The Networks’ New Season : The Great Plains of Prime Time

Is this Kansas?

No, but as a group, the new series opening the 1989-90 television season on ABC, CBS, NBC and Fox are almost as flat--an endless plain broken only by an occasional hill.

Before going further, a brief confession. I began critiquing these new shows with the best intentions. In the manner of Robert Louis Stevenson’s Dr. Jekyll, however, my passionate experiment with reviewing has on occasion freed the dark side of my mind to take total, terrifying control of my body and will. And so today, as we travel day by day across the new schedule, you shall meet the terrible Mr. Snide.

MONDAY

“Major Dad,” 8 p.m., CBS, special premiere Sunday. Comedy. Maj. J.D. (Mac) MacGillis (Gerald McRaney) is a spit-and-polish Marine training officer who is interviewed by liberal Oceanside Chronicle reporter Polly Cooper (Shanna Reed) for a story on his unit that turns out to be a hatchet job. The next day he objects, and she invites him over for dinner, where he meets her three daughters. The next day they argue at lunch. The next day he asks her to marry him.

“Do you really want to commit yourself to a woman you’ve just met, who disagrees with almost everything you stand for, a woman with three children?” Polly asks. “This is crazy,” she says.

Mr. Snide: Even worse, this is television.

“The People Next Door,” 8:30 p.m., CBS, premieres Sept. 18. Comedy. You’ve heard the expression, “If only these walls could talk.” In this series, they do--along with everything else. That’s because everything that cartoonist Walter Kellogg (Jeffrey Jones) imagines, comes to life, including a moose head and Steve Allen singing at the piano. So far, only his two kids know about his secret. But that changes on the day of his marriage to psychologist Abigail MacIntyre (Mary Gross), whose sister Cissy (Christina Pickles) is already suspicious of Walter. Perhaps this is a show for mooses.

Mr. Snide: And written by mooses. I still prefer “My Mother the Car.”

“The Famous Teddy Z,” 9:30 p.m., CBS, premieres Sept. 18. Comedy. From “Frank’s Place” creator Hugh Wilson comes the story of Teddy Zakalokis (Jon Cryer), a mail-room clerk at a big talent agency who gets to be a superagent himself by punching a big client in the stomach. Agency president Abe Werkfinder (Milton Selzer) likes Teddy, high-powered agent Al Floss (Alex Rocco) doesn’t and Teddy’s old-fashioned Greek grandmother (Erica Yohn) is upset because he’s not working in the family bakery. “I’m going to lie down because I’m die-ink,” Granny moans.

Mr. Snide: I’m die-ink too.

“Alien Nation,” 9 p.m., Fox, premieres Sept. 18. Drama. Once again, a theatricalmovie spawns a series. The setting is Los Angeles, three years after a spacecraft transporting aliens has crashed on Earth. The aliens, who are outwardly humanoid except for their melonlike heads, encounter the same discrimination faced by other minorities. Even so, assimilation is progressing, witness police detective Matthew Sikes (Gary Graham) getting a new partner in alien George Francisco (Eric Pierpoint). And just listen to Mrs. Francisco. “Don’t you just love teen-agers,” she says sarcastically about her rebellious son, Buck, himself a reverse racist, who declares, “All the humans suck, man.”

Mr. Snide: So does this series, man.

TUESDAY

“Rescue 911,” 8 p.m., CBS, already premiered. “Reality.” Narrated by William Shatner, heroic rescues are celebrated in re-creations merging actual news footage with performances by professional actors and the actual subjects themselves.

Mr. Snide: Did Laurence Olivier start this way?

“Wolf,” 9 p.m., CBS, premieres Wednesday. Drama. Tony Wolf (Jack Scalia) was kicked off the San Francisco police force on a bad rap. Now he’s busy trying to clear his name; patch up an old feud with his estranged, aging father (Joseph Sirola); get back into commercial fishing; hang out with his friend Connie (Mimi Kuzyk) at her cafe, and work as a private investigator for the attorney (Nicholas Surovy) who prosecuted the police case against him but who now believes he’s innocent and is married to the sister (Judith Hoag) of Wolf’s ex-wife.

