Congratulations! You Paid How Much for Whaaaat?

After-purchase dialogue, or what not to say to new homeowners:

--”What did you go way out there for? It’s got to be a seven-hour commute.”

--”That’s what they told you? How could it be Gothic Cape Cod with French Provincial trim?”

--”You mean you’re contracting for your own landscaping? All around? That’s a headache that’s this big.”

--”You put money down for one bedroom, one bath, no garage from pictures? In a brochure?”

--”You can’t possibly get your money out in a hundred years.”

--”No down payment? Watch out how they load your first 10 months.”

--”I should have told you beforehand. My brother-in-law could have gotten you a much better deal at Lonely Acres.”

--”Sounds nice, I guess. When I drove by last time, it was all refuse and weeds.”

--”I hear the schools out there are terrible. Worst in the state.”

--”Sweat equity? Even a gross of Underarm Plus won’t get that place finished for five years.”

--”Adjustable-rate mortgage? On those pumped-up payments, you’ll be on the foreclosure circuit before the end of the second year.”

--”My folks actually moved away from there. You know, no bus service, no library, no supermarket, nothing. Man, you’re stuck.”