dynamic issues.”
“These are the new pioneers, trying to create neighborhoods,” said Kohler. “We provide the other covered wagons. Once a week they get together; then they can travel another thousand miles.”
Emphasizing the organization’s positive focus, Kohler said, “We don’t fix anything because nothing is broken. While other groups address specific problems, we have wonderfully healthy people trying to create whole lives in a crazy environment.”
A Place for Parents was started by Betty Dimond in September, 1977. Dimond, who is both a registered nurse and a marriage, family and child counselor, has 25 years of experience in day care and a master’s degree in child development and parent education from Pacific Oaks College in Pasadena.
Nonprofit Organization
The program was first offered through Santa Monica City College’s Child Development Department. When Proposition 13 depleted the department’s funds the following year, the program, which by then had 100 member families, operated under the college’s extension program. Vacant rooms in public schools served as meeting places for two years, until even that support was removed. In 1980 A Place for Parents incorporated as a nonprofit organization and began month-to-month rental of its current site, owned by the Santa Monica YWCA, whose parking lot it shares.
“We have not been able to obtain a public building,” said Dimond, “because . . . our emphasis is not on people with problems, but rather on normal developmental sequences. We build on the strengths families don’t know they have.”
Fees for the 10-week sessions of 2 1/2-hour weekly meetings range from $125 to $165, depending upon a parent’s ability to pay. The fees account for about 95% of the organization’s $80,000 annual budget, with the rest derived from donations and fund-raisers like rummage sales and toy sales.
Follow-up Groups
Groups average 15 members. A variety of programs is offered. On Wednesdays, for example, Kohler facilitates a follow-up group for mothers whose children have gone on to nursery school. The third facilitator, Diane Hines, runs afternoon support groups for mothers of infants.
Though openings exist in afternoon groups for toddlers, most mothers prefer morning sessions because of their children’s nap schedules. There is a waiting list for the Wednesday morning group of 12- to 16-month-olds.
Also popular is “Mothers Morning Out,” in which youngsters 16 months old and up can be left Thursdays from 9 a.m. to noon. The family must attend for many months before gaining access to this option both because space is limited and A Place for Parents facilitators need to be sure the children will be comfortable without their parents.
According to Dimond, 86 families currently belong to A Place for Parents, with an eventual goal of 100 families. Though most come from Santa Monica and the Westside, some families travel from as far as downtown Los Angeles. Interested parents may call (213) 452-3823 to arrange a visit.
