He Is Refusing to Take Toros by the Horns

So what gives with David Letterman?

He made a big deal on his late-night talk show about his pitching skills. He offered his services “to any major league team” wanting an inning of shutout ball. He said he might not strike out the side, but he guaranteed a scoreless inning.

And sure enough, the Pacific Coast League’s Tucson Toros took Letterman up on his offer, giving him the chance to start their July 1 exhibition game against the parent Houston Astros at Hi Corbett Field.

But so far, Letterman hasn’t responded.

“It’s time to put up or shut up,” Toro General Manager Mike Feder said. “He’s been whining for two months, and now he’s got the chance. . . . Now we are calling his bluff and await the final verdict.”

Perhaps Letterman is looking for a way out, so here are the top 10 list of reasons why he shouldn’t do it.

--The Astros will offer him a contract.

--NBC will announce his retirement.

--He will get more laughs on the mound than he ever got behind the microphone.

--He will be giving Arsenio Hall endless material for his own show.

--Jay Leno will pitch the second inning and take another job away from Letterman.

--The manager will suggest Letterman head for the showers . . . after watching him warm up.

--The catcher will handle his pitches with his bare hand.

--The umpire will give Letterman his chest protector.

--He will get a big laugh from the batter . . . after he inadvertently hits him.

--The operator of the speed gun behind home plate will be asked what it reads and reply, “Thirtysomething.”

Trivia time: Who wore No. 33 for the Boston Celtics before Larry Bird?

No-hitters? No big deal: Nolan Ryan might be a big name in most circles, but not in the Ryan household.

The Bob Ryan household, that is.

Bob, 50, is Nolan’s older brother. Bob has become so blase about the accomplishments of his famous sibling, he shut off the television after watching seven innings of Nolan’s sixth no-hitter a year ago.”

“I went to bed,” Bob told the San Antonio Light.

A retired Air Force colonel, the older Ryan says being the brother of the future Hall of Fame pitcher is “not my occupation in life. People hold him up as this perfect person. I see the flaws and blemishes. I see him as a normal human being who happens to be very good at what he does.

“But I look at him with the criticalness of a brother. I feel like saying, ‘Look, guys, this is not Moses. He’s not going to lead us into the Promised Land. He’s got problems, too.’ ”

Add Ryan: It sounds like Bob Ryan also has a few problems with his brother’s popularity.

“You walk into a room with Nolan Ryan, and where does the spotlight focus?” Bob said. “It’s not a very big beam. I’ve been snubbed more than once by people who act like I’m not even there. After a while, you get a little callous toward that sort of thing. You understand it, but you don’t enjoy it.”

Trivia answer: Forward Steve Kuberski.

Quotebook: Baltimore Oriole pitcher Gregg Olson, after throwing two pitches so far off the mark they caromed toward first base: “You know you’re in trouble when you’re fielding your own wild pitches.”