The Game, in a Few Nutshells

Rose Bowl facts and figures, as a public service for those who need to know:

Name: The Rose Bowl (the game, not the stadium).

Place: The Rose Bowl (the stadium, not the game).

Game: 78th.

Nickname: “Granddaddy of Them All.” (Sexist, but women pretty much confined to floats.)

Day: New Year’s.

Time: Day.

Crowd: Hung over.

Stadium: The Rose Bowl, America’s most underused stadium. Field used for UCLA football and occasional soccer. Otherwise, they sprinkle and mow grass a lot.

TV: Naturally. They pay for it.

Teams: Washington, champion of the Pacific 10, which alternates as champion with USC while alumni of other eight schools enjoy game from comfort of own homes. Michigan, champion of the Big Ten, which used to alternate as champion with Ohio State but now alternates with Iowa and eventually will alternate with Penn State.

School mascots: Snarling mammals.

School colors: Michigan, blue and maize. Washington, marichal and mantle.

School songs: Michigan, “Hail to the Victors.” Washington, “Singin’ in the Rain.”

Coaches: Don James, who has been coaching Washington now for most of the 20th Century, and Gary Moeller, who has won one or two thousand fewer football games than Bo Schembechler but has won only one or two fewer Rose Bowls.

Top players: For Washington, Outland Trophy-winning defensive tackle Steve Emtman, who probably will soon become a Los Angeles Ram (the poor kid); for Michigan, Heisman Trophy-winning wide receiver Desmond Howard, who probably will soon become an Indianapolis Colt (the poorer kid).

Quarterbacks: For Washington, Billy Joe Hobert, no relation to Billy Joe Tolliver or Bobby Hebert; for Michigan, Elvis Grbac, no relation to Elvis Presley or Eli Grba.

Others to watch: For Washington, receiver Mario Bailey, who caught more passes than the pass-catcher who won the Heisman Trophy; for Michigan, 322-pound offensive tackle Greg Skrepenak, who will be knocked down at the conclusion of the season and replaced with a condominium.

Possible confusion: When marching band on field forms giant “W” or “M,” spectators on opposite sides still won’t be sure which school’s band is on field.

Local angle: Beno Bryant, running back for Washington, attended Dorsey High School, Los Angeles’ 1991 City 4-A champion; Desmond Howard, aforementioned receiver for Michigan, is nicknamed, “Magic.”

How visitors were entertained while in California: Heavy unseasonal downpour provided to make Washington players feel at home; very funny “Goofy” and “Mickey Mouse” hats handed out at Disneyland to Michigan players accustomed to wearing equally funny helmets.

Celebrities visitors wanted most to meet: Washington’s players wanted to see Jay Leno, but Johnny Carson was filling in for him; Michigan’s Grbac was introduced to Vanna White, who advised him to buy a vowel.

Halftime show: Washington cheerleaders to offer special tribute to Bo Schembechler, throwing their caps, screaming at referees and getting feet tangled in headset cables.

Rose king: None. (More sexism.)

Rose queen: Tannis Ann Turrentine.

Previous queens: Isabella, Elizabeth, Mary, rock group from ‘70s, Ellery, Steve Mc.

Previous Rose: Pete.

Tournament of Roses Parade route: You’ll find it. It will be the only road in Southern California where cars are actually moving.

Floats to watch: Lincoln Savings & Loan float. Charles Keating to pass out tissue along parade route. Sacramento Kings float. Often gets lost on road. Commonwealth of Independent States float. Cardboard cutout of Mikhail Gorbachev handing briefcase to cardboard Boris Yeltsin. National Lampoon float. Be looking for Bluto Blutarsky in pirate costume. Philadelphia 76ers float, featuring Charles Barkley. Spectators cautioned to stand back. Democratic Party float. Moving forward, but nobody to ride in front.

Floats that usually finish last: Northwestern’s, Oregon State’s.

Corporate sponsor of Rose Bowl: Not a petroleum company, a juice company, an insurance company, a video store or an outdoor amusement park with giant whales and flying fish. Just the Rose Bowl.

Last year’s result: Washington 46, Iowa 34.

This year’s result: No prediction, but if Washington scores 46 again, it could win. (Michigan has held most of its opponents this season under 50 points.)

Next year’s result: Depends if Big Ten champion pulls a surprise and jumps to the legendary Blockbuster Bowl, a college football tradition for more than a 50th of a century.

Time-honored Rose Bowl tradition: Notre Dame still not involved.