If It’s the Thought That Counts, Then Think About the Recipient

E ach year, entire sub-continents are defoliated to provide enough paper for the dozens of holiday catalogues that get stuffed into your mailbox . Each offers a breathtaking array of goodies, all guaranteed (by the manufacturer) to whip your loved one into a frenzy of Yuletide gratitude.

So why do we keep blowing it? Why do we keep coming up with the gift that turns his or her face to granite? And how can we redeem ourselves this year?

HE: Here’s the drill on buying for guys: No ties. No socks. No designer underwear. No desktop puzzle blocks that make you crazy and get you fired for wasting time. No knickknacks or cute figurines. No stuffed anything (except little Tasmanian devils; those are cool). No chichi booze, like Amaretto (try Jameson’s 12-year-old). Nothing that requires assembly. Nothing that requires effort to figure out. Nothing, in short, that makes us look stupid, like a red nightshirt with Stud Muffin on it.

Avoid these, ladies, and we’ll build shrines to you in remote European villages and strip-mine your name into quarries in Wyoming.

SHE: And here’s the drill on buying for women: No cheap perfume. No Electric Brooms. No pots. No pans. No car mats. No tires. No magazine subscriptions. Not even one jar of herbs de Provence. No faux diamonds (unless we’ve told you they’re OK). No crossword puzzle books. No picture frames, unless there’s a special photograph inside. No crock pots. No food baskets. And certainly no skirts that are too small, blouses that are too big or dresses that are too tight.

Avoid these, gentlemen, and we’ll fix you Southern-fried chicken every Sunday, rub your back every Monday and force you to take an annual, all-male fishing trip.

HE: I’ve received a further tip, a unisex one this time: no gift certificates. This comes from a female pal, and I can affirm that it gets a pretty chilly reception from men too. It bespeaks a lack of imagination in the giver and a want of feeling about the givee. Why didn’t he know enough to get her that tan cashmere sweater, the one she crushes to her face and moans about every time she passes it in the store? And why can’t she figure out that he doesn’t want silk handkerchiefs when there are still massive cordless power drills left in the world?

SHE: I guess most of us secretly long for gifts that tell us the gift-giver cares about what we like, not what he or she likes. One of the most special gifts I ever received for Christmas came from my daughter, Michelle. Knowing I love music, and knowing I am a walkaholic, she bought me a Sony-earphone type of radio that has kept me company on my morning strolls for four years. That gift told me she cared enough to plan ahead, not to opt for some last-minute thingamajig on a drugstore counter.

OK, tell me what you wish you’d get for the holidays.

HE: What I always wish for: a Ferrari Testarossa and lots of insurance. But I’ll gladly settle for kitchen stuff--a nice copper saute pan, say--or anything to do with golf. Maybe a couple of boxes of Titlists or a new set of club head covers. Incidentally, golf is one arena where gift certificates are absolutely welcome, providing they’re good for a round at someplace like Pebble Beach. Books and compact discs are always a hit with me too.

There’s a pattern here. If you know a person well enough to know their personal passions, that can focus your gift-giving field. Unless the consuming passion happens to be, oh, cat burglary or savage military despotism.

SHE: I get it. You’re afraid to ask what I’d like from a guy, terrified that it will be some sky-high expensive list of baubles, bangles and beads.

Truth is, I’d love to receive a small book of poetry with an inscription like: “See Page 16: That’s the way I feel about you.” Or an album filled with pictures of “us” with fun and loving inscriptions.

I’d also be thrilled to receive a date package: a romantic getaway weekend spelled out on a beautiful holiday card. Women want gifts that spell L-O-V-E. Sometimes it may be a sparkling bauble--and it had better be inscribed!--but it doesn’t always have to be.

HE: You’re right. A lot of guys are petrified of at least two things when it comes to giving gifts to the women in their lives: that if the gift is sentimental it’ll be seen as going against type and she’ll laugh at such gooey mawkishness, or that if he takes the sentimental-but-inexpensive route she’ll give him that look that says “cheapskate.”

Guys aren’t stupid, and far from blind. We know that a gift that expresses love in a highly personal way is a good bet. We just fret over how it will be received.

Also, we’re just as susceptible to Madison Avenue (read: De Beers, Blackglama, Royal Caribbean) as anyone.

SHE: Choose a girlfriend who’s right for you and you’ll never have to worry about how your gift is received.

If you like a women who mainlines glitz, you’d better be prepared to give her some for Christmas. If you like a woman with a bent for the spiritual, the romantic, you know she’ll be satisfied with something simple and personal.

Successful gift-giving begins with a careful choice of who shall receive.