He Talks a Great Match

Greg Patton is nervous. That’s all you need to know.

Patton, as you know, can take it from there.

“We’re on the bubble,” Patton says, “and we’re afraid to breathe. And it’s a champagne bubble, too. You know how champagne bubbles are. They’re thin and they make you giddy and if they pop, you’re left on the side of the road with your pants down and you’re getting asked questions by the police.”

Translation: Patton’s UC Irvine men’s tennis team is 11-11, ranked 24th in the nation with two matches left and only 20 teams get invited to the NCAA tournament.

“I feel like I’m in the Lawrence Welk band,” Patton says. “Or I think, maybe, I’m Zsa Zsa Galore, dancing in Las Vegas, and all I’ve got covering me are these bubble-bath bubbles and they’re disappearing fast. . . .

“We play UCLA on Friday. They’re seventh in the nation. We’re just gonna be a bunch of hungry dogs, nipping at their heels. We’re gonna be mad dogs from England. Then we fly to Texas and play them on Sunday. Texas is ranked 21st in the country. So there’s some gold out there for the taking, but we’re going to have to stick our hand in the oven to get it.”

Translation: Irvine needs to beat UCLA or Texas or both or the NCAA tournament will be Anteater-less for the second year in a row.

“Our match with Texas is humongous,” Patton says. “If we beat UCLA, we’re looking good. In fact, we’re looking better than Tom Cruise. But if we beat UCLA and lose to Texas, we could be in trouble, because there’s 10 schools fighting for four (playoff) spots and we lost to three of them--Duke, Miami and Texas A&M--so; those three have pretty good shots.

“That leaves one spot open and you have Clemson and we beat them and you have South Alabama and they don’t play that tough a schedule and then you have Tennessee, Mississippi and Minnesota and we’ve played a tougher schedule than they have. That’s where Texas comes in.

“When I scheduled that match against Texas, in all my ultimate wisdom and delirium, I never realized it could be to decide the last NCAA spot. It’s going to be huge. But, at least we’re standing in line. The guy at the door’s already bounced 30 or 40 people and we’re standing next to guys with Mohawks and earrings and the bouncer’s telling us, ‘OK, Texas and Irvine, battle it out to see who gets inside.’ ”

Translation: The match with Texas will be humongous.

“This is exciting,” Patton says. “This is what it’s all about. It’s like taking your girlfriend out to dinner and there’s wine and candles and you’ve got a ring you’re gonna give her. It means something. It’s not like going to McDonald’s, know what I mean? It’s not like going to Chuck E Cheese. It’s going to be a wild one and I love that. They’re throwing us in the middle of the bull ring and they’re letting all the bulls out. That’s a lot more fun that standing on the sidelines.”

Translator needs to pour himself a cold drink.

If only Patton could talk his way into the tournament. Change the rules and Irvine rules. The Anteaters would be the best in the country, now and forever, No. 1 with a bullet.

Instead, they have to play the game just like everybody else--serving, volleying, lobbing and letting their coach, a sort of Dick Vitale with better hair, make nonsense of it all.

“We’re young,” Patton says. “We’re so young, when we go to restaurants, we have to order highchairs for the team. . . . We go on road trips and they think we’re a high school team. The college girls won’t even look at our guys. I kid Brett Hansen-Dent, ‘Hey, Brett, I think that girl’s interested in you. She’s 13 years old.’ ”

Hansen-Dent, Patton’s No. 1 singles player, “looks like an angel. He’s so sweet, he’s so gentle. I really admire what he’s done this year.”

What he’s done is win the Big West Conference singles championship as a sophomore and raise his record to 18-13 after some major early-season poundings while growing up against the other top seeds in the Top 25.

“He’s had a rough year,” Patton says. “One day, he’s playing the Predator. The next day, it’s the Terminator. The next day, it’s Rambo. They just keep coming. They knocked Brett down but he kept getting back up. Now, he’s a better player for it. The scars have healed.”

Patton’s had a rough year, too. Give him a veteran, senior-laden team and Patton can coach to his personality--kind of a goofy older brother to his players. But give him two freshmen, two sophomores and two juniors--the current mix--and Patton has been forced to play disciplinarian.

“I feel like Attila the Hun,” Patton says.

A coach’s trials and tribulations: One player missed a match because he was at the movies. Another missed a personal workout with Patton because he went to Mexico for the day and got stuck in border traffic. Another arrived late for a match because it was raining where he was and if it was raining there, it had to be raining where Patton was, and if it was raining where Patton was . . .

Patton suspended them all, doling out sentences of one to four matches apiece.

“This year, I’ve been like the headmaster at a boys’ school,” Patton says. “And the thing is, I’m not a tough guy. I’m pretty mellow when it comes to discipline. But when you have young kids who need self-discipline to succeed and they aren’t showing they have it, someone has to provide it.”

Maturity broke out all over the courts at Ojai last weekend, with Irvine upsetting Fresno State to win the Big West championship, which, to Patton, “validates everything I had to do to them this year.”

And now, everything comes down to matches at UCLA and at Texas.

“Against UCLA, we’d better wake up on the right side of the bed and eat a good breakfast,” Patton says. “You know, we’re driving alongside their car, and it’s a BMW, and we’re driving a VW Bug with a torn canvas roof and we’re hoping some girls give us a wink.

“We don’t have much of a chance, but sometimes, the wind blows your hair just the right way, you know, and the girl looks at you and says, ‘I don’t care about the materialism in the world.’ ”

Translation: The NCAA will be checking out the Anteaters this weekend and the wind is blowing. It may not be blowing just the right way, but whenever Patton’s around, it’ll always be blowing.