Baseball, Money Soon Part

About all these baseball deals, I was just wondering:

--Why don’t the San Francisco Giants take some of that money and put it into a park?

--Were I a baseball fan in Toronto, the trading of Fred McGriff, Tony Fernandez and Junior Felix for Joe Carter, Roberto Alomar and Devon White would immediately convert me into a hockey fan.

--Can’t those New York teams keep anybody?

--Any Dodger game pitched by Kevin (Sandpaper) Gross and Jay (Pine Tar) Howell probably will be played under protest.

--Attention, parents: Bud Black makes $10 million and you want your child to do his homework?

--If they have another exploding scoreboard at the new Comiskey Park, Cory Snyder is going to make that baby go bang-zoom about 20 or 30 times.

--Shouldn’t the commissioner set a quota on how many Japanese players the Detroit Tigers can have?

--Attention, you parents again: Zane Smith will make $3 million a year and you’re letting your child use his right hand?

--I want to see if I have this straight: Dave Righetti left the New York Yankees after George Steinbrenner lost control of the club?

--Oh, never mind. The important thing is that Steve Farr is a Yankee now and it’s like 1927 all over again.

--Well, here it is Friday and the San Diego Padres haven’t traded any All-Stars for several hours.

--To the New York Met executive who said he preferred having Vince Coleman to Darryl Strawberry anyway, I have only 10 words to say: Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho, ho! Good one!

--Hey, we’ll take Kevin McReynolds off your hands, too, pal. Give you $100 cash. You’d probably rather have $100 cash.

--I have this recurring nightmare in which Bo Jackson and Kirk Gibson are heading toward one another at full speed, chasing the same fly ball. Owwwwwwww.

--Well, Brett Butler reportedly has reduced his contract demands to what Strawberry makes instead of what Jose Canseco makes. Oh, and he’s dropped his demand that Peter O’Malley buy him Malibu.

--Let’s see, the Oakland Athletics can afford to lose Willie McGee, and they can afford to lose Bob Welch. Boy, they really do think they’re better than the Cincinnati Reds, don’t they?

--I have seen the Boston Red Sox pitching and I don’t care where that left-field fence is . . . these guys could still use Fernando.

--The Chicago Cubs continue to offer Mitch Williams to any manager in baseball who doesn’t suffer from nerve or heart trouble.

--You know who could really be good someday? Ken Griffey III.

--I have been thinking a little more about that Boston Red Sox pitching, and come to think of it, they could use me.

--Attention, parents of girls: Do not let your daughter grow up to be a sportswriter. It isn’t the locker room I’m thinking about; it’s the money. Put a bat and glove in her hands, and I mean today!

--Come on, you can tell me: Jack McKeon is secretly running the Toronto Blue Jays, isn’t he?

--Do you suppose the Giants are telling all these new players of theirs to check out homes and schools in Denver or New Orleans?

--Let’s see, who appeared in more Padre games: Joe Carter or Roseanne Barr?

--You have seen what the Reds, Dodgers, Padres and Giants have been doing, but hurry over to Vegas and put a bundle on those fast-improving Atlanta Braves to finish fifth.

--Now that Joe Torre is managing the St. Louis Cardinals, he’s making plenty of changes: Third-base coach--Joe Garagiola; First base--Bob Starr.

--New incentive clause for Roger Clemens: $50,000 for every playoff game he isn’t kicked out of.

--New incentive clause for Eric Davis: Round-trip air fare for all postseason play.

--New incentive clause for Darryl Strawberry: Free pork chops if his barber carves “Farmer John” onto the sides of his head.

--Attention, parents: Major league baseball is considering expansion! Pitchers are desperately needed! No experience necessary! Right-handed, left-handed, underhanded, backhanded! We don’t care! If your kid can kick a ball 60 feet 6 inches with his or her feet, give us a call! Operators are standing by! We provide uniforms, shoes, supporters (if applicant is male), rosin bags, soap for shower, everything your child will need! Big $$$$$ possible! Your son or daughter could be a multimillionaire baseball pitcher! So call today! Our salaries are insane!