Men Should Start Talking About Cancer

My good friend Betsy--not her real name--found out she had breast cancer six months ago and has told a few of us all about it. She is coping well after treatment, and her disease is in remission.

My friend Alex--not his real name--has prostate cancer and isn’t talking about it. He has never told anyone but his wife.

The only reason I know he has it is that his wife told me; she needed someone with whom she could talk. She was horrified at first. “Why him?” she asked. After the tears, the worry set in. His problem was also diagnosed six months ago, and his cancer, like Betsy’s, is in remission after radiation treatment. But Alex is losing his ability to perform sexually, and he and his wife are depressed.

Both Betsy and Alex have a good chance of living long and happy lives. Betsy’s mental attitude is great. She is buoyant and hopeful. But Alex is quiet and withdrawn.

Some of my best friends have had breast cancer. Most of them have beaten the disease. And apparently, some of my best male friends have had prostate cancer and I just never knew it. I feel sorry about that. I would have liked to have sent cards, offered prayers and hope for them and their families. As most of us have learned, cancer affects the whole family.

142,900 New Cases

One out of 10 women in the United States will get breast cancer. The American Cancer Society estimates that there will be 142,900 new cases this year. And an estimated 103,000 new cases of prostate cancer will be diagnosed in the United States in 1989. About one out of 11 men will develop the disease.

I am so proud of women. Where once they could not talk about that area of their body, now they can. We talk about mammograms and breast examinations as routinely as if they were just dental checks. That is healthy.

From Julia Child and Betty Ford to Shirley Temple Black, women who have survived breast cancer have told their stories of pain and gain, and the road to wellness.

If you did not see NBC’s “The Ann Jillian Story” or “Destined to Live,” you missed wonderful stories. “Destined to Live” was hosted by Jill Eikenberry from “L.A. Law,” herself a breast cancer patient, and this docudrama wasn’t medical, it was more philosophical and personal.

Jill talked to many famous women--Nancy Reagan, Gloria Steinem--housewives and career women about their bouts with cancer, and then the film cut to her elderly aunt who had cancer years ago, and how her faith had held her together and she had overcome.

I was so impressed with the courage and positive attitude of these women.

Not So Grim

The statistics on breast cancer are not as grim as they once were. Localized breast cancer is nearly 100% curable today, and the same is true of prostate cancer in men.

But now I want to tell you why I think it is important to be like Betsy with her cancer rather than like Alex.

First, Alex’s wife thinks he would be much better off if he talked about his illness--the treatment and the prognosis.

I realize that men have been conditioned to keep things about their sexuality to themselves.

Some people don’t even know where the prostate gland is. Although men can and do brag about sexual prowess, they do not want to talk about impotence, much less admit it. The old saw that “men don’t cry and women are the weaker sex” still flourishes.

Prostate cancer is, also, not always the end of a man’s ability to perform sexually, but many men are macho about being ill, almost cloistered--and especially so if it represents an affront to their manhood.

Proven Wrong

Women who are afraid they will lose their sexuality because of breast cancer and mastectomy have been proved wrong and have found out that breasts are not the only things that make them attractive or desirable.

I guess what I am saying is that men go by a double standard. They might talk about their wives’ recuperation from breast surgery at a party, but you don’t hear them talk in a group about their “prostate trouble” or prostate cancer in a serious way. There is still that bravado.

Knowing Alex, I think it would be much better if he knew that we all know he is ill and suffering from fear and doubt.

People who can talk about their illnesses are much better off psychologically. Denial is normal at first, but you can’t go forward with it. Support from loved ones is essential.

My friend Alex suffers alone, and I hate that.

Perhaps I’m being a little hard on men, but even Dr. John Laszlo, author of “Understanding Cancer,” admits there is an unneeded “shamefacedness to prostate trouble.”

Doesn’t Have to Kill

I recommend this excellent book for its candor and its information on the emotional side of dealing with cancer. Cancer kills 460,000 Americans annually, but it doesn’t have to, and now we know that. Four out of 10 patients who get cancer this year will be alive five years after diagnosis.