It’s a Nail-Biter of a Day for Brown

THE COLLEGES

Brown has done its part. The Bruins (0-10) pulled off a winless season last Saturday, and now, like a golfer who completes the final round early, they must nervously wait in the tent for the University of Texas at El Grounded Paso to finish before they can claim the Bottom Ten title.

No. 2 UTEP (1-9), which today has to play Fresno State (7-4), must give up at least 80 points to win the title, according to the Bottom Ten Official Glitch* Computer Ratings system. Which is by no means out of the question for UTEP.

One thing that did seem impossible was that Ohio State’s John Cooper would break his four-game losing streak against traditional rival Michigan. But he did, and afterward, Ohio State President Gordon Gee called the result “one of our greatest wins ever.” Gee’s statement sparked calls for a recount of the final score, seeing as how the scoreboard read 13-13 when the final gun sounded.

And, finally, No. 18 New Mexico was punched out, 10-14, by Earle Bruce’s Colorado State troops.

*A promotional fee has been paid to the Bottom Ten by Glitch Computers.

The rankings:

School, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Brown (0-10) 28-34, Columbia --- 2. UTEP (1-9) 14-35, New Mexico Fresno State 3. Duke (2-9) 28-31, North Carolina --- 4. Tulane (2-9) 12-24, LSU --- 5. Arkansas (3-7-1) Def. LSU, 30-6 --- 6. Pitt (3-8) 13-57, Penn State --- 7. Cal (4-7) 21-41, Stanford --- 8. USC (0-9)* 20-24, Notre Dame(‘91) Notre Dame 9. Clemson (5-6) 13-24, S. Carolina --- 10. LSU (2-9) Arkansas, 6-30 ---

11. Morgan State (2-9) (forfeited last game when players threatened a demonstration against their coach); 12. Minnesota (2-9); 13. AP poll (Texas A&M;, ranked No. 4, lost ground in the poll despite remaining undefeated at 11-0 with a 37-10 victory over TCU); 14.-17. Pentagon (Army, Navy, Air Force, Virginia Military Institute) (15-27); 18. New Mexico (3-8); 19. Gone fishing; 20. (Tied, with itself) Michigan (8-0-3).

*USC record in last nine games against Notre Dame.

Dishonorable mention: New Mexico State, picked as the worst Division I team in preseason Sports Illustrated article, finished 6-5.

THE PROS

“I can’t think of any adjective to describe how poorly our offense played,” said Cincinnati Coach David Shula after that unit’s 95-yard performance in a 13-19 defeat. To help out Shula, the Bottom Ten polled its selectors and found that inept received 211 votes, followed by futile, 61; pitiful, 17, and small children should be shielded by parents when Boomer Esiason fades back to pass, 1.

Elsewhere, the New Jersey Jets have sunk so low that Coach Bruce Coslet indicated he’s going back to fundamentals--real fundamentals. “I’m disappointed in the way they came out of the locker room,” he said. Remember, guys: Left foot, right foot, left foot . . .

Meanwhile, after a 14-41 thrashing at Buffalo, Mylanta (4-7) Coach Jerry Glanville boasted: “I’ve had my butt kicked in half a dozen cities. Might as well add this one.” No doubt, Falcons’ fans are looking forward to more cities joining Glanville’s list.

Amid all the screaming and moaning and whining, one losing coach was quiet, ominously quiet: the Dancing Bears’ Mike Ditka.

The rankings:

FLOP CONFERENCE

*

Team, 1992 Record, Pct. 1991 Pct. Difference 1. Detroit (3-9,.273) .750 .477 2. Washington (6-5,.545) .875 .330 3. Chicago (4-7,.364) .688 .324 4. Atlanta (4-7,.364) .625 .261 5. New England (2-9,.182) .375 .193

DITKA: THE EARLY BLOWUPS*

1. When his brother dropped a fly ball in center field in a Pony League game, Ditka--the pitcher--threw down his glove and chased him over the outfield fence and all the way home.

2. When Ditka himself dropped a fly ball in a summer semipro game, he was so enraged by heckling from spectators behind home plate that he ran in from center field and emptied out the stands.

3. When a teammate jumped offside during a Pitt football game, Ditka knocked him cold as he was returning to the huddle.

4. When he and Cowboy teammate Dan Reeves played racquetball, Reeves recalled: “Mike broke several racquets. Threw several racquets over the building.”

5. When two other players put a dead rabbit under his pillow on a hunting trip, Ditka--then with Dallas--screamed, stormed out, killed a coyote “and hung it over their beds. Scared the . . . out of them.”

*From “Ditka, Monster of the Midway,” by Armen Keteyian.

20th-Century Nostradamus? In his novel, “The Sum of All Fears,” published before the season began, Tom Clancy has two surprise contenders in the Super Bowl: the Minnesota Vikings and San Diego Chargers.