UCLA Will Rise Again, Making Up for the Fall

So now, let me tell you why UCLA is going to beat USC in Saturday’s football game.

Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike . . .

You sure you want to write this?

Yes, I’m sure.

UCLA (3-7) is going to bump off USC (8-2).

The point spread is 17. Those of you who haven’t been guests on the Phil Donahue show this week, be sure to get a buck down.

OK, I know the Bruins are in ruins. I know the blue and gold is mostly blue. I know Terry Donahue could do a guest shot on Phil’s show next week as an expert on coach abuse.

But this one is the season saver. This one gets the little bears through the winter. This Saturday belongs to USC’s least favorite four-letter word, UCLA.

Do I want USC to lose?

No way.

Don’t take this personally. Larry Smith has himself one bad-derriere team here. The Trojans are going to another Rose Bowl, where this time, for a change, the football players are going to be tougher on Michigan’s students than that mean old USC band.

I like this Trojan team a lot. I particularly like John Jackson, who could catch knuckleballs without a mitt. Jackson doesn’t have hands; he has pincers. One of these days he is going to pull a Kevin Mitchell and catch a pass bare-handed. The last thing I saw with hands like John Jackson’s was a robot building Toyotas in Japan.

Then there’s that linebacker, Junior Seau. For now, Junior is a junior. Just wait until he becomes Senior Seau. Say wow. This guy puts hits on you like you’re a tackling dummy. He took that Arizona quarterback last Saturday and pulled his arms and legs like a Stretch Armstrong doll. And he did it wearing the ugliest socks I have ever seen, including the ones who play baseball for Boston and Chicago.

Yes, the Trojans have the horses. They are really something. They are 6-0 in the conference, and their only losses have been to Illinois and Notre Dame, both of which are nationally ranked, and both of which they outplayed.

So, how come USC after Saturday is going to be 6-1 in the conference?

Because UCLA:

1. Is not as bad as you think. I mean, we’re not talking about SMU or Kansas State here.

2. Has too much pride to just show up Saturday and take a whipping. At least one would think so.

3. Does not want to finish dead last in the conference, which isn’t even all that tough a conference.

4. Might finally give the assignment to No. 7, Bonds, Jim Bonds, the quarterback who is better shaken than stirred.

5. Must know by now that USC does not wish to risk getting anybody hurt, now that the Rose Bowl is wrapped up, so will probably come out all nice and friendly-like.

6. Desperately wants to dodge the No. 1 ranking in Steve Harvey’s final Bottom 10, a fate worse than death.

7. Does not want anybody to start calling UCLA a basketball school.

8. Almost defeated Michigan earlier this season and intends to show USC how it’s done, to provide Larry Smith with footage for game films.

9. Wants to win at least four games, which ought to be good enough for one of those goofy bowl games out there.

10. Would like to do something nice for Terry Donahue, who must occasionally wonder why he didn’t take that job with the Atlanta Falcons.

All I know is, the UCLA team that took Michigan to the wire is too good a squad to go down the tubes this way. USC recovered from Illinois and Notre Dame. What happened to UCLA?

Well, bad things happened, on and off the field. By opponents and by campus cops, the Bruins got trapped like rats. They’ve practically been nominated for the Tournament of Rodents parade.

Donahue, naturally, has taken most of the blame, which really makes my brown eyes blue. Where do people get the colossal gall to say the things they do about a guy like Terry Donahue? The man has been devoted to UCLA football from the day he stepped on campus, and the minute things turn bad, people turn on him as though he shot the sheriff.

Shameful. Donahue has coached successful UCLA teams, and will again. He is neither a mind-reader nor a magician. He cannot know what his players are thinking or doing every minute that they are out of his eyesight, and he cannot play the game for his players every minute that they are standing by his side.

Somehow, I can see the UCLA players saying to themselves that they have one last chance Saturday to show everybody that they are not a bunch of bums.

They are going to take the game right to USC, I really believe that--same way the Trojans did to them in 1987, when everybody thought that was the Bruins’ year. The better team that season ended up spending Christmas Day at the Aloha Bowl.

Is USC the better team this season? Of course it is. Any idiot could see that. Even sportswriter idiots.

But listen, you Trojan fans are going to laugh last, when your team wins the Rose Bowl. So, come on.

If you’ll just let UCLA have this one measly game, what a nice gesture it would be. After all, the Bruins aren’t going to be doing anything on New Year’s Day, except watching the parade.