Blending Families : A Ventura marriage counselor remembers his own personal stepfather experiences.

Anticipating Father’s Day this Sunday, a stepfather I know described his role as a fundamentally thankless one. And he thought Damocles fared better under that sword suspended by a single hair. But blended families are here to stay. The latest U.S. Census Bureau figures reveal that one in five two-partner families is headed by a stepfather.

So it seemed appropriate to talk with a man who has been in the trenches. Lynn Weeks, 55, a Ventura marriage, family and child counselor, specializes in relationship issues from the male perspective. And he is an active proponent of the growing men’s movement. He began his career as a police officer 30 years ago, worked as a parole officer for 21 years, then earned his master’s degree in counseling and opened his practice a year and a half ago.

But Weeks’ expertise with blended families comes from more than professional contact. “I think I’ve seen it from every angle possible,” he said. At age 10 and again at age 40 he gained a new stepfather when his mother remarried. And his own father, who also remarried, died when Weeks was 41, leaving him with a stepmother.

“Basically I liked the woman,” Weeks said. “But after my father died, it seemed there was no basis for a relationship. We had a little bit of contact and then drifted apart.”

This is a problem, Weeks said, common to many members of blended families, because so many people come in and out of each other’s lives. “We are related to them by law--but these relationships are all transitory.” Alluding to his own stepbrothers and stepsisters he admitted, “I don’t even know anything about them anymore.”

Weeks’ own on-the-job training as a stepfather started 11 years ago. As the result of a third marriage for both partners, he inherited two stepdaughters, Karen, 14, and her sister Shula, 11.

“There was a lot of turmoil in the house then,” recalled Weeks. Now that the girls are grown and independent, Weeks said, they enjoy a better relationship.

“What I brought into this marriage was a strong need for a close family,” he said. “I wanted it to be like the Brady Bunch. And I can’t tell you how often my clients talk to me about the Brady Bunch and myth of how it should be.”

If the child is old enough to recognize you as an intruder, you can expect some conflict, said Weeks. Even adult children who have already left home often give older parents who remarry a hard time.

On one hand, Weeks believes that deep down most adult children are glad when a parent remarries because they want that parent to be happy. And it relieves the child of some responsibility, both emotionally and practically.

Often adult children distrust the motives of the new stepparent or they fear their own inheritance will be affected. If there are grandchildren, it gets more complicated.

If adult stepchildren seem distant, Weeks advised not to try too hard at first. “Let them get used to the idea that Mom or Dad has remarried. Give them a chance to get to know each other.” If the antagonism is too much to handle or continues too long, professional help may be necessary--assuming everyone is willing to participate.

When seniors remarry, often at least one of the partners is widowed. This can cause a whole other set of problems for members of the new blended family. If a child has not properly grieved the parental death, Weeks warned, he or she may see remarriage as a betrayal of the deceased parent. These reactions are understandable. But it doesn’t mean that the parents have to agree with their children’s opinions he said, but should acknowledge those feelings.

Everyone has the right to make a new life. But when remarriage is concerned, partners should accept that some family members may never establish close ties. There should be realistic expectations.

“The new couple needs to have good communication to maintain their love and commitment in the face of these pressures,” said Weeks. “The parent needs to acknowledge that the children are grown, with their own lives and not apologize or justify the choice of a new partner and the wish to start a new life.”

FREE HEARING TESTS: A licensed hearing aid professional will be at the Simi Valley Senior Center, 3900 Avenida Simi, today 9 a.m. to noon, to perform free hearing tests and to clean and check hearing aids. For an appointment call 526- 9237.

LIFE WRITING CLASS: Adults 50 and older can explore their past while creating a legacy for family members by participating in an eight-week life writing class at the Goebel Senior Adult Center, 1385 E. Janss Road, Thousand Oaks Wednesdays 2 to 4 p.m. beginning June 24. The course fee is $32 per person. To register call 497-1639.