Basis of Successful ‘Recoupling’

Long-term reconciliation between divorced couples isn’t easy. West Los Angeles psychiatrist Mark Goulston believes that successful “recoupling” is often based on the following:

* Mutual interests. Both parties have to want a reconciliation, Goulston says, “or else you might as well be beating a dead horse.”

* Humility. “The most important thing is having the capacity and willingness to take responsibility for your share of what went wrong in the past.”

* Deflation. Enough time should have passed that each person has had a realistic and humbling taste of single life and seen other relationships fail.

* Compassion. “Seeing things through the other person’s eyes helps thaw any anger or bitterness,” Goulston says. “It’s a psychological impossibility to be both empathetic and angry at the same time.”

* Rehabilitation. This is the ability to recognize your mistakes, learn from them, and take actions to correct them. “The only way it can work out again is if both people have undergone some significant change,” Goulston says. “Otherwise old patterns of behaving and methods of coping are bound to reappear.”