Nude Beach Sentries Call Photographer’s Buff

Nudists hate two things: large mosquitoes and cameras of any caliber.

At San Onofre State Beach, just south of the nuclear power plant, sun worshipers have become militant and are said to have established a vigilante system of detecting and discouraging photographers.

A 19-year-old college student from Bakersfield learned the hard way. He was

taking pictures with his home movie camera, with zoom lens zooming.

Eight to 10 male nudists surrounded him. He protested that he was only shooting the coastal bluffs. They said his interest was buff, not bluff.

He ran. They chased him. They snatched his film and exposed it to the light.

“They were all around me, screaming and cursing and saying, ‘This is our beach,’ ” said Lawrence Dortch, an economics major at Cal State Bakersfield. “You never saw a bunch of naked men get so mad.”

The San Diego County Sheriff’s Department investigated. Dortch said he couldn’t identify his attackers. Funny thing, since he had ample opportunity to get a good look at them.

During the investigation, said Detective John Minardi, it was learned that the nudists have a system of sentries to alert the group when cameras intrude. When the alarm is sounded, nudists drop what they’re doing and come running, like a volunteer fire department.

State policy forbids nudity on state beaches but places a low priority on enforcement. Lifeguards tell nudists to cover up only when they get complaints. Deputies are called only in emergencies.

Nudists stay mostly in a secluded part of the beach. It’s been that way for two decades.

“We have a nucleus of people who like clothing optional,” said Allen Oliver, district superintendent for state park and rec. “They tend to look after each other.”

Cafe, With an Ole

A sign in the window of Seventh Near B, a downtown magazine and coffee shop: “Leona Helmsley 95-cent Espresso Special. You little people don’t have to pay the tax. This one’s on me.”

Beneath Leona’s front-page picture: “Ding Dong. The Witch Is Dead.”

As you know, the little people can be very wicked.

Bored Prune Surfaces

If the lords of the Guinness Book of World Records are satisfied, the next volume will say that an individual record for underwater stationary bicycling was set at the bottom of

the San Diego Hilton swimming pool on Aug. 30, 1989.

It was set by Bill Evans, 32, of El Cajon, a fitness aficionado and former Coronado cop, who pedaled 60.1 miles in 4 hours and 50 minutes, using scuba gear. In the process, he raised $339 for Ronald McDonald House.

Guinness currently has no individual underwater stationary bicycling record, just relay teams. Evans has made several attempts to crack Guinness, all

pending, including power-lifting, bicep-curling and stationary bicycle riding on land.

Guinness tends to eliminate all but the essentials for its annual edition. Here are some facts behind Evans’ submarine feat that may not be included:

- How did he look when he got out?

Pruney, very pruney.

- What did he say upon emerging to the applause of onlookers?

“My mouth is so numb I was worried about remembering how to breathe.”

- What did he say a few minutes later?

“ Was that the most boring thing in the world or what?”

- What did he say was his next challenge?

Making the world’s biggest milkshake, 200 gallons of milk, ice cream and protein supplement to feed the homeless.

- Why 200 gallons?

Because the Guinness record is 170 gallons.