Dear Diary: Europe’s Great Despite This Pension Thing

We’ve been able to obtain a secret diary of the recent three-week European trip by the Orange County Retirement Board, an excursion which members said was necessary (tee-hee) to see firsthand how the county pension fund’s overseas investments are handled.

The group went to London, Paris, Geneva and Berlin. So far, the county auditor-controller has rejected about one-third of the roughly $15,000 in expenses submitted by the group.

Tuesday, 9 a.m.: Can’t believe we’re really in Berlin. So many things to do on this trip and only three weeks to do them. I hope we get to see everything. Went to the opera last night, unbelievable performance, but ooh, what they charge for tickets! But if you want to be in the fifth row, you gotta pay for it. Ah well, when in Rome. . . .

Thursday evening: Spent the evening in the Grand Hotel sipping ale. May have gotten a little tipsy, because one of the other board members stood up and shouted, “Pension fund, schmension fund!” That adorable hunk of a waiter, Siegfried, was so attentive, but we probably shouldn’t have tipped him $50 on a $100 tab.

Saturday night: They say there’s nothing more romantic than sipping wine at a Parisian sidewalk cafe, and they may be right. Of course, a little cognac helps too. I can’t afford the stuff at home. One of the spoilsports said we may be doing things a little extravagantly on this trip, given the county’s budget problems, but as another famous Frenchie said, “Let them eat cake!”

Sunday: The Eiffel Tower is a gas. Nobody believed I’d climb up and throw a handful of twenties over the side, but it just goes to show you, you don’t really know a person until you get them out of town.

Tuesday: God, you just never pack enough for these trips. And the Chanel boutique was just right down the street. Holy cow, I couldn’t eat at Maxim’s with the rags I brought from home.

Thursday: Everybody wanted to take a side trip to Monte Carlo. I said no, until they mentioned the Hotel de Paris.

Friday: I am so unlucky at roulette. If I were playing with my own money, you can bet I’d have someone explain the stupid rules before I drop that kind of cash again.

Monday: If it’s Monday, this must be Geneva. This part of the trip got off to a rocky start. Hans the doorman came in, and we all started playing dominoes. Next thing we knew, Hans had cleaned us out for about 200 clams. He may be a con man. I complained to the concierge, and he was so nice about the whole thing, I slipped him a 20 too.

Wednesday: Back to reality. We all went over to meet with some of the investment guys today. Bor-r-r-r-ring. I mean, how much can you take of “ratio of contributions toward benefits” and “survivor options and eligibility of dependents.” Sheesh. What do these guys do for fun?

Friday: Got our answer to what these stuffed shirts do for fun. Ran into a bunch of them at a nightclub tonight, where we all kicked in 50 bucks to get in a yodeling contest. I finished third.

Tuesday: Saw the most exquisite watch. Had to have it, but can I justify it? Hmmm, let’s see, we have a lot of county-business appointments we’re supposed to keep over here, and I don’t want to be late for any of them. So, theoretically, I need a dependable watch. And the salesman said it was a steal at $600.

Thursday: London is so dreary. Slipped a 50 to one of the palace guards to let us see the Royal Family, but that was a waste of money.

Friday: Cost us a bundle, but we got into the club where Princess Di used to boogie. Didn’t see her, and we spent most of the night standing against the wall.

Saturday: Late-night dinner at the Savoy. We started playing a silly little game called “Boondoggle.” The rules were simple: Every time someone mentioned “annuities” or “portfolios,” they had to throw a 10-spot into the Thames.

Sunday: Whew. Finally heading for home. What a trip. We were so happy with the whole thing we bought drinks for everyone on the plane. We made some wonderful friendships and, boy, did we drop the bucks! But you only go around once, and we made ourselves a promise to come back and do it again next year. But we were thinking--don’t we have investments in Hong Kong. . . .?