THE BOTTOM TEN : Bowling Is Not Their Best Sport

The Colleges

One of the most suspenseful questions about the Rose Bowl game is: Will anyone win? After all, it matches two of the game’s most notable bowl-botchers in Bo Schembechler (5-11) and Larry Smith (1-3-1).

Smith, on a two Rose Bowl-losing streak, could become the first coach to come up short three straight times in Pasadena since Cal’s Pappy Waldorf in 1949-51. The Trojans, by the way, had registered Aloha and Citrus setbacks before Smith’s arrival, meaning the team is working on a four-bowl losing streak overall. The sad fact: No player on the current Trojan team has ever tasted bowl success.

Schembechler could be pushed on the all-time losses front by LaVell Edwards (5-8). The Brigham Young coach is taking his team to the Sea World Holiday Bowl, which will feature players on both sides wearing black-and-white armbands in memory of the amusement park’s late attraction, Kandu.

Fred Akers (2-8), on the other hand, made sure that he will never lose--or coach in--another bowl game by transferring to Purdue.

BOWL-BOTCHER RANKINGS

Coach, Team Record* Next Loss 1. Akers (Purdue) 2-8, .200 None 2. Dooley (Wake Forest) 2-7, .222 None 3. Perles (Mich. St.) 1-3, .250 Aloha 4. Smith (USC) 1-3-1, .250** Rose 5. Claiborne (Kentucky) 3-8, .273*** None 6. Schembechler (Mich.) 5-11, .312 Rose 7. Edwards (BYU) 5-8, .384 Holiday 8. Mallory (Indiana) 3-4, .429 None 9. Nehlen (W. Va.) 3-3, .500 Gator 10. Osborne (Neb.) 8-8, .500 Fiesta

*Record may cover stints with more than one school.

**Doesn’t include embarrassing 24-6 loss as West coach in the last Shrine game.

***Announced his retirement.

The Pros

The NFL front office was reviewing the latest charge by Dallas Coach Jimmy Johnson--that Philadelphia Coach Buddy Ryan had offered to pay a cash bounty to any fan who mussed up Johnson’s matted hair with a snowball.

The bombardment was so intense Sunday that when the Cowboy coach left the field Sunday, two guards actually held their hands over his glistening coiffure. Some insiders speculated that the incident may finally persuade the NFL to adopt a mandatory helmet rule for coaches.

During the game, Dallas punter Mike Saxon was also pelted, reviving memories of the 1985 tragedy in which a Denver fan’s snowball caused 49er kicker Ray Wersching to miss what would have been a game-winning 19-yard field goal.

Snowball terrorists also struck in Cincinnati, forcing Bengal Coach Sam Wyche to grab a microphone and inform them: “You don’t live in Cleveland.” Actually, the way that both the Browns and Bengals are folding in the stretch, you couldn’t blame Ohioans for getting the two confused.

THE RANKINGS

IT’S MY FAULT CONFERENCE

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Ditka (6-8) 17-27, Detroit Bay (Green)

SWOON CONFERENCE

Team Was Is Next Loss 1. Cleveland 7-3 7-6-1 Minnesota 2. Cincinnati 4-1 7-7 New Orleans 3. Phoenix 5-5 5-9 Denver 4. Dallas 0-0 1-13 Themselves 5. L.A. Lambs 27-10 27-30 N.J. Jets

CRAZED FANS CONFERENCE

City, Chief Weapons Ejections Next Week 1. Phil. (snowballs) Est. 70 Idle 2. Cincy (snowballs) Unknown Houston 3. Cleveland (biscuits) Idle Minnesota 4. Seattle (boos) Idle Raiders 5. Anaheim (yawns) None Idle

TALK ABOUT BAD INVESTMENTS: Among the items seized by federal authorities at the Phoenician Hotel, owned by beleaguered savings and loan czar Charles Keating, were several hundred tickets to Phoenix Cardinals games.

QUOTEBOOK I: Eagle QB Randall Cunningham, unflattered by Giant Coach Bill Parcells’ compliment that Cunningham is one of the 10 top QBs in NFL: “There are only 28 quarterbacks.”

QUOTEBOOK II: Dallas Coach Jimmy Johnson, on the snowball outburst in Philadelphia: “That’s not the kind of thing you’d ever see in Texas Stadium.” (Especially considering that (1) it seldom snows in Dallas and (2) the stadium is partly enclosed.)