FASHION : Seeing Dread : Every year with the arrival of swimsuit season we get only 30 days to prepare to get practically naked in public.
First, the bad news: Swimsuit season is descending swiftly upon us.
Now, the good news: If you hurry, you can still book yourself on an Alaska cruise for the duration.
OK, I know what you’re thinking. You assume that I’m about to launch into a diatribe about this year’s swimsuits.
About how ridiculous I think this season’s crystal beads, rhinestones and glitter look on something that is meant to go into ocean water.
About how I resent being asked to pay $120 for a piece of cloth no bigger than my hand, which some designer will surely call out of style next spring.
About my doubts that any male swimsuit designer has ever worn a bikini made of neoprene--the fabric used to make wet suits.
About how totally moronic a designer would have to be to create a bathing suit with a mesh floor-length bustle that could wrap around your neck in the water faster than Isadora Duncan could say “aargh.”
But if you assumed that that was what I was going to talk about, you’re wrong. In truth, what bothers me the most is the way the swimsuit season is thrust upon us.
Don’t put the paper down yet. Think about this for a minute. Every year it’s the same thing: We get 30 days to prepare to get practically naked in public.
This year was no different. I first realized it when I was driving in Simi Valley the last week of April, and there, on a banner with neon-orange letters, was a sign outside a sporting goods store that read: “Swimsuits Here May 30!”
I remember the moment distinctly because I was so puzzled about what I was supposed to do.
Did they expect me to be excited? (“Honey! Only a few more weeks to wait before I can buy a new suit!”)
To be concerned about my finances? (“Let’s see, which will it be--braces for the kids or a rhinestone-studded bathing suit?”)
To be filled with dread? (“Oh God, I’ve never been so fat in my life and there’s no way on this green Earth that anybody is going to make me peel down in public until my jaw has been wired shut for a month.”)
Faced with this multiple-choice dilemma, the most logical decision was to be filled with dread. A few days later I wandered into a grocery and realized I had made the right decision.
You must have seen some of those magazine teasers while you waited in the checkout line too. On each cover is a beautifully made-up model with a flawless figure, wearing a bathing suit that looks like it was sized for your daughter’s Barbie doll. Right next to her in bold print are the words that are meant to make you buy that issue: “Be Swimsuit Perfect! Flatten Your Tummy and Thin Your Thighs in Just 30 Days!”
Let’s get real here. You know, I know, swimsuit designers and those headline writers know that the only way most of us are going to have flat tummies and thin thighs in 30 days is if the liposuction machine is left running that long.
We don’t want lies. And we’re not fooled by neoprene or glittery fabric. We are intelligent human beings, many of whom have had children and now sit at our desks all day and have the bodies to prove it. The thought of getting ready for the beach makes most of us shudder.
So if those department stores, swimsuit designers and magazine writers were really smart, they’d banish the thought that, starting in June, swimsuit season is here.
At the end of December, they’d bring out their new lines, just when all of America is at its fattest, most accepting and most tolerant. They’d make them in styles that didn’t look like loincloths. And magazine teasers would read, “You’ve Reconciled Yourself to the Body, Now Buy the Suit!”
With six months to get used to the idea, everyone would sleep a lot easier.
* THE PREMISE
Ventura County is teeming with the fashionable and not-so-fashionable. There are trend-makers and trend-breakers. There are those with style--personal and off the rack--and those making fashion statements better left unsaid. Twice a month, we take a look at fashion in Ventura County--trends, styles and ideas--and ask you what you think. If you have a fashion problem, sighting or suggestion, if you know a fashion success or a fashion victim, let us know. We want to hear from you.
