Penn St. Gets Jump on Rivals

THE COLLEGES Who’d have thought this late in the year that the college football teams of Penn State (0-1), Notre Dame (0-1) and USC (0-1) would still be winless? But that’s the case for the three beleaguered New Year’s Day losers, who have had much-needed byes for the last 32 weeks or so.

In 1987, Penn State’s Not-Any (formerly Nittany) Lions became the fifth team in the history of United Press International to finish out of the Top 20 the year after winning the national title. This year, the school has already managed to win the Bottom Ten’s first-half championship (based on its record from January through June).

Penn State, led by GOP cheerleader Joe Paterno, will meet the second-half winner early next season at a still-to-be determined site. North Korea is bidding heavily to be the host.

One contender will be No. 6 UCLA (0-0), judging from the gloomy assessment of Coach Terry Donahue, who confesses: “We’ve been picked high (in the polls) because we have a fabulous player at the quarterback position, and that’s OK because we’ve got him. But I don’t think the rest of the team merits where it is being picked.”

THE RANKINGS

Team, ’88 Record Last ’88 Loss Next Loss 1. Penn State (0-1) 10-35, Clemson Virginia 2. Columbia (0-0) Idle Harvard 3. Not. Dame (0-1) 10-35, Tex. A&M; Michigan 4. Young Miss (0-0) Idle Memphis State 5. USC (0-1) 17-20, Mich. St. Boston College 6. UCLA (0-0) Idle San Diego State 7. Iowa (0-0) One gerbil* Hawaii 8. East (0-1) 3-17, West Gone South 9. SMU (0-0) Hired F. Gregg Idle 10. Lou Holtz (0-2) 3-17, West Michigan

11. (Tie) Syracuse and Auburn (0-0-1); 13. Indiana (0-1); 14. Brian Bosworth’s Oklahoma University campus guide; 15. Georgia Tech (0-0); 16. Pentagon (Army, Navy, Air Force, Indiana National Guard); 20. Idle.

* Brian Honnold, 19, a walk-on quarterback on Iowa’s football team, was fined and placed on probation after tying a small parachute to a gerbil and dropping it from an 11th-floor balcony on campus. The gerbil landed in a tree. Honnold tried to free it by throwing footballs at the tree. Animal control officers rescued the tiny sky-diver the next day.

FIRST ROUT OF THE WEEK: Rhode Island vs. Holy Cross (who is going to rout whom, however, was not known at press time).

FIRST CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK (no one admitted after first six fumbles): Nevada (Circus Circus) at Baylor.

WAIT TILL SISKEL AND EBERT FIND OUT: This university has just released a film, “Trail to Glory,” highlighting its 1987 season with shots of touchdowns being scored, cheerleaders cheering, etc. Oklahoma? Nebraska? No, Columbia, loser of 41 games in a row. Length of movie: 14 minutes (that’s minutes, not seconds).

THE PROS How bad was Atlantis last year? Sure the Falcons posed a 3-12 record and finished 28th in both team offense and defense. But you know how misleading statistics can be. The Falcons were even worse.

They were so bad that the team leader in sacks (4) was a Lexington, Ky., plumber named Buddy Moore, who played in three replacement games during the strike. (He has since returned to plumbing because the pay is better.)

The Falcons have sunk so low--three 12-loss seasons in four years--that one local columnist has taken to referring to the brains of the organization, owner Rankin Smith and President Rankin Smith Jr., as “Jed and Jethro Clampett.”

Atlanta should win the Bottom Ten title, but it won’t be easy since the Falcons have to lose to such flowerhouses as Tampa-at-Bay, the New York ‘ants and Irwindale, the inventor of 10-man football (no quarterback).

THE RANKINGS

Team, ’87 Record Worst ’87 Loss Next Loss 1. Atlantis (3-12) 0-38, New Orl. Detroit 2. N.Y. ‘Ants (6-9) 21-41, S.F. Washington 3. Irwindale (5-10) 14-16, San Diego San Diego 4. Dallas (7-8) 20-37, Phila. Pitt 5. Denver (10-4-1) 10-42, Wash. Seattle

6. Detroit (4-11); 7. (Tie) L.A. Cobras (6-8) and L.A. Rams (6-9); 9. Tampa-at-Bay (4-11); 10. Phoenix* (7-8).

*Not a typographical error.

OTHER BAYS RECEIVING VOTES: Green (5-9-1).

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: Atlantis (3-12) at Detroit (4-11).

ROUT OF THE WEEK: Washington (11-4) over N.Y. ‘Ants (6-9).

STUCK-IN-LODI DEPT.: Bob Wheeler, manager of the General Mills plant in Lodi, Calif., explaining why 12,000 boxes of Wheaties featuring the Denver Broncos were destroyed after their Super Bowl loss to Washington: “Wheaties has always been the breakfast of champions, and the Super Bowl has only one winner.”