Follow the Bouncing Ball With ‘Name That Newsmaker!’

Enough of football, basketball and badminton. Let’s play a real game, sports fans, one that’ll really scatter that gray matter.

It’s time for Name That Newsmaker!

Read each selection carefully, then choose one of the multiple choice answers below. Use a No. 2 pencil, please, and no scribbling in the margins.

And hey, cheat all you want!

If prep sports were a game show,

As they often seem to be.

This man would be the host,

He’s the Blue Book Referee.

He started with a thud,

Wouldn’t issue a credential,

To a certain Riverside paper,

Writing on prep sports’ violent potential.

He made rulings here,

He made rulings there,

And unless your name was Filbeck,

You thought him pretty fair.

But he often seemed frustrated,

By the slimy side of sport.

After every ruling, he’d glumly say,

“We’ll all end up in court.”

A. Stan Thomas, Southern Section commissioner.

B. Judge Wapner, “People’s Court.”

C. Arnie Becker, “L.A. Law.”

D. David H. Souter, Supreme Court justice.

They’re our three favorite transfers.

Can you name their names?

One played for the Diablos.

And was never seen again.

One was a snazzy dancer.

(Michael Jackson, watch out!)

The other was briefly ruled ineligible.

During which he chose to pout.

A. Hughie, Dewey and Louie.

B. Manny, Moe and Jack.

C. Fred, Barney and Dino.

D. Marcellus, Derek and Ryan.

He explodes like a time bomb,

When his players don’t try their best.

He has a propensity for intensity,

That outdoes all the rest.

Break a chair, toss a clipboard,

Crack a mirror in two.

You’d better hope when his team’s losing,

He’s not looking at . . . you.

A. Bobby Knight.

B. Bobby Knight’s biggest fan.

C. Western basketball Coach Greg Hoffman.

D. All of the above.

He’s a cool customer,

In the shopping mall of life.

But out on the court

He’ll rip you like a knife.

Leave him open outside,

He’ll bury the three-point shot.

Can you stop him on the drive?

No, I think not.

Still clueless?

Oh, what a shame.

He’s that brainy little David from Tustin.

You should know his name.

A. Einstein.

B. Beer Stein

C. Beilstein.

D. Frankenstein.

Is he Peter the Great?

Or brother of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman?

Does he have a sense of humor?

Would he do the Bartman?

We’re not quite sure who he is.

Or what philosophy he prizes.

Just when we think we’ve got him figured,

Another personality arises.

Catholic schools in public leagues?

“No way,” he said at first.

“Let Mater Dei compete with us?

“Oh there could be nothing worse!”

But suddenly he says his relations.

With the Catholics are so much sweeter.

Ah, his benevolent side is showing.

He must be St. Peter!

A. Peter Sellers

B. Peter Pan

C. Peter Hartman, Saddleback Unified School District superintendent

D. Peter, Peter, the Pumpkin Eater

He’s a floppy-haired lad,

Who often looks sad,

When he doesn’t have the ball.

Luckily his teammates learned,

They were gonna get burned,

If they didn’t pass to Mr. Tall.

He’ll be a big star,

Another Abdul-Jabbar,

OK, so that’s an opinion.

But when you’re 6 feet 11,

With moves made in heaven,

The court is your dominion.

A. Cherokee Parks.

B. Cherokee Beaches.

C. Cherokee Nation.

D. Tes Whitlock after a growth spurt.

He got a bum rap,

He never really cheated.

Before he could defend himself,

His firing was completed.

But that’s the way it goes,

At CdM High School,

When your principal’s the president of CIF,

There ain’t no mercy rule.

A. Charlie Brande.

B. Charlie Brown.

C. Charlie Brand-X.

D. Charlie Horse.

He stuck a knife through his stuffed bunny’s head,

Hung it by a noose from the top of his bed.

Terrorized quarterbacks on the football field,

But after each touchdown, he piously knelt,

Praying for strength, again and again.

“Please, God, another sack! Amen, amen.”

A. Satan.

B. The same dude who killed Laura Palmer.

C. My 19-year-old deaf, toothless dog, Pucci.

D. Aaron Gutridge, Tustin linebacker.