At Least, Hot Air Rises to the Occasion

When John McKay coached at USC, he calmed his nervous troops before one big game by telling them, “A billion Chinese couldn’t care less about this game.”

That won’t work anymore. The Chinese have cable.

Everyone in the world will be watching Saturday’s USC-UCLA football game. The loser will have no place to hide. It is the game of the ‘80s, at least. I predict it will be a 4-blimper.

It is too good to be true.

That’s the problem. The game is too good to be good.

It’s a custom-made set-up for disappointment. If both teams play up to capabilities and expectations, the game will end in a scoreless tie, with Rodney Peete--or Pat O’Hara?--and Troy Aikman each throwing 9 touchdown passes.

A lot of what will happen Saturday at the Rose Bowl is beyond our control. Some games are simply destined for pooch-dom. But what worries me about the pregame buildup is that everyone is being too nice. Emotions are not running high enough. The mutual respect is so thick you could cut it with--appropriately--a very dull knife.

Maybe the following conversation between a Bruin fan and a Trojan fan, overheard recently at a neutral-site bar, will help clear the air, draw the battle lines and remind both sides what they’re fighting for.

“Good luck Saturday, old pal. May the best team win, and may your team not suffer excessively.”

“Very cute, Mr. Bruinkisser, but I won’t stoop to your level. I have a lot of respect for UCLA. They are a very physical football team. They have to be physical, because they sure ain’t mental. That play-calling, when you lost to Washington State because you couldn’t score from the 6, that was brilliant.”

“Losing 1 tough game, I don’t think that is a viable yardstick of the intelligence of a coaching staff.”

“ One tough game? Did you have any tough games? Admit it, there was a sprinkling of cupcakes and cream puffs on your schedule. Who’s your athletic director--Sara Lee?”

“Speaking of snacks, how’s that offensive line of yours? Any of them hit 400 pounds yet? We’re a little suspicious about the huge weight gains over there, my friend. What are your players eating?”

“Weird stuff. It’s called real food. Our guys eat it because they don’t have access to the freshly grown beat sprouts and granola and sushi that you chic and trendy Westsiders dine upon. Even your dogs are vegetarians.”

“Speaking of dogs, you don’t plan to bring that big, mangy animal to the Rose Bowl Saturday, do you?”

“You must mean Traveler, the Trojan horse? Finest mascot in college sports?”

“A handsome animal, indeed. Rumor is he’s a lab rat on steroids. All I want to know is, that fellow in the silly costume who rides your horse, what has he done with the Lone Ranger?”

“Wake me up when UCLA gets a real mascot and gets rid of that cartoon bear. You should alert Jellystone National Park that you have him in custody. Ranger Smith must be frantic. And is it true your mascot is dating Smokey the Bear’s sister?”

“He’s dating your . . . Never mind. OK, I’ll give you credit, your mascot is stunning. Too bad he’s not stadium-broken. At least your team has one decent runner. It used to be that USC would take nobodies and make them into Heisman Trophy candidates. Now you do it the other way around.”

“Hey, I almost forgot, you do have a mascot--the coach. Terry Donahue. Mr. Fun, Mr. Excitement.”

“Whoaaa. I don’t think you want to get into a coaching charisma-off. Your guy makes Donahue look like David Letterman. I’ve had zanier econ professors than Larry Smith. What does he tell the guys at halftime--’Win one for the chancellor?’ ”

“How petty can you get? Next you’ll be criticizing our uniforms. Although that certainly would be foolish, considering the lovely powder-blue fashion statements your team features.”

“Obviously you prefer more vibrant colors, and I respect that. What did Charley Finley charge to design those uniforms?”

“Think we could stick to the substantive issues here, kumquat brain? This isn’t a Presidential candidate’s debate. How about quarterbacks?”

“You mean your guy, the infielder whose ambition is to be a game-show host or TV weatherman or something? Tell him, if he’s not sick enough already, the extended forecast for Saturday is Trojan gloom, with small-quarterback warnings.”

“I’m glad your quarterback has such a bright future in pro football. I’m not sure how many job opportunities there are for someone with a degree in country music appreciation. Say, he had a real nice game last year at the Coliseum.”

“Who can play in that dump? Although I can’t overlook its historical value. It’s the only stadium in history to be abandoned in favor of an Irwindale gravel pit.”

“Granted, it’s no Rose Bowl, with its luxurious metal-slat seating. And very modern, roomy dressing rooms, too, so cramped that the cockroaches have chiropractors. Will Saturday’s game start right at noon, or do we have to wait for the swap meet to end?”

About this time, the conversation started to get ugly and mean-spirited, and we wouldn’t want that kind of sentiment to infect Saturday’s game. I just want the players to be aware that USC people hate UCLA people, and vice versa, and this should be taken into consideration in preparing for what we all hope will be a titanic tussle.