Convention Coverage: Two-Hour Dramedies : 11th Commandment for Democrats: Thou Shalt Not Dare Be Borrrrrring!

They’re baaaaaa -ack!

Like twin poltergeists, the national political conventions are about to reappear on television, causing some viewers to panic and hide under the bed. Today begins the Democrats’ four day assemblage here to nominate Massachusetts Gov. Michael S. Dukakis for President, followed by next month’s GOP confirmation of Vice President George Bush as its standard bearer in New Orleans.

In TV terms, however, these are shrinking apparitions, both in importance and in the air time allotted them, with memories of the Big Three networks’ once-routine gavel-to-gavel coverage getting ever more chalky. The irony is inescapable. TV and the political process intermingle and merge throughout the marathon nominating campaign, only to temporarily draw apart at the convention finish line.

Unfasten your seat belts.

Cable News Network and C-SPAN--both of which were not even in existance in the good old days when national conventions were really national conventions--are the only networks of record this time. In contrast, austerity minded ABC, CBS and NBC have drastically cut back their convention staffs while limiting the Democrats to a mere two hours per night (plus a third hour on Thursday night by CBS), on the reasonable assumption that little is newsworthy about a political party telling America how wonderful it is.

Yes, you can cut the tension with a feather.

“Is it gonna be boring or exciting?” Ted Koppel asked Jesse Jackson about the convention Friday night on ABC’s “Nightline.” In other words, would Jackson allow his well-publicized disagreements with Dukakis to spill out onto the floor of Omni Coliseum, thereby liberating this convention from la-la land?

Jackson wasn’t saying, but reporters could cross their fingers, couldn’t they?

The “B” word-- borrrrrring --is the most repulsive obscenity in the lexicon of not only TV executives, but also Democratic Convention planners, who want to exploit their TV opportunity by putting on a good show, but not at the expense of unity.

Logically, the Democrats have hired the crack Hollywood production team of Smith-Hemion to stage this convention for television, reminding us of something we should not forget--that political campaigning is often a euphemism for show business. Because America responds best to familiar entertainment forms, the Democrats could have resolved two problems with one move by instituting a “Tonight Show” format each night of the convention.

Dukakis could have been the Democrats’ Johnny Carson (“A funny thing happened to me on the way to the Omni”), and Jackson--who is demanding “partnership” with the nominee--could have achieved it as the nominee’s Ed McMahon, delivering a thundering “Hayohhhhhh!” after each punch line.

Nahhh, it wouldn’t work. There are already enough professional TV talkers in Atlanta this week to stretch the length of Peachtree Street if you lined them up side by side.

Nearly every national public affairs program is taping here, including “The McLaughlin Group,” the syndicated half-hour (on KNBC Channel 4 in Los Angeles) that you can count on to clear your sinuses, if not always your mind.

“The McLaughlin Group” is an entertaining, rip-roaring adventure into the realm of organized pandemonium where opinions hit the fan and arguments on political issues are moderated, shaped and ruled by the only man on TV who can end a show with “bye bye” and make it sound like a threat.

His name is John McLaughlin, Washington editor and columnist for National Review and a former Jesuit priest and teacher who has found his true calling as a mock TV bully.

His groaning, howling, whining regular panelists--Robert Novak, Morton Kondracke and Jack Germond--are bemused and abused by McLaughlin, whose scowling, booming, finger-wagging Ivan the Terrible act is something to behold. He’s shot out of a cannon, barking out time limits and abruptly cutting off panelists in mid-sentence. It’s all so serious that you can almost keep a straight face.

McLaughlin demands more than answers from his panelists. He demands that issues be judged on “impact scales.” He demands to know the “spin.” He demands “pluses and minuses.” He demands “predictions.” And he wants them fast!

Hammy, yes. But “The McLaughlin Group” and McLaughlin are never borrrrrring .

He was in his hotel room here, in a serene, lecturing mood as he answered a visitor’s questions with his feet propped up and his hands folded on his stomach, preparing to bask in the glow of his own words.

Issue No. 1 . The networks’ reduced TV coverage of the conventions, quickly now , pluses and minuses .

“This imposes discipline on the parties to focus more sharply. It imposes discipline on Jesse Jackson. On the minus side. . . .”

Too slow! What are the chances of this convention producing major news? Give it to me on an impact scale, 10 being the maximum .

“I don’t think there will be anything. . . .”

Too late! You lost your chance. How will the convention play on TV?

“If Dukakis does nothing for Jackson in a substantive way on TV, he will jeopardize the black vote. So Dukakis is doing a high-wire act.”

You’re right . Exit question . The convention will be boring to viewers. Yes or no?

“This is an opportunity for the candidate to capture the imagination of the country. I don’t think he will do it, because of the. . . .”

We have to move on. NBC will “break down the walls” of the convention by initiating satellite TV discussions between people affected by issues discussed at the convention and delegates and political leaders in the Omni. Good idea? Quickly now .

“It depends on the people in NBC’s sample. I prefer to hear the gurus. I’m a little suspicious of the man on the street.”

Wrong! It is a good idea. Prediction , John. Quickly - quickly!

“Never again on the big commercial networks will there be gavel-to-gavel coverage.”

Wrong again! Gotta go! Bye-bye!