Irvine Man Plans to Leave ‘Em With a Smile--and a Hip

Although we’d all like to write our own eulogy, someone else always gets to do it. But Howard Launer may have gotten the last laugh with a four-line ad in The Times’ classified section that, for the low, low price of $40, says more about him than anything that will be said at his funeral.

The bad news is that Launer’s doctors have told him that his larynx cancer, first detected in May of 1991, may have returned. He kept his larynx then but subsequently had a plastic tube inserted into his windpipe to ease his breathing. Through it all, a chronically arthritic left hip was worsening, making walking almost impossible without a cane or walker.

Launer got an artificial hip four months ago, although he had to switch health plans to do it after his first HMO said he didn’t qualify. Getting the hip replacement was a major victory but, unfortunately, was followed shortly by the news about his cancer recurrence.

So what does a guy do in the face of such an assault?

Simple: Put your thumb on your nose and wiggle your fingers at the world. Hey, if you can’t beat ‘em, leave ‘em laughing.

At least that’s what Launer did. He took out the following ad in last Sunday’s Times:

“FOR SALE: Available soon, artificial left hip replacement, ’93 model, xlnt cnd., lo mileage. $8,600 new . . . Asking $10 obo.”

I went to see Launer, who is 71 and lives in Irvine with his 17-year-old son, thinking I might feel sorry for him.

As it turns out, I didn’t. He wouldn’t let me.

I asked him about the ad. Speaking huskily with the aid of the tube, he said, “I was going to add ‘terms available,’ but that would have cost me another line.”

He chuckled as he said it, of course. I asked if he placed the ad strictly for the humor.

“I was going to see what happened, and I thought a lot of people would enjoy reading it. Really, I thought I’ve got to stay humorous. I can’t let this get me down,” he said.

That isn’t to say that Launer, who made a lot of money as an auto parts salesman, laughs himself to sleep every night. Anyone who has had radiation treatment knows it just doesn’t work that way.

The battle for Launer, therefore, is over his spirit.

“The one thing I haven’t lost is my sense of humor. I love life if I can enjoy it the way I should be able to enjoy it, the way it’s meant to be enjoyed. If I can’t, I won’t settle for half,” he said.

For the most part, he said, he’s winning, although “I get disgusted when one of my heroes like Sam Malone on ‘Cheers’ ends up with Whoopi Goldberg. It breaks my heart. I think he can do a heck of a lot better. I don’t know what she’s got, but it must be something I don’t know about.”

In his hour of need now, Launer is trying to rely on his natural sense of the absurd instead of forcing himself to laugh. “As far as humor is concerned, truthfully, I find less and less of it because there’s not that much humor around when you’re sick. But I read a lot, and I haven’t sunk to watching soap operas,” he said.

His son helps keep his spirits up. “I sat here one day, and I swear my bottom lip was about one inch above the top of my shoes,” Launer said. “My son got so when he walked in the door, he would say, ‘Dad, smile,’ and I thought, ‘Uh-oh, I’m letting this get to me. I can’t do that.’ ”

Launer is raising his son, Howdy, alone. His ex-wife lives in South Carolina. He also has a daughter, who lives elsewhere.

Although he’s not conceding anything, Launer is also realistic about his long-term prospects.

“There are worse things than dying,” he said. “It’s living in pain, in uncertainty and in the pain you are causing loved ones. So if I can go with dignity and a laugh. . . . I’m always reminded that W.C. Fields put on his tombstone, ‘I’d rather be in Philadelphia.’ ”

Launer has told his son that if he were to get a tombstone, he’d want it to read: “A damn good judge of whiskey and a damn poor judge of women.”

Launer said he got about 40 responses to his ad. One caller wanted to know if a woman could use a man’s hip replacement. He shared hearty laughter with a man who said he should have the hip mounted and given to a friend. Another caller wanted to know how long Launer was going to live and wondered if he could make use of his bone marrow after he died.

Another man called and asked if the $10 sale price “included installation.” Launer said it did and told him he’d even throw in a free can of penetrating oil. Launer said the man then told him he was representing the “100 members of the Glendale Club of Hip Replacements, and we want to thank you for a good laugh.”

So who gets the hip?

Launer has decided to donate it to a science class. A teacher called and said she’d like to display it for her students. The prospect of being immortalized along with Tyrannosaurus rex was too much for Launer to pass up. “I’ll be right up there with the rest of the famous bones,” he said.

Only one caller didn’t appreciate the spirit of the ad.

“He was unhappy when I couldn’t tell him the size of the hip or what model it was,” Launer said. “Hell, I should have told him it was a V-6 with an automatic transmission.”

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.