Beyond the Birds and Bees : Family: Parents know it has never been more vital to talk with their kids about sex. But many don’t know how to start. The experts’ advice: Create an open atmosphere and forget the notion of one long, solemn conversation.
It’s 3 p.m., and the students at Willard Intermediate School in Santa Ana are filing out the metal doors, headed for homework, TV, naps or extracurricular activities.
*
As they bolt out, a few solemn-looking parents step inside the school looking for, uh, er, well, the place where the, uh, sex education class will be taught.
Some of the adults appear as pleased as if they are coming for a root canal.
But they’re here for a good reason. Many worry about what else their children are doing after school. And they want to know how they can talk to their kids, openly and effectively, about sex.
In the ‘90s, parents’ responsibility to talk to their children about sexuality has been given the highest priority. Statistics on sexually transmitted diseases, teen-age pregnancy and sexual abuse indicate such communication is desperately needed. And studies show that open communication does some good--to some degree.
Still, the baby-boom parents are the first generation to try to create a sweeping tradition of freely discussing sex with their kids.
It isn’t easy.
Janet, 37, says she keeps postponing talking to her 13-year-old daughter. “I kept waiting for the right time,” says Janet, who spoke on the condition that she not be further identified. “But I am just too afraid to bring it up. I’m not sure what to say.”
In her silence, she is like three-quarters of American parents, says Maria Juliani, a health expert who counsels families in the Division of Adolescent Medicine at Childrens Hospital of Los Angeles.
“I think parents and children are more aware of the need to communicate about sexuality,” Juliani says. “There are significant risks out there: HIV and the other sexually transmitted diseases, as well as sexual abuse and acquaintance rape. The awareness that these things are happening has brought to light that there is a responsibility to protect kids against these dangers.
“As to whether parents are doing a better job, I don’t have a sense that they are,” she says, adding, “I do think more people are trying.”
These are the facts that face today’s parents:
* In 1990, 53% of 15- to 17-year-old girls reported being sexually active, while a 1988 study of 15-year-old boys and girls reported 32% of boys and 27% of girls had had sex;
* More than 1 million babies are born to adolescent mothers annually;
* 2.5 million teens are infected with a sexually transmitted disease each year; that’s one-fifth of the nation’s STD cases.
“The time has passed when we can let our discomfort stand in the way of talking about sexuality,” Juliani notes.
Kids also feel an urgency to turn to their parents with questions. Studies overwhelmingly show that kids view their parents as their most important source of information--even though fewer than half of adolescents report talking to their parents.
“I think there is a real longing to turn to parents, who know them very well, to help them make decisions to make safe choices,” Juliani says. “There is so much pressure on kids to have sex. I think parents can help them build skills to deal with that pressure.”
So where does a parent begin?
Experts agree that the central lesson is to create a good atmosphere to talk about anything.
“The most important message is that nothing a child does will be made worse by talking to the parent about it,” says Sol Gordon, co-author of the book “Raising Your Child Conservatively in a Sexually Permissive World” (Fireside).
“There is no way of dealing with sexuality unless the parent has created the atmosphere of love and caring. Unless that atmosphere is there, nothing works. The child will lie.”
But what parents often do is create a negative atmosphere by becoming angry, judgmental, uncomfortable, embarrassed or fearful.
“Very often we are close-mouthed, uncomfortable and make it difficult for kids to broach the topic,” says Judith Pratt, chief of the health education section for the state’s Office of Family Planning. “The child often takes the initiative and asks questions. But they have to feel they won’t get jumped on if they ask the questions.”
Pratt’s office recently launched the ENABL program (Education Now and Babies Later), which teaches 12- to 14-year-olds techniques to postpone sexual involvement and offers parents like those in Santa Ana a class on how to talk to their kids. To prepare for launching the program, educators asked kids what they wanted.
They wanted “a mixture of directness and the opportunity to talk,” says Pratt. “They welcomed it. They, in many ways, are much more open than parents.”
