Sure, maybe 1990 wasn’t all it promised...

Sure, maybe 1990 wasn’t all it promised to be.

A press release from Loyola Marymount University announcing that Bart Simpson would be the summer graduation speaker turned out to be a hoax.

Ditto the invitation we received to attend the inaugural voyage of Los Angeles River Cruises between downtown and Griffith Park. Or did we just arrive at the Main Street docks too late?

But if it’s any comfort, 1990 was a disappointment for some famous names, too.

Ollie North’s ex-secretary, Fawn Hall, who wants to become a talk-show host, sat in on two sessions of a Broadcast Journalism 402 class at USC. She was asked to leave because she had no registration papers. (She hadn’t accidentally shredded them--she just never enrolled).

During the brief stay of Lincoln Savings & Loan chief Charles Keating in L.A. County Jail, his clothes were lost, as well as $5 of the $25 in his wallet.

Junk-bond king Michael Milken was sentenced to 10 years in federal prison, meaning he’ll have to doff his toupee. Hairpieces are banned behind bars so that prisoners can’t conceal anything, besides their bare skin, underneath them.

And one Princess Thekla von Stett-Vasary wrote to the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce in an unsuccessful bid to buy the Hollywood sign “for my Caribbean island, from where the 50-foot-high letters, properly illuminated, could be seen from far, becoming a landmark for all visiting tourists. . . .”

The good news was that Southern California was relatively free of catastrophes, though a 5.5-magnitude quake struck Upland on Feb. 28. The ground shook, by the way, just as the L.A. City Council was passing an ethics bill.

Universal Studios suffered damage in an arson fire on Election Night, causing CBS’ Dan Rather to quip that political careers were “going up in smoke, and so is Universal Studios.” Televangelist Pat Robertson, noting that Universal had produced “The Last Temptation of Christ,” said that the fire might have been the “judgment of God.”

In some ways, 1990 was the Year of the Medfly. The battle against the fruit-tree varmint was so intense that Jeff Williamson of Sherman Oaks proposed a revised city seal (see photo).

The debate over the safety of spraying from helicopters brought out the poet in many Southern Californians, including Paul Chavez of Eagle Rock, who submitted this lament:

O malathion,

Thou rule the night.

For when you fall,

We hide from sight.

As always, it was the Year of the Traffic Jam. Memorable freeway obstacles included bees tormenting drivers on the Artesia, a load of L.A. Dodger programs spilled across several lanes of the Hollywood, a pack of dogs that forced a shutdown of the Glendale in Echo Park, and dozens of diapers stalling traffic on the San Diego. Fortunately, the diapers were the disposable variety.

The book, “Manifold Destiny--The One, The Only, Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine,” offered tips on how to make use of freeway time with such internal-combustion dishes as “Melrose Ave. Chicken.”

Still, the congestion was enough to make you want to do what the businessman in Terry Allen’s sculpture outside the downtown Citicorp complex (see photo) is doing.

Or make you want to contact your local representative:

Councilwoman Joy Picus, stalled in traffic on the Hollywood Freeway, was asked by a motorist in the next lane:

“Would you mind calling my office and telling them I’m going to be late for the deposition? My name is Sharon . . .”

Parking was a problem, too--for almost everyone. Several limousines parked outside the Bonaventure Hotel during a visit by President Bush were spray-painted with graffiti.

Ever the innovator, L.A. County saw the 1990 birth of a combination hair salon/dating service in Woodland Hills, a surfboard art show in Santa Monica, and a proposal by a group of engineers in Montrose to build orbiting space arenas for zero-gravity sporting events (the Raiders turned them down).

Comic John Pate unveiled his collection of “Star Tracks,” autographed tread-marks of celebrity-driven vehicles on canvas.

And a downtown restaurant announced plans for L.A.’s first earthquake-themed restaurant, Epicenter, complete with photos and paintings of famous shakers. Prices, it promised, would be of moderate magnitude.

Most innovative court defense came from a deputy district attorney, ticketed in Beverly Hills for walking his dog without a leash. He unsuccessfully argued that he was able to control the hound with a “psychological leash.”

Speaking of deputy district attorneys’ (and man’s) best friend, the city of Manhattan Beach won honors for Most Graphic Sign (see photo), giving dog-owners the scoop on their responsibilities.

And, finally, our Jane Fonda-as-a-Texas-election-issue item:

Jim Hightower, a Democratic candidate for state office, was accused of once having “visited Jane Fonda’s home.” Hightower said he never had. A spokeswoman for his Republican opponent then responded that Hightower had visited Los Angeles. And the spokeswoman added: “Los Angeles is the home of Jane Fonda.”

May it ever be so.