After <i> That</i> Game, It’s a Brand New Ballgame

The thing to do now, Laker fans, is take a deep breath, recite your mantras, fondle your crystals and remind yourself that Thursday night’s incredibly amazing defeat at the hands of the Jazz was just one game, that the series is tied, 3-3, a brand new ballgame, and is returning to the Forum.

That said . . . Help!

The technical difficulties were not on your TV sets, fans. What you were seeing Thursday night was the real thing, the Lakers crumbling and losing, 31-13.

There was another score given as the final, of course, but the only reason they played the last three quarters is because the TV people were caught unawares and didn’t have any reruns of “Green Acres” available.

There is a conspiracy theory being whispered in the Jazz camp, among people like Coach Frank Layden and radio-TV announcer Hot Rod Hundley, that the NBA office is so desperate to keep the no-name, death-to-ratings Jazz out of the finals, that the game officials are being leaned on to, uh, tip the scales in the Lakers’ favor.

That theory sprung several major leaks Thursday, like in the first quarter when the Jazz shot 10 free throws to the Lakers’ zero. The Lakers couldn’t have played worse if David Stern his ownself had suited up for them and tried to stop Mailman Malone.

Magic Johnson described the Laker tragedy best when he said: “It’s sort of indescribable, really.”

The most stunning loss in his nine-year Laker career?

“Oh, yes,” Magic said, “the most embarrassing, stunning, everything.”

It was the second-most stunning Laker moment of the decade. The first was the win over Philadelphia in Game 6 of the 1980 Final, when Magic played all positions and scored 42 points.

This was a low, low, low. Hey, the Lakers have lost before, right? Yes, but in this series, a trend is developing.

The Lakers are getting Lakered. From the West Coast viewpoint, Showtime is being performed by the wrong team.

The Jazz scored six times off pure fast breaks in the first half; the Lakers didn’t convert a fast break until two minutes before halftime.

The best thing you can say about that 31-13 first quarter, in which the Jazz had a 26-2 run, was that the Lakers outscored Mailman Malone, 13-10.

Several things have been happening, such as:

--Other than one game, Kareem has been gone, taken out of his game by Mark Eaton. Eaton killing Abdul-Jabbar. Crazy.

Eaton, disproving the theory that no man is an island, is clogging up the middle of the Laker offense like a giant hairball in the Lakers’ drainpipe. With the Lakers turned into a perimeter team, everyone’s game suffers. Byron Scott, for instance, relies on action near the hoop, drawing the defense away from him so he can pop from 18 feet. Now, he finds himself in a crowd.

--Magic, still unable to rebound and slowed a step by his groin injury, is being outplayed by John Stockton, a man desperately in need of a nickname. Nobody this good should be running around being called just plain John.

--The Lakers have no defense for Karl (Mailman) Malone, who has been upgraded to Postmaster General. The best A.C. Green has been able to do against Mailman is give him a good glower now and then as he blows by on his way to the hoop.

Even guys like Bobby Hansen are looking all-world. On one second-quarter play, Hansen took an outlet pass at midcourt, did a 360-degree spin-dribble around Michael Cooper and rifled a pass to Mailman on the right wing. Mailman stormed the hoop and dunked in Kareem’s face.

The Jazz are doing all this with only six guys, thus reviving an old line by Phoenix columnist Joe Gilmartin. In the ’80 playoffs, the Lakers beat the Suns using only seven players. Wrote Gilmartin: “The Lakers’ lack of depth is killing the Suns.”

The Jazz has a bench, but its only purpose is to supply Coach Layden with material for one-liners.

For the Lakers right now, nothing is funny. They headed home this morning, back to sea level, hoping to regroup, regrip, retool, revive . . . or retire.

Can the Lakers shrug off this Debacle by the Tabernacle, put it behind them and try to recover their dignity and their game?

“We have to,” Abdul-Jabbar said. “It’s not like we have a choice.”