Adults whose own parents never discussed sex may be embarrassed. But embarrassment is a sure-fire way to cut off communication, experts warn.
“If you are embarrassed, the teen is going to pick that up right away and the teen will think, ‘This is not OK to talk about this,’ ” says Vicki Karlan, coordinator of health education for the Culver City Youth Health Center.
Some parents don’t want their children to learn about sex until they reach a particular age. But you’d have to live on the moon to shelter your children from sexual messages, experts say.
“If your child is talking to friends, going to movies or watching TV, your child is already getting sex education,” Pratt says. “Your challenge is to help them process the information they’re getting.”
But in the process, some parents fear talking to their kids because they are afraid of saying the wrong things. Although what you say matters, it’s more important to simply make it known that you are receptive to questions, says Lisa Fries Anderson, of the Los Angeles Regional Family Planning Council.
Parents can obtain books, attend classes or call family planning clinics for information. Many videos are available. School counselors or nurses are also good sources.
One of the most difficult issues for parents is when problems or discomfort about their own sexuality interfere with their ability to talk to their children.
“The parent needs to explore what is making them uncomfortable and work through that,” Juliani says. “Kids may interpret that ‘There is something wrong with my body. Mom is being judgmental.’ Hang-ups about sexuality can be passed from generation to generation.”
Other parents resist because they fear that talking to their kids would influence the child to experiment.
But some researchers suggest that open communication has little effect on whether the child engages in sex. According to one recent study, just discussing the topic did not influence the child’s decision. But other surveys have found that talking to kids can delay activity and help transmit important attitudes.
However, talking about sex did result in a greater likelihood of a youth using birth control, says Melody A. Graham, a social psychologist at Mt. Mercy College in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, who surveyed 1,380 students in seventh and 12th grades. Also, adolescents who used their parents--as opposed to friends--as a primary source for problem-solving were less likely to be sexually active. Moreover, adolescents who thought their parents would be upset if they had intercourse were less likely to have sex.
When do you talk to your kids about sex? As early as you can, experts say.
“It starts the moment you bring them home from the hospital,” Pratt says. Or, to be more precise, when the baby discovers his or her genitals in the bathtub. How you react will give the child a sense of whether you are uptight or comfortable about sexuality, she says.
Parents often make the mistake of thinking that talking about sex entails sitting down for one long, solemn conversation.
“Where is it that we got this notion that teaching about sexuality can be done in one session?” says Pratt. “It should happen always, often and with every possible angle. There are hundreds of opportunities to discuss it.”
Often young children will break the ice by asking innocent questions, such as, “Where do babies come from?” This can be the start of an open-ended dialogue. But if your child doesn’t ask, then you have to bring the topic up, says Gordon.
“Parents also think you shouldn’t tell children before they ask. About one-third of all children are shy and won’t ask their parents anything. By age 5, if the child hasn’t asked the parents, the parent has to initiate the conversation. It doesn’t have to be a big, heavy talk. It’s using teachable moments to talk in a casual way: ‘So-and-so is pregnant. Do you understand why?’ ”
If your child resists your efforts to talk, don’t give up, Karlan says.
“We tell parents, ‘Give it some time and bring it up again.’ Even when students don’t want to talk, it’s meaningful to the child that the parent wants to talk about it,” Karlan says.
Finally, if you and your child have communication barriers you cannot overcome, encourage the child to talk to someone else, such as a teacher, school counselor, adult friend or relative or a doctor.
In the Division of Adolescent Medicine at Childrens Hospital, kids older than 12 spend a portion of their medical exam in private with the physician in case they want to discuss something out of their parents’ earshot.
“You don’t exclude the parent, but it helps the teen recognize they are growing up and things are changing,” Juliani says.
Teen Talk
Percentage of teen--agers who say they have talked with their parents about birth controland/or sex: Not sure: 1% Neither: 31% Sex but not birth control: 33% Sex and birth control: 35% Source: The Center for Population Options
