But Is There a Healer in the House?

Wallace Matthews of Newsday has had it with the Mets. He said Bobby Bonilla, who was in Eric Davis’ vehicle when Vince Coleman tossed the exploding device in the Dodger Stadium parking lot, was taken by the Mets to a Manhattan bowling alley last week for a photo opportunity, but they didn’t let him talk about anything but bowling.

Said Matthews: “And they wonder why the franchise has become a joke and an embarrassment. A front office of weaklings protecting a team of losers, duds on the field but a blast in the parking lot. This is the only club in the majors with a team physician, a team psychiatrist and a squadron of spin doctors.”

Trivia time: Who is the only player whose team lost to the Dallas Mavericks twice last season?

He translates: In Madrid, 29-year-old Pablo Carabias is a partner in Quarterback, a store that sells American-made football helmets and jerseys.

Carabias said most of his customers really don’t know that much about football, but there is one exception: “They know Joe Montana because his name sounds good in Spanish.”

Right after “Coach”: NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue isn’t sure when pay-TV will tune in as a reality. “It may be like one of those West Texas mirages,” Tagliabue said. “You can see it out there, but it doesn’t get any closer.”

And the Bills quit: If nothing else, Houston Oiler defensive coordinator Buddy Ryan is confident, not to mention quick with a jibe. Said Ryan: “We’ll have an all-Texas Super Bowl . . . if Dallas can repeat.”

So is a BB: Former Dolphin running back Mercury Morris attended his first Florida Marlin baseball game last week and met with shortstop Walt Weiss, who wears No. 22 in honor of Morris.

Said Weiss: “He’s shorter than I thought.”

Said Morris: “Some redneck told me the other day that I’m just an itsby-bitsy thing. You know what? So is a bullet.”

Real heavyweights: The Philadelphia Eagles, preparing for their exhibition against the New Orleans Saints in Tokyo, paid tribute to sumo wrestling by having 325-pound offensive tackle Antone Davis face off against sumo stable owner Kasugayama.

Chad Rowan, an American from Hawaii, is the only foreigner to reach the highest sumo rank of yokozuna and is an Eagle fan. Rowan wrestles under the name Akebono, or “sunrise.” The Eagles, who have lost three key defensive linemen to free agency, might be able to use the 400-plus pounder up front.

Sock it to him: Dan Barreiro of the Minneapolis Star Tribune doesn’t agree with NBC’s Bob Costas that the new playoff system will hurt baseball.

Wrote Barreiro: “It is time for somebody to stick an argyle sock in Bob Costas’ yuppie mouth.”

Hit or mis-hit?Two-time U.S. Open tennis champion Tracy Austin appears in the first episode of ABC’s “Phenom” and is advising the producers about the show’s tennis accuracy.

It’s fiction, remember?In the opening episode of the new NBC series “seaQuest DSV,” which is set in 2018, a crew member wears a Florida Marlin jersey with “World Series Champions 2010” on the back.

Trivia answer: Sam Perkins, Dec. 16 as a Laker and April 6 with the Seattle SuperSonics.

Quotebook: George Foreman: “Boxing is like jazz. The better it is, the less people appreciate it.”