Mr. Snide: Is he free mornings for tennis?

“Chicken Soup,” 9:30 p.m., ABC, premieres Tuesday. Comedy. Yiddishlike Jackie Mason still sounds here like he just got off the boat. “I’m a wonderful poyson,” says Jewish carpet salesman Jackie Fisher (Mason), who lives with his mother (Rita Karin) while having a secret affair with Catholic Maddie Peerce (Lynn Redgrave), otherwise known as “the shiksa next door.” And if his mother finds out, 52-year-old Jackie’s life won’t be so “poifect.” One question. Why is Jackie’s accent thicker than his mother’s?

Mr. Snide: Oy vay.

“Island Son,” 10 p.m., CBS, premieres Sept. 19. Drama. The adopted son of Hawaiians, Dr. Daniel Kulani (Richard Chamberlain) is a hospital physician for all ailments--he even takes part in a heart transplant--and seasons. He is skilled, compassionate, sensitive, poetic, charming, elegant, handsome, dates a beautiful cello player and rides his horse bareback on the beach.

Mr. Snide: Any chance of a tidal wave?

WEDNESDAY

“A Peaceable Kingdom,” 8 p.m., CBS, premieres Sept. 20. Drama. And you think life where you live is tough. You should be a gorilla at the zoo where Rebecca Cafferty (Lindsay Wagner) is managing director, lives with her three kids and faces trauma after trauma. Or a kangaroo or a seal. Or Dr. Jed McFadden (Tom Wopat), the zoo curator who is ever feuding with research director Dr. Bartholomew Langley (David Ackroyd). Not that any of them count much, because it’s Rebecca’s zoo and Wagner’s show.

Mr. Snide: I like her better when she sells cars.

“Doogie Howser, M.D.,” 9:30 p.m., ABC, special premiere Sept. 19. Comedy-drama. A production from Steven Bochco (“Hill Street Blues,” “L.A. Law”), this is the Tom Hanks’ movie “Big” in reverse, as Doogie Howser (Neil Patrick Harris) laments being treated like “a jerky kid” even though he’s a brilliant doctor and wears a lab coat. Maybe it’s because he’s 16. Or maybe it’s because his name is Doogie. Doogie to his dad (James B. Sikking): “Why can’t I just be a normal kid?” Dad to Doogie: “Because you’re not a normal kid. You’re Doogie Howser, M.D.”

Mr. Snide: I can’t take all this gritty realism.

“The Nutt House,” 9:30 p.m., NBC, premieres Sept. 20. Comedy. Created by Mel Brooks and Alan Spencer, “The Nutt House” refers to a hotel that abuses and ridicules its guests under the close supervision of nasty manager Reginald J. Tarkington (Harvey Korman) and “housekeeper from hell” Mrs. Frick (Cloris Leachman). They report to the 100-year-old owner, Edwina Nutt (also Leachman), who lives in seclusion on the top floor. Meanwhile, Tarkington demands perfection from the staff as they greet guests: “All right, everybody. Phony smiles!”

Mr. Snide: Or any smiles they can get.

THURSDAY

“The Young Riders,” 9 p.m., ABC. special premiere Sept. 20. Drama. It’s the 1860s, and these here young riders are braving Indians, outlaws and saddle sores to deliver the mail cross-country. They include young William Cody (Stephen Baldwin), who’ll become Buffalo Bill, and young James Butler Hickock (Josh Brolin), who’ll become Wild Bill Hickock.

Mr. Snide: Sounds like junk mail to me.

“Top of the Hill,” 9 p.m. CBS, premieres Sept. 21. Drama. Capitalizing on his sparkling record as a surfer and rock band manager, young Tom Bell (William Katt) is elected to fill out the unexpired congressional term of his ailing father (Dick O’Neill). Like most freshmen congressmen, he checks into his new office and immediately flies to Latin America, where he almost single-handedly brings down a powerful and vicious drug lord.

Mr. Snide: Maybe President Bush should watch this series.

