No Worry, It’s Only the Braves

The real reason the Dodgers will win their division title is not the addition of Roger McDowell or the subtraction of Alfredo Griffin or the home run drives of Darryl Strawberry or the contract drive of Eddie Murray, although all of these factors are, uh, factors.

No, the real reason the Dodgers will win their division title is that their only challenger is. . . .

(I can hardly write this with a straight face.)

. . . Atlanta.

(I’m laughing so hard, I can hardly type.)

Yes, Atlanta, stronghold of such international athletic powerhouses as the Falcons, Hawks and Braves.

(Ironically, these three teams combined have won exactly the same number of NFL, NBA and major league baseball championships as Moscow, which I believe was pointed out during Mikhail S. Gorbachev’s news conference Thursday.)

The very idea of Atlanta winning a division title or playing in a World Series is so hilarious, it ought to be directed by Barry Levinson.

I mean, I could understand Cincinnati catching up to the Dodgers, or San Francisco catching up to the Dodgers or even San Diego catching up to the Dodgers, although San Diego has won exactly the same number of NFL, NBA and major league baseball championships that Atlanta and Moscow have.

But the unwritten rule of sports continues to be that no professional team based in Atlanta ever wins anything, which is why the hockey team moved to Canada.

All seriousness aside, Atlanta happens to have a pretty decent baseball team this season, one of life’s little flukes. This has been such an exciting summer in Atlanta, Ted Turner is thinking of bringing in Wolf Blitzer to do the play-by-play.

Atlanta is buzzing with excitement, which is wonderful, since Atlanta usually is buzzing only with mosquitoes.

I realize that the Dodgers should not get too overconfident, because you should never underestimate any team with such stars as . . . as. . . .

(Wait here a second while I look up a box score.)

Let’s see, batting first is Nixon. Wait a minute, isn’t Nixon the manager of the Braves? Or is this some new Nixon? I didn’t even think they liked Nixons down there. I thought they liked, you know, Carters.

Batting second, Treadway. Sounds like a store where you buy tires.

Next up, L. Smith. Hmmm. Can’t be Lee Smith. He’s a pitcher. Can’t be Larry. He’s a football coach. No, wait. They can’t mean Lonnie Smith. Is he still playing? I’ve seen Lonnie Smith catch several baseballs on one hop. Unfortunately, most of them were fly balls.

Cleanup man, Pendleton. Hey, I’ve always liked Terry Pendleton. Nice player. Nice person. But batting fourth? Wow, strong lineup. I’ve seen more power from the Energizer bunny. We’re not talking murderers’ row here. We’re not even talking misdemeanors’ row here.

Next up, Gant. I thought he was in the minors. The way he played the infield, they asked him to take up a new trade, either the outfield or selling insurance.

Sixth batter, Justice. Oh, yeah. This is the guy who can’t make up his mind whether his first name is David or Dave or Apollo. He thinks a lot of himself. He could give ego lessons to Rickey Henderson. But you can understand his being proud. His career in the majors dates back a whole year now.

Seventh, eighth and ninth are Who, What and I Don’t Know.

Even so, I do hope that if the Dodgers don’t win the division title, the Braves do. I’m a big believer in helping the needy.

Atlanta has a Super Bowl and an Olympic Games ahead of it, so why not a World Series? Think of all the excitement there would be at Steamboat-Fulton County Stadium.

The ceremonial first pitch will be thrown out by the mayor of Atlanta and hit out by Hank Aaron. Some fan will chase Hank around the bases. Be like old times.

The national anthem will be played by the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra, led by Buck Owens and Grandpa Jones.

The first game in Atlanta will begin in October and end in November, when it stops raining.

And the first teardrop will be shed by Dale Murphy, who will walk around the stadium for seven nights, asking everybody: “Why? WHY???”

I know that I’ve been making fun of Atlanta here today, but that’s only because somebody from Los Angeles is supposed to, and I’m it.