UCLA Left in Ruins of Season

The Colleges

UCLA, which disappointed an average of 51,632 fans per game to lead the nation, was declared the winner of the 1989 Bottom Ten championship.

The Pasadena team--ranked sixth in one preseason Top Ten poll--will have its name inscribed on a perpetual bronze dunce cap in Al’s Billiards and Sushi Bar* at Muscle Beach. This marks the first time the Ruins have won the title since 1920, when they posted an 0-5 record and lost to Whittier, 103-0.

UCLA edged out slow-finishing Arizona State, which not only ran its eight-year record against Arizona to 0-7-1 but was voted fashion flop of the year after showing up for its finale in canary-yellow jerseys.

“They looked real cute,” said Arizona linebacker Chris Singleton, “like a bunch of bananas.”

* A promotional fee has been paid the Bottom Ten by Al’s Billiards and Sushi Bar, Inc.

THE BOTTOM TEN RANKINGS

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. UCLA (3-7-1) Idle Still Idle 2. Ariz St (0-7-1) 10-28, Arizona Mr. Blackwell 3. Oklahoma (7-4)* Idle Studying 4. Indiana (5-6) 14-15, Purdue No Bowl 5. Kharkov (0-1) 0-26, Moscow** Classified 6. Miami’s (12-9)*** Def. N.D, 27-10 Sugar 7. Idle Idle Copper Bowl 8. Texas (5-5) 7-50, Baylor Texas A$M 9. LSU (4-7) Def. Tulane, 27-7 Idle 10. Bill & Mary (0-1)**** 10-24, Furman Done

11.-14. Heisman Trophy candidates’ performances Saturday (Notre Dame’s T. Rice, 50 yards in 20 carries; Indiana’s A. Thompson, 97 yards in 28 carries--36 yards in second half; Florida’s E. Smith, 0 yards in 0 carries; Notre Dame’s R. Ismail, 29 yards in 4 carries); 15.-16. The two teams that lost to SMU (names withheld pending notification of athletic director); 17.-19. Calling all Mildcats (Northwestern, Kentucky, Kansas State) (7-26); 20. Pentagon (at sea) (2-9).

*Banned from Top Ten rankings, so Bottom Ten opened its heart to Sooners.

**First game of American football between Russian teams.

***Miamis of Fla., Ohio. (or vice versa).

****Record in NCAA I-AA playoffs.

The Pros

Oh, those feudin’ and fussin’ coaches of the National Foot Bawl League. If it isn’t Bills assistants slugging it out or a Green Bay aide socking a fan, it’s Dallas Coach Jimmy Johnson claiming Philadelphia has a bounty out on two Cowboy players.

Actually, Johnson was only partly correct. The Eagles were being offered money to make sure they didn’t knock any of the inept Cowboy starters out of the game.

In other off-the-field action, New England (4-8) said it was considering starting its fourth quarterback of the season--Marc Wilson. Better start limbering up, Rusty Hilger, wherever you are.

While Super Bowl flop Cincinnati seems unlikely to make a repeat appearance, there’s still a chance that the extravaganza’s two biggest losers, Minnesota (0-4) and Denver (0-3), could meet in January, in which case Fran Tarkenton would throw out the ceremonial first interception.

THE RANKINGS

SWOON CONFERENCE

Team Was Is Next Loss 1. Chicago 4-0 6-6 Minn. 2. Cincy 4-1 6-6 Cleveland 3. Seattle 4-4 4-8 Buffalo 4. Dallas 0-0 1-11 Rams

WHINE CONFERENCE

Coach, Team Gripe 1. Johnson (Dall) Bounties on players 2. Ditka (Chic) His team stinks 3. Noll (Pitt) Oilers are animals 4. Glanville (Hous) Steelers are wimps 5. Ryan (Phil) Sportswriters are stupid 6. Kuhlmann (Phoe) Lousy referees*

* Complaining after his first game!

SUPER DUDS CONFERENCE

Team, Super Bowl Record Last Drubbing 1. Minnesota (0-4) 14-32, Oakland, XI 2. Denver (0-3) 10-42, Washington, XXII 3. Cincy (0-2) 16-20, S.F., XXIII 4. New England (0-1) 10-46, Chicago, XX 5. Rams (0-1) 19-31, Pitt, XIV

ATTENTION, AL DAVIS: Attendance at Raiders-New England game (38,747) was exceeded by the turnout at Oregon State-Hawaii game (42,133).

TALK ABOUT INNOVATORS: Bear Coach Mike Ditka disclosed that one day last week, the weather was so cold that he ordered the players train indoors at Lake Forest College, where they had to work out in the dark because of a power failure.