There Will Always Be an Answer, Even for Her Wardrobe

Dear Answer Man . . .

I’m curious about those running togs worn by sprinter Florence Griffith-Joyner, the body suits with wild colors and only one leg. Do you know where she gets them?

As a matter of fact, Florence and I go to the same tailor. I was lured into the shop by a sign in the window advertising: “Special This Week: Pants 1/2 Off.”

Actually there is a psychological reason Florence wears these outfits. She does it so that opposing coaches can no longer soothe Florence’s jittery rivals with the old pep talk: “Hey, Flo is human. She puts her pants on just like the rest of us.”

When the Dodgers played the Cubs last Friday, the Chicago starter was red-hot Greg Maddux. For the Dodgers, it was Orel Hershiser’s turn to pitch, but Tommy Lasorda held Hershiser back a day and pitched Fernando Valenzuela. Was this a compliment to Fernando’s reputation as a clutch big-game pitcher?

Sure. Just as if you are chosen to serve as food-taster for the king, it’s a tribute to your discriminating gourmet palate.

Fernando was baseball’s version of a human sacrifice. He had been struggling, and you don’t want to waste your hottest pitcher (Hershiser) against a guy who is likely to toss a shutout.

Fernando pitched a fine game, the Dodgers won it in 10, and Lasorda was so happy that he gave his personal food-taster the day off.

Who won the British Open?

In a truly exciting finish, Oprah (The Walrus) Winfrey held off Seve Ballesteros and the field to claim victory. Oprah came on so strong the final day of the Open, dominating the action, that TV viewers on the West Coast barely noticed the other golfers in the tournament.

You seem to be exercising admirable restraint of your enthusiasm for the L.A. Clippers’ championship hopes, Answer Man. Aren’t you excited about their phenomenal draft picks?

I am atremble. However, I have some teeny, tiny reservations about a team that just traded away the league’s top rebounder and let slip away its top scorer, and is planning to open the season with a starting lineup with an average age of 16 1/2.

The Clippers had a great draft last year, too. In fact, Clipper management is kicking around the idea of changing the name of the team to the L.A. Draft.

Incidentally, two of the National Basketball Assn. expansion teams have adopted new names. The Charlotte Hornets, who are not mad at anybody but hope to entrap some season-ticket buyers, have changed their name to the Charlotte Web. And since management of the new Miami team has discovered that the real problem in that city is not the heat, the team will be known as the Miami Humidity.

I’ve been collecting baseball cards for years and frankly I’m bored. Won’t the card people ever come up with something new and exciting?

You’re in luck. You know Margo Adams, Wade Boggs’ former travel pal? You know those photos she supposedly has, the ones that Boggs allegedly snapped of teammates, uh, unwinding in their hotel rooms after work?

One rumor is that Margo will sell the photos to a bubble-gum company, to be featured on a series of trading cards. They will be the first such cards with little black rectangles painted across the players’ eyes.

Before the British Open, Tony Jacklin stated publicly that none of the American golfers had much chance to win. Craig Stadler said of Jacklin’s statement, “It could light a fire under us to get that Open trophy back on U.S. soil.” So what happened?

Show me a fired-up golfer and I’ll show you an endangered set of golf clubs. Why do you think Knute Rockne never quite cut it as the Notre Dame golf coach?

I see where the beef industry has hired Michael Cooper and Larry Bird, among others, as spokesmen for an eat-beef advertising campaign. Does this show good judgment by the meat people?

Oh, superb. One guy is so thin that he looks like a lifetime vegetarian. The other guy is so translucently white that he looks like he’s in desperate need of a transfusion.

I don’t know why the beef industry didn’t sign up sports personalities who are obvious beef fanciers, like Tommy Lasorda and Refrigerator Perry.

You just know the Fridge has laid low some livestock in his time. If cows had a post office, Perry would be featured on the “wanted” posters.

Is it true? The NFL is cracking down on steroid abuse?

Well, Pete Rozelle issued a memo on the subject. But a league spokesman said, “I am not suggesting suspensions for testing positive for anabolic steroids at this time.”

In other words, players can use steroids, but in doing so they risk not being suspended.

It’s an interesting concept, though, dealing with the league’s most pressing drug-abuse problem by issuing a memo. Sources say Rozelle is planning a major crackdown on wasteful misuse of paper clips.