SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA JOB MARKET : Long-Distance Marriages Have Really Spread

SAN FRANCISCO —  When Betsy and Bill McKiernan married a year ago, they already had what many people would consider to be one strike against them: Their jobs forced them to live in different cities.

Their relationship has survived, but Betsy, 33, acknowledged that this is “not what both of us expect a marriage to be.”

She added: “The sooner this is over, the better.”

What happens when one spouse is offered the promotion of a lifetime in Duluth, Minn., but the other is content with that swell film-industry job in Burbank?

The question arises with distressing frequency. In a 1985 book called “Commuter Marriage: Living Together, Apart,” author Fairlee Winfield estimated that 700,000 U.S. couples had commuter relationships. Now, “I would imagine there are quite a few more,” said Winfield, a professor of management at Northern Arizona University in Flagstaff.

If couples choose to live in separate cities, frequent-flier freebies and lower long-distance phone rates can help. But couples also have to weigh the cost of maintaining two households and the potential emotional toll of weekend-only get-togethers.

For example, the McKiernans spend about $1,500 a month in extra rent, phone and travel costs to shuttle between the Bay Area, where Betsy works for the Ernst & Young accounting firm, and San Diego, where Bill is an investment banker.

The effects are far more pronounced, of course, when children are involved. Commuter couples tend to be childless or to have grown offspring. But even details--those crucial brown shoes are back in Seattle!--can frustrate couples doing the commuter shuffle.

And companies must consider the potential wear and tear on employees who spend weekends on airplanes.

The issue is bound to crop up with increasing frequency as more women pursue careers rather than just jobs. The U.S. Department of Commerce has projected that, by the year 2000, about 80% of couples with at least one spouse employed will be two-earner families.

“One tends to think of commuter marriage as an oddity, but it’s far from uncommon, and we’ll probably see it more often,” said Arlene Johnson, program director for work force research at the Conference Board, a business-backed research group.

Long-distance relationships routinely collapse, but so do perhaps half of conventional marriages. It’s an open question which are more precarious; there are no comparable statistics.

Some people even contend that distance helps.

“Some couples find it very romantic to meet on weekends,” said Mary Bellamy Jones of Career Development Services, a nonprofit group in Rochester, N.Y., that looks at work-force issues.

One factor that worked against couples considering the idea in the early 1980s, Winfield said, was social disapproval. Relatives, friends and employers often expressed concern that separation would doom a relationship.

But a survey taken a year and a half ago, she said, shows that “there is no longer quite the stigma.”

One reason for employers’ increased acceptance of commuter marriages could be that companies often get more for their money from the couples involved. Without their mate to go home to at night, many employees report working longer hours and being able to concentrate better on the job.

“I don’t feel guilty being at the office late,” said Amy McCombs, president and general manager of KRON-TV in San Francisco.

McCombs, 45, and her husband, Frederick P. Currier, a political pollster in Detroit, have maintained a commuter marriage for more than three years. A secret to their success, McCombs said, is that Currier, 68, has the flexibility to spend days or weeks at a time in San Francisco.

The frequent separations, however, make it necessary to organize calendars well in advance and to communicate better. And employers must be aware that, even though the employee might be willing to work long hours during the week, he or she won’t always be around for company events on weekends.

Most important, McCombs said, is that “it has to be a mutual decision. You have to support your spouse. There can be no resentment, or anger builds up.”

A decade ago, it usually happened that a woman would quit her job, move with her husband to a new city, then look for a new position for herself.

“Now the trend is not to quit and perhaps for the interim to do a commute,” said Marjorie Shorrock, president of Resource Careers, a Cleveland firm that helps the spouses of transferred employees find jobs.

However, she added: “There’s still a little bit of surprise on the part of employers” when a woman chooses not to follow her husband.

(Usually, any job-search assistance is provided only for a spouse, but Greg Brewer, editor of Runzheimer Reports on Relocation, notes that some Northeast and West Coast companies extend the help to “partners” or “significant others.”)

Shorrock found herself in a commuter marriage for 18 months when a contract forced her to move to Washington, D.C. Although some friends and colleagues were appalled, she said, her initial reaction was: “How modern.

“I was sort of excited . . . about going off on my own,” she said. But the separation got old. “You really miss that day-to-day occurrence. Seeing each other just on weekends and vacations, it’s hard to establish that closeness.”

Bill McKiernan, 34, said the time he spends away from his wife “makes you appreciate the time you have together. I probably wouldn’t do this if I didn’t feel that it was good for my career. But you get to a point where the trade-off is not worth it.”

Since they hope one day to have children, McKiernan noted: “Obviously, something is going to have to give somewhere.”