Dog Stories: All Bark and No Bite for Intelligent Man

In writing recently that I doubted those stories about dogs saving their masters and families from danger, I expected to hear from many dog lovers.

“A lot of dog lore is mythology,” I said. “I’ve never believed any of those stories about a dog running to warn his master about a burning barn. In that kind of emergency dogs are almost as stupid as horses.”

I didn’t mean to suggest that I don’t love dogs and horses. It’s just that I see no reason to attribute human intelligence to dogs, horses, or any other domesticated animal, and especially not cats. After all, they are all dumb brutes.

As for horses, they have been made into heroes in innumerable movies. We have all seen the one where the horse sees a fire starting in the barn and runs to the front door of the house, pawing at the door to arouse the household.

It is a well-established fact that a horse, seeing a barn on fire, is far more likely to run into the barn than to the house. In any case, it would certainly not occur to him to sound an alarm, although he might begin neighing out of sheer terror.

Seeing a fire, a dog very likely would commence barking, not consciously intending to arouse the family, but simply because when dogs are frightened or agitated they bark. Happily, this may often serve as an alarm.

That cats have a sense of responsibility and would be likely to sound an alarm in an emergency is obviously absurd to anyone who has ever owned a cat. Cats are interested only in No. 1, and at the first sign of danger will absent themselves from the scene at lickety-split speed.

“I was very disturbed,” writes Angela Masluk of Long Beach, “by the apparent belief you have that laziness, complacency and standoffishness demonstrate intelligence.”

I don’t remember saying that, but it is my conviction that it is their intelligence that makes cats selfish, lazy and complacent. They know they will be fed and petted whether they perform any work or not, which is more than can be said for horses and mules.

“Conversely,” Masluk goes on, “energy, determination and amiability are equated with stupidity. I sincerely hope that these were not the kinds of wisdom you imparted to your children. Unless, of course, it was your purpose to encourage them to spend a life of intentional leisure while proudly presenting welfare checks to their families.”

On the contrary, if I taught my children anything it was that work is man’s reason for being. They are both hard workers to this day, which is more than I can say for our five cats.

Joan Beauregard of Pomona writes that her collie, Trudy, ran several times between her corral and her back door, exhibiting great excitement. Beauregard finally followed Trudy to the corral and found her sister-in-law on the ground with a broken ankle. Her horse, Trigger, which had kicked her, stool stolidly nearby.

There is much anecdotal evidence, of course, that dogs in the presence of a serious accident to a human being will exhibit consternation, but this can hardly be attributed to a superior intelligence. The dog is simply expressing its own anxiety.

In Beauregard’s story, the horse is acting exactly according to his nature. He is unaware that his mistress is hurt; since he senses no danger to himself, he is not alarmed. He is simply being, as we might expect, quite stupid.

I might well be asked what I think a cat would do in such circumstances. One cannot be sure what a cat will do in any circumstances, of course, but I suspect the cat would merely go about its business, catching mice in the barn or begging at the back door for a handout.

I hope it will not be thought that I am insensitive to animals. I love all animals, except snakes, buzzards, cockroaches and Gila monsters. Of course I know that snakes and buzzards play essential roles in the Earth’s ecology, but I don’t know what Gila monsters are good for. (I once thought the wart hog was one of God’s mistakes, but I have since been enlightened. Camron Cooper of the Greater Los Angeles Zoo Assn. has assured me that they are courageous, efficient, determined, family-oriented and nearly indomitable.)

No harm will be done, of course, if we do attribute a human intelligence to our pets. It may please us to imagine that our dog is smarter than our Uncle Elbert. On the other hand, the dog, for example, has so many virtues--courage, loyalty, patience--that there is no point in believing that he has an IQ of 130.

If he did, he wouldn’t be content to be a dog.