FRIDAY

“Snoops,” 8 p.m., CBS, premieres Sept. 22. Drama. One husband-and-wife team plays another. They bicker and banter together. What criminology professor Chance Dennis (Tim Reid) and State Department official Micki Dennis (Daphne Maxwell Reid) do best, however, is solve crimes together--accompanied by a lot of lip. Micki, on one of Chance’s theories: “I think you are grasping at straws.”

Mr. Snide: No comment.

“Baywatch,” 8 p.m., premieres NBC, Sept. 22. Drama. The characters are Mitch Bucannon (David Hasselhoff), Craig Pomeroy (Parker Stevenson), Jill Riley (Shawn Weatherly), Eddie Kramer (Billy Warlock), Shauni McLain (Erika Eleniak) and Trevor Cole (Peter Phelps). They’re a dedicated group of Los Angeles County lifeguards who patrol the Southern California shoreline.

Mr. Snide: It doesn’t get any better than this.

“Family Matters,” 8:30 p.m., premieres Sept. 22. Drama. Harriette Winslow (JoMarie Payton-France), the elevator operator from “Perfect Strangers,” has been spun off to another series. Harriet and her husband, Carl (Reginald VelJohnson, are beside themselves. Harriette’s sister and her baby already live with them, and now Carl’s pushy mother (Rosetta LeNoire) has moved in too. Bring on the high jinks. Carl: “Harriette, Mama’s sittin’ in my chair.” Harriette: “I don’t know what you’re complaining about. She insulted my meatloaf even before I took it out of the oven.”

Mr. Snide: My sides are splitting.

“Hardball,” 9 p.m., NBC, special premiere Sept. 21. Drama. Charlie Battles (John Ashton) is a tough, middle-aged cop who’s seen it all. But what’s this? They’ve given him a brash young partner who rides a motorcycle and wears long hair, an earring and funny clothes that Charlie hates. These guys together? How will Charlie ever get along with Joe (Kaz) Kaczierowski (Richard Tyson)?

Mr. Snide: How will he even pronounce his name?

“Mancuso, FBI,” 10 p.m., NBC, premieres Oct. 13. Drama. Crusty, crafty Nick Mancuso (Robert Loggia) originated in NBC’s “Favorite Son,” last season’s kinky, sex-and-politics miniseries that was almost universally lambasted, with good reason. As the story’s only tolerable major character, Mancuso got the nod as a spinoff.

Mr. Snide: Who gets to wear the garter belt this time?

SATURDAY

“Living Dolls,” 8:30 p.m., ABC, premieres Sept. 26. Comedy. The action centers on four young models (Deborah Tucker, Halle Berry, Alison Elliott and Leah Remini) at an agency run by Trish Carlin (Michael Learned). Because Samantha Micelli (Alyssa Milano) of “Who’s the Boss?” is yanked back to her own series after being deployed here initially only as a device to introduce the four models, you might call “Living Dolls” a yo-yo spinoff.

Mr. Snide: I’d just call it a yo-yo.

SUNDAY

“Life Goes On,” 7 p.m., ABC, special premiere Tuesday. Drama. Heartwarming TV rises about 10 degrees on the thermometer with the introduction of the Thacher family. There are the dad (Bill Smitrovich), the mom (Patti LuPone), the sisters (Monique Lanier and Kellie Martin) and the 18-year-old brother with Down’s syndrome (Chris Burke, who actually has Down’s syndrome).

Mr. Snide: Will someone please turn on the air conditioning?

“Booker,” 8 p.m., Fox, premieres Sept. 24. Drama. He’s young, he’s handsome, he’s tough, he’s defiant, he wears lots of leather and he doesn’t play by the rules. With credentials like these, Dennis Booker (Richard Grieco) could only be a cop-turned-private-eye for a mainstream corporation where everyone else wears pin stripes. A spinoff from Fox’s “21 Jump Street,” Booker will take the rest of us squares into his own special hip rock ‘n’ roll world.

Mr. Snide: Doesn’t leather get hot in the summer?

