Italians Might Find the L.A. Connection Has a Flip Side, Too

Hello again, Los Angelenos. This is your Italian basketball correspondent, Ugo Dunka de Balla, with the latest news from Europe regarding one of your countrymen. We have just made off with another of your players, Benoit Benjamin. Inna you face.

I am pleased to report that Signor Benjamin soon will be working for Philips Milano. No, this is not a longshoreman from Brooklyn. Philips Milano is a basketball team in the city you Americans know as Milan, which is not very far from Venice, which is a very long way from Marina del Rey.

Benoit, he is the third and most seasoned professional we Italians have lured away from the United States this year, and the second L.A. Clipper. You may remember that a couple of months ago, one of our organizations from Rome signed the Clippers’ top draft choice, Danny Ferry, who already has adapted quite nicely into Italian society, except for the rude way he refuses to pinch women.

I made a long-distance telephone call Monday to one of my paesans from California, a sports columnist for one of your fine daily newspapers, to tell him the news about our successful pursuit of Benoit Benjamin. His reaction surprised me. What he said was:

“Good. That makes up for your taking Ferry.”

I no understand. Is not this Benoit Benjamin the starting center of one of your National Basketball Assn.’s teams? Did he not average 16.4 points per game? Has he not played more than 9,000 minutes as a professional? Is he not 250 pounds and, mama mia , 7 feet big?

“Yes, my friend,” my California contact said, “but all I can say is, it is fitting that he goes to a country that is shaped like a boot, because Benoit Benjamin doesn’t know his right shoe from his left.”

Evidently, not everybody in America believes the loss of Benjamin to be a serious loss. Already I have been told that Benoit was not what you would call popular. That anytime Benoit was in the opening lineup, the Clippers had a starting four. That Benoit had trouble breaking the other team’s press--without the ball. That in his entire career there were only two times Benoit ever truly hurt the Clippers--in the first half and in the second half.

Poor man. I thought you people threw farewell tours for your Los Angeles centers when they left the NBA. For Benoit you throw a party because he is leaving.

What is to become of your Clippers now that we have taken Ferry and Benjamin from them? Will their record not be something like 1-81? Are our Italian teams not better now than they are? Would they not lose to Bob McAdoo and any four guys from Palermo? Could they even stay on the same court with Florence’s team? How about with Maria’s or Sophia’s?

Ay, we thought after taking Ferry and Benjamin and Brian Shaw, you Americans would be ready to re-declare war on Italy. What we gonna have to do for you to take us seriously--sign up that retired Jewish guy, what’s his name, Irving Julius? My friend in Los Angeles, he says the only person from Italy that Pat Riley ever worries about is Giorgio Armani.

I no know. When I tell such things to Philips Milano’s head coach, Red Marinara, he just laughs and says the Americans are only pretending not to be concerned. He contends that Benoit Benjamin will become such a hero in Italy, he will be bigger than the Leaning Tower of Pisa. But my friend from Los Angeles just says that Benjamin will turn out to have the moves of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, with only half the inclination.

One thing we heard over here was that Benjamin’s personal advisers includes the boxing promoter, Don King. We all get a kick out of King over here. His hair is taller than the Pope’s hat.

Whatever advice Benjamin got, at least he will soon be making a lot of money. One of my Italian friends wondered if this might hurt Benoit’s chances of getting into the Hall of Fame. My Los Angeles friend said there’s only one thing necessary to keep Benoit Benjamin out of the Hall of Fame, and that’s a security guard.

Nevertheless, I still think this is the next step toward the National Basketball Assn. turning into the International Basketball Assn., with teams trotting all over the globe. The only trouble is, considering some of the personal habits of some of your American athletes, what starts out as a two-week road trip could end up as two years in a Turkish prison.

We do sincerely hope that tourists will consider coming to Italy this winter to watch some of your old basketball-playing friends. Right now, we are having some arena problems. One of our team owners wants to put luxury boxes in the Colosseum.

Otherwise, everything is fine. We are going after Danny Manning next, then Ken Norman, then Reggie Williams, until all the Clippers have left is an empty whirlpool and 32 used Snickers wrappers found in Quintin Dailey’s old locker.

We are sorry to leave the Clippers in the current state they are in. California, we mean. Ciao for now.