Bachelors Get Tips on Challenging Subject: Women : A workshop at Rancho Santiago College helps guys learn how to win--and keep--the gal of their dreams.

SANTA ANA —  It was billed as a “Boot Camp for Bachelors,” and it was no place for an aggressive TV newswoman.

She marched in late with a cameraman and announced to the 13 participants in the for-men-only workshop at Rancho Santiago College that she had come to get a “lighthearted story” for a local news station.

The men, who had not been expecting her, would have no part in it. They protested almost in unison and then voted to boot her out.

The men were uneasy because signing up for a workshop in which communications consultant Brenda Blackman offered tips on how to win--and keep--the woman of their dreams had meant admitting they weren’t as sure of themselves around women as they felt they should be.

As they took turns explaining their reasons for being there last Wednesday night, several of the men said they’d been burned in a relationship and hadn’t been able to figure out why. They hoped Blackman would help them understand how women think and what they want and need from men.

Although some of the participants had recently been divorced and were dealing with re-entry shock as singles, most were young professionals who had never been married but said they would like to be.

Blackman, a Tarzana-based consultant who frequently leads workshops at community colleges around Orange County, may not have given them all the answers they were seeking, but the men listened attentively for three hours and seemed to leave with more confidence than they had when they arrived.

Perhaps that’s because they were already practicing some of Blackman’s advice, particularly the part about standing tall even when your heart is pounding and your palms are sweaty.

Early in the evening, Blackman critiqued the way each man walked, adjusting their arms or shoulders when she felt a more commanding posture was needed. As they walked, she talked:

“If you approach a woman feeling nervous, your body signals will be a dead giveaway and you’re going to be rejected. Act as if you feel confident even if you don’t, and the feeling will follow. If it helps, pretend you’re Kevin Costner or Tom Cruise. Confidence gives you a lot of power.”

That advice was an eye-opener for John, who along with the other participants requested anonymity. The 29-year-old engineer admitted his fear of rejection makes him tense and anxious when he asks a woman out.

“You have to have the right mind set before you enter a situation like that so you’re perceived positively,” he said in an interview after the workshop.

Instead of thinking about how much this date means to him before he asks, he plans to start reminding himself that women want “the same things guys do” and most likely will welcome his attention.

He also intends to cultivate platonic friendships with women because, he said, “they give you more insight about yourself and reinforce positive things, like the fact that you’re fun to spend time with.”

After attending Blackman’s workshop, John also is more aware of the importance of what she called “packaging.” Most women value personality and character over looks, but the way men present themselves has a lot to do with whether they hear a “yes” or “no” when they ask for that first date, according to Blackman.

The list of complaints she’s compiled from single women indicate that the little things make a difference. For example, if men’s clothes are wrinkled, their fingernails are too long or their eyebrows are too bushy, their sex appeal quotient goes down.

On the other hand, they make points if they wear a nice cologne, take good care of their teeth and keep their shoes shined.

Men also must pay close attention to the signals they’re getting from women if they want to spare themselves from rejection, said Blackman, who firmly believes that body language can communicate more than words.

Women are interested, she said, when they start moving closer or sitting on the edge of their chair, tilting their head, fluffing their hair, toying with their jewelry or other objects or making gestures that involve touch.

It’s time to slow down or back off when women tighten their jaw or lips, cross their arms and legs, sigh heavily, rub their nose, squint, button their coat or rub the back of their neck, according to Blackman.

John pointed out that anxiety may keep men from following these subtle cues.

“A lot of guys just blunder on instead of waiting for the woman to respond, and then she doesn’t feel like he’s listening to her,” he said. “It becomes obvious fast that he’s nervous. So you need to take a deep breath and relax, and, if the person isn’t available, to take ‘no’ gracefully.”

Men shouldn’t allow their hurt to show when their invitations are turned down, Blackman cautioned. She suggested saying something like, “That’s too bad. It would have been great fun. I’ll call you again soon.”

That leaves the impression, Blackman said, that “you’re a man who values himself.”

Women respond best to men who project competence as well as confidence, and the way an invitation is extended has a lot to do with how it is received, Blackman noted.

“When you first invite someone on a date, have something planned. Don’t be wishy-washy, or she’ll think you lack imagination, authority and strength.”

If you suggest something specific, “it says that you’re not a couch potato; you get around and you know what’s going on in the world.”

Blackman said lunch or brunch makes a good first date because “it tells a woman you really want to get to know her--and it says you’re not desperate.”

And once a relationship has been established, men should keep surprising women with plans for “classy, memorable, exotic” dates, Blackman said.

For example, she suggested, have a friend set up a candlelight picnic that you and your date discover while walking in a park. Hire a limo for the evening. Take a ride on a gondola. Fly to San Francisco for dinner. Or go to a nearby restaurant ahead of time with flowers, and arrange to have them brought to your date at the end of the meal.

Some of the men in Blackman’s audience pointed out that they can’t afford to give their dates such special treatment.

No problem, she said. “If she likes you, she’ll care more about being with you than where you go.”

The important thing is to show her you care by planning ahead and looking for ways to surprise her.

“Romance is a combination of a lot of positive thinking and hard work. Don’t put a relationship on cruise control,” Blackman said.

And don’t forget to put your thoughts into words, she added.

“Men go by what they see; women go by what they hear. Tell her she’s beautiful or that you thought about her all day. Be sincere, but tell her what she wants to hear.

“Even in this day of women’s liberation, women want to be treated gallantly.”