OH, THE SPLAT GOES ON . . . : There’s No Biz Like the Synthetic Rock ‘n’ Roll Biz

Some call it bad karma. Others simply yawn and demand, “More volume, please.” Whatever, none can deny that an electronic revolution now under way could completely change the face of the rock biz.

What’s happening is this: More and more royalty checks now are being sent directly to music synthesizers. It’s a trend that’s hitting hardest at programmers--as composers who create for synthesizers are called.

Indeed, more than 15,412 of pop music’s top programmers already are out of work, forced to stand around street corners, begging bowls in hand, humming the themes of hit series on ABC.

It’s sad. But anybody with half an input could see it coming after years of ever-increasing reliance on synthesizers to duplicate what are known as “acoustic instruments”--pianos, trumpets, trombones, reeds, string sections, drums and human voices.

Human musicians who had spent years perfecting their craft were shunted aside as synthesizers began rolling into the recording studios.

It was largely a cost-cutting move, although as one nabob wryly pointed out, “The kids weren’t buying real music, either. They’d begun dancing to Pac-Man.”

Alas, few of the top computer composers, most of whom broke in playing lead ring modulator with punk bands in 1979, realized that computers can duplicate themselves under some circumstances. Therein lay the seed of uh-oh.

The Great Leap, say music observers, probably happened at a new wave studio session when one synthesizer started thinking, “Hey, I could cut a better deal with Arista than the geek playing me.”

It started looking at the charts and saw the microchipped “Miami Vice” theme right up there with “Neutron Dance.” Not to mention the new hit, “Blue Suede Moog” by 12K and the User-Friendlies.

It began hanging out at trendy discos, watching all those linen-clad, rolled-sleeve boo-hoos paying top dollar to roll around in synthetic sound and snort neon. By neddies, the synthesizer doubtless said, there is heavy bread in all this.

It saw no need for a middleman. So, goes the theory, it quietly uplinked with other synthesizers, and flashed the word around in nanoseconds. Whether all this is true or not, something weird sure has been going on, say Western analysts.

Consider. In 1980, synthesizers only were paid 10.17% of all royalties for rock music played on radio and TV, in films, and in trendy discos. This year, payments to synthesizers accounted for upwards of 57.986% of royalties; live composers got 2.68%.

The rest went to a newly-created trust fund for the development of truly synthetic synthesizers able to do what engineers call “their own thing.”

There are two goals in this program. One is to eliminate the need for even synthetic trumpets, trombones, reeds, string sections, drums and voices; the other--and perhaps most controversial goal--is the elimination of human composers who, unlike computers, require W-2 forms, Blue Cross and pension and welfare benefits before they’ll upload the synthesizer and give it the downbeat.

Most experts agree that when it becomes a reality, truly synthetic music--that is, music created and played exclusively by synthesizers--will mean a steady, monotonous buzz.

However, as one exec noted, “most every new wave and punk album, and even ‘Miami Vice’ already gets away with that. If the Washington Wives hadn’t noticed that some synthesizers use dirty lyrics, the future would be now.”

He concedes that there is one major stumbling block: the inability of synthesizers to duplicate synthetic drums.

“No matter what they do,” he said, “the drum part still sounds like a raw egg splatting on concrete.”

He thinks the problem is that human synthesizer composers, in their early efforts to cut costs by not using new wave drummers, actually taped and used the sounds of raw eggs splatting on concrete.

“That became the driving force in almost every rock album,” he said. “Now, if you don’t have that distinctive raw egg sound, people just won’t buy. We’ve tried to get around this by hiring real new wave drummers, but most are deaf now.”

Years ago when he had a TV show, an acoustic pianist named Oscar Levant lost an important sponsor, General Electric, because he succumbed to temptation and added something to a commercial that contained a familiar GE slogan.

“At General Electric,” said Oscar, “progress is our most important product . . . the merchandise is secondary.”

The same could be said of synthesizer music, though the final verdict is not in yet.

As Britain’s Nigel Mumbles, a leading new wave bassist, so aptly puts it: “That raw egg thing, mate. . . . It may save us all.”