He’s Capable of Saying Almost Anything Once He Gets Cookin’

College football commentator Beano Cook, quoted by Sandra McKee of the Baltimore Evening Sun on Air Force quarterback Dee Dowis’ chances to win the Heisman Trophy:

“If Dowis can get 100 yards on Notre Dame Saturday, it will be a big boost for him. To this point, he’s gotten a lot of yards against some lesser opponents.

“Against Notre Dame, he’ll be playing behind a line that couldn’t play for Notre Dame. Heck, there are probably only five guys on the whole Air Force team that could get a tryout with Notre Dame.”

Who will win the Heisman? “You just can’t tell,” Cook said. “I still think the majority of people who vote for this award are like the people in Congress--not very bright. So who knows?”

Who’s on first?: From Tim Kurkjian of the Baltimore Sun:

“Texas Ranger first baseman Rafael Palmeiro was asked to fill out a ballot for best defensive players in the league. When he got to the word assist, he asked, ‘How you do get an assist?’ Palmeiro once asked, ‘How many teams are there in the American League?’ ”

Add Kurkjian: “The Toronto Blue Jays’ Mike Flanagan has a new nickname for (Detroit) Tiger reliever Mike Schwabe: Chemo. Get it? Chemo Schwabe.”

All in good taste: Vida Blue, former pitcher for the Oakland Athletics and San Francisco Giants, got married during the last weekend of the regular season on the field at Candlestick Park. The ceremony included an honor guard of Giants with raised bats and a carriage ride for the newlyweds around the outfield. When a TV crew approached the groom and asked for an interview, Blue declined because he “didn’t want to turn his wedding into a circus.”

Not ready for any time: Speaking of bad taste, how lame was the “Saturday Night Live” sketch on the late Bart Giamatti? It began with an ersatz Commissioner Fay Vincent, who was a friend of Giamatti, telling baseball’s owners that he would like all players to wear armbands bearing Giamatti’s initials during the 1990 season. It went straight downhill from there, with the Vincent character demanding that baseball terms, stadiums, and, finally, players and owners be renamed for Giamatti. The audience didn’t think it was funny, either.

Trivia time: On Oct. 10, 1981, USC’s Marcus Allen rushed for 211 yards, his fifth straight 200-plus game, against Arizona. Who won the game?

Thrill is gone: From Phil Jackman of the Baltimore Evening Sun:

--”I don’t want to say a Vin Scully broadcast is stereotyped, but I can’t tell if the NBC headliner is live or Memorex anymore.”

--”If George Steinbrenner letting soon-to-be free-agent pitcher Mark Langston know that he’s in tight with movie producers isn’t tampering, what is? See, Langston’s wife is an aspiring actress.”

--”Now that Yogi Berra has retired from baseball, he’ll assume his real position in life, that of movie critic. His agent is listening to offers as Siskel & Ebert cringe. Yogi says his favorite funny line was, ‘Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore; it’s too crowded.’ The man belongs on the tube, definitely.”

The Fitchburg State watch: The Falcons had the week off.

Trivia answer: Arizona, 13-10.

Quotebook: Artist Robert Longo, who has an exhibition at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, explained on KCRW public radio why his work is a reflection of violence in America: “I grew up watching TV, watching movies . . . and I played football.”