Time to Give Dick Hill One for Book

One month into the 1991 season and--can you believe it?--there are no lawsuits, no major rule changes, no controversial transfers to speak of.

Guess that means we have to talk football.

In no particular order, we have . . .

Dick Hill. For God’s sake, someone give the guy a break. The Santa Ana coach is 0-4 this season, and--surely you’ve got this memorized by now--needs just one more victory to become the county’s all-time winningest coach.

On deck Friday night is Capistrano Valley. Face it, Cougars, this isn’t your year. Why don’t you just play nice and give the guy his due so we can get on with the season?

Eric Patton. The Oh-So-Patient Patton has seen his Capo Valley Cougars turn from champs to chumps in a couple of months. He has had to deal with a tepid offensive line, a defenseless defense and an inconsistent quarterback who doubles as a son.

That would be Scott Patton, a converted running back who has had eight passes intercepted in four games. At the Patton household, dinner conversation must go something like this:

Scott: More chicken, coach--I mean dad?

Eric: Sure, son. And would you pass--Wait! Check that!--I mean hand off the potatoes please?

To their credit, the Cougars (1-3) have played a tough schedule. But Patton isn’t taking any chances with his staff’s morale.

“We’ve removed all the straight-edged razors from the coaches’ locker room,” Patton says wearily. “All the belts and shoelaces are gone, too.”

Mike Marrujo. True to his outrageous nature, the Valencia coach had this to say after his 100th career victory Friday night:

“Yahoo! Yippee! What an awesome stud I am! Bring on my cake! Break out that Dom Perignon! And yes--I’m going to Disneyland!”

OK, so that’s wishful thinking on our part. Here’s what Mr. Downplay really had to say:

“Honestly, I haven’t thought about this 100th win stuff. All it means is that I’ve been coaching a while and I’ve been at the same high school for a long time.”

Zzzzzzzzzz.

Mater Dei vs. Mission Viejo. The county’s No. 3 takes on No. 1 Thursday night at Santa Ana Stadium. Can you say crunch time? Mater Dei Athletic Director Gary McKnight said he expects a sellout of 10,000.

“Last time we had a game this big,” McKnight said, “was against Servite when they had (Steve) Beuerlein,” at quarterback in the early ‘80s.

Last year, this game featured The Showdown of Controversial Transfers--Mater Dei’s Derek Sparks versus Mission’s Marcellus Chrishon.

This year, it’s just an air show: Mater Dei’s Billy Blanton versus Mission Viejo’s Payson LeMeilleur, ranked second and third, respectively, in the county’s quarterback ratings.

Travis Balding. Let’s make it clear: This Edison running back doesn’t have so much as a receding hairline.

Mister Albritton. No need to apologize--everyone wants to know how the Loara quarterback got his first name. Here’s the story:

His mother, Pam, is white; his father, Roy, is black. Because of this, the Albrittons say their marriage faced certain prejudice, especially where Mister was born and raised, in Jacksonville, Fla.

“Coming from a mixed marriage 18 years ago in the South, well, it was looked down upon,” Pam Albritton said. “So his father named him ‘Mister’ because he wanted to be sure he would always get respect.”

“My choice would have been something like ‘Brian.’ ”

Mike Milner. The honeymoon’s over in El Toro-ville. The new Charger coach isn’t sporting quite the same glow he did after his team’s season-opening trouncing of Trabuco Hills.

Of course, facing the nation’s top-ranked high school team--Rialto Eisenhower, which defeated the Chargers, 20-9, Friday--can’t be much of a relaxing experience.

Hang in there, Mike. The Mission Viejo game is right around the corner.

Jeff Byrd, Aaron Meschuk and Jacob Cuccia. Together, Byrd (from Rancho Alamitos) and Meschuk and Cuccia (Whittier Christian) make up the top three this week in the county’s rushing and scoring lists.

Question: Aren’t they also from schools that rank among the leaders in running up the score?

The Fence Post Trophy. University, Irvine and Woodbridge fight it out each year to claim bragging rights to the city as well as temporary ownership of this horrid-looking, termite-ridden, dirty piece of wood.

It looks like something the cat dragged in--if your cat has a taste for the disgusting.

OK, so that’s a nice way of describing it, but you get the picture.

Anyway, Irvine clinched the trophy with its 24-7 victory over Woodbridge Friday. Congratulations, Vaqueros.

Now bury that thing until next year.