This Could Make Us Real Winners

At first, I thought we were going too far. I thought we were being greedy pigs in our hunger to win, win, win.

Yet the more I think about us--us being the United States--sending professional athletes to the Olympic Games, the more I like it.

In fact, we’re not taking it far enough.

We need to send our professionals in all the events.

We need to send Mike Tyson and Michael Nunn and some of our other top boxers over to Barcelona to knock some of those foreigners’ blocks off. We could even send George Foreman again, if he thinks he could train in Spain without restaurants with drive-up windows.

We also need to do better in Olympic wrestling, so instead of sending some amateur from Iowa or Oklahoma State, what we do is send the Ultimate Warrior or Rowdy Roddy Piper or the Hulkster over there to kick some Olympic butt. Picture the look on some poor kid from Poland or Paraguay when Jake (the Snake) Roberts pulls that snake out of his sack.

And we could use some improvement in the martial-arts events, judo and such. So, rather than send some recent graduate of a mini-mall karate class, what we do is send Steven Seagal and Chuck Norris to the Summer Games to stare into those poor Olympians’ eyes and say something like: “So, you thought you were gonna win a medal, did ya, punk?”

Well, why not?

We’ve got nothing to lose.

Do we?

Hey, we already send our professional players to the Olympics to play tennis, and we intend to send our professional basketball players, and we can no longer separate our professional track-and-field people from our amateurs. (I guess the ones still in high school are the ones without trust funds.)

But America needs to get tougher. Why bother sending “amateurs” of any kind to the Olympics anymore? What do you say, gang? Let’s play to win.

You say you’re tired of losing in ice hockey? Tired of waiting over 20-year intervals for the United States to pull off those Squaw Valley and Lake Placid upsets at the Winter Olympics?

Well, all we have to do is send over a few more of our American-born goons. The Canadians, Soviets and Czechs will still have the best skaters, but our boys will go over there and snap a few suspenders and crack a few helmets and give it their all for America the beautiful. Bring home a bronze medal for sure.

Then there’s this yachting competition in the summertime. Why shouldn’t we send over a proven winner, Dennis Conner? Dennis will do whatever it takes to win. If he has to bring a catamaran, he’ll bring a catamaran. If he has to bring an Evinrude outboard motor, he’ll bring an Evinrude. Dennis sails to win.

Now, this weightlifting thing. While I’m sure that we are well represented at present, it occurs to me that there must be several hundred manly convicts in federal penitentiaries throughout America who have had little else to do over the past 10 to 15 years than hoist those barbells. I’ll bet if we scoured the slammers, we could find guys who make Vasily Alexeev look like Pee-wee Herman.

Yes, the time has come to take the Olympic Games seriously. We obviously are not satisfied by simply making a good effort and showing good sportsmanship any more. That’s why we are sending our NBA basketball players, isn’t it? Because we don’t like to lose?

Let’s load up in those equestrian events with some of our top Hollywood stunt riders. While some socialite from Great Britain is trying to impress the judges by jumping over some shrub, our stunt-woman will leap from one horse’s saddle to another while firing over her shoulder with a Winchester rifle. Maybe rescue a stagecoach in the process.

Volleyball? We send over a Wilt Chamberlain-coached team where everybody’s over 7 feet tall. Nothing gets past ‘em.

Table tennis? OK, so the Asian players are far superior. What we do is send over McEnroe and Agassi with paddles in their hand, have them start screaming about line calls or whether a ball nicked the side of the table. Good psychology.

Cycling? Our riders are much too polite. Let’s use some American Gladiator or Roller Derby types. When a cyclist makes his move, our rider catches him flush in the face with a pointy elbow. Sends him flying into Row 3 of the velodrome.

And as long as there is going to be baseball in the Olympics, why do we bother sending these college kids? Let’s get Nolan Ryan over there to hum one under some Taiwan kid’s chin. Back him off the plate. We’ll get even for Williamsport if it’s the last thing we ever do.

Because, never forget, we are the United States of America, and we play to win.