“Free Spirit,” 8 p.m., ABC, premieres Sept. 22. Comedy. Attorney and single parent Thomas Harper (Franc Luz) has hired housekeeper Winnie Goodwinn (Corinne Bohrer) to help out at home with his three kids. Winnie is great. But what the kids discover--and Tom doesn’t--is that Winnie is something else too. She’s a witch.

Mr. Snide: Didn’t he check her references?

“Sister Kate,” 8 p.m., NBC, special premiere Saturday. Comedy. Sharp-tongued and irreverent, Sister Kate (Stephanie Beacham) is no ordinary nun. But perhaps an ordinary nun could cope with the discipline problem at Redemption House, an orphanage whose multi-ethnic kids seem a long shot for adoption. Sister Kate has a way of being at the right place at the right time. As one of her teen-age girls is being sexually assaulted by a date, Sister Kate arrives in the nick of time clutching a golf putter. The boy: “What are you doing here?” Sister Kate: “I’ve come to raise your handicap!”

Mr. Snide: Forrrrrrre!

“Homeroom,” 8:30 p.m., ABC, premieres Saturday. Comedy. At home with his med-student wife (Penny Johnson), teacher Darryl Harper (Darryl Sivad) gets regularly lectured by her father (Bill Cobbs), who is not only their landlord, but also lives downstairs. At school, however, it’s Darryl who does the lecturing, evoking such names as Mike Tyson and Don King to inspire and teach math to fourth-graders in a black ghetto.

Mr. Snide: Maybe he should be teaching them TV scriptwriting.

1989-1990 FALL LINEUP

Time P.M. 7 p.m. 7:30 p.m. 8 p.m. 8:30 p.m. SUN ABC LIFE GOES ON FREE SPIRIT HOMEROOM CBS 60 Minutes Murder, She Wrote NBC Magical World SISTER KATE My Two Dads of Disney FOX BOOKER America’s TOTALLY Most Wanted HIDDEN VIDEO MON ABC NFL Monday Night Football CBS MAJOR DAD THE PEOPLE NEXT DOOR NBC Alf The Hogan Family FOX 21 Jump Street TUE ABC Who’s the The Wonder Boss? Years CBS RESCUE 911 NBC Matlock WED ABC Growing Head of the Pains Class CBS A PEACEABLE KINGDOM NBC Unsolved Mysteries THU ABC Mission: Impossible CBS 48 Hours NBC The Cosby A Different Show World FRI ABC Full House FAMILY MATTERS CBS SNOOPS NBC BAYWATCH SAT ABC Mr. LIVING Belvedere DOLLS CBS Paradise NBC 227 Amen FOX Cops The Reporters

Time P.M. 9 p.m. 9:30 p.m. 10 p.m. SUN ABC ABC Sunday Night Movie CBS CBS Sunday Night Movie NBC NBC Sunday Night at the Movies FOX Married ... OPEN The Tracy With Children HOUSE Ullman Show MON ABC Local Programming MacGyver* CBS Murphy FAMOUS Designing Brown TEDDY Z Women NBC NBC Monday Night at the Movies FOX ALIEN NATION TUE ABC Roseanne CHICKEN thirtysomething SOUP CBS WOLF ISLAND SON NBC In the Heat Midnight Caller of the Night WED ABC Anything DOOGIE China Beach But Love HOWSER, M.D. CBS Jake and Wiseguy the Fatman NBC Night THE NUTT Quantum Leap Court HOUSE THU ABC THE YOUNG RIDERS PRIMETIME LIVE CBS TOP OF THE HILL Knots Landing NBC Cheers Dear L.A. Law John FRI ABC Perfect Just the 20/20 Strangers Ten of Us CBS Dallas Falcon Crest NBC HARDBALL MANCUSO FBI SAT ABC The ABC Saturday Mystery CBS Tour of Duty SATURDAY NIGHT WITH CONNIE CHUNG NBC The Golden Empty Hunter Girls Nest FOX Beyond Local Tomorrow Programming

Time 10:30 p.m. SUN Garry Shandling MON Newhart TUE WED THU FRI SAT

New programs are in bold face, upper case type * MacGyver airs at 9 p.m. on Channels 3 and 42, with local programming at 10 p.m.