Can Clinton Survive the Humiliation of Puppygate?

OK, quick: Name the crises that have plagued the first year of the Clinton Administration.

What did you come up with?

Nannygate?

Lanigate?

How about Stephanopoulosgate?

You probably haven’t even heard about Puppygate.

That’s because it’s just been leaked on newspaper pages all over the country.

A few days ago, that muckraking organization known as the American Humane Assn. revealed at its national convention in Baltimore that while President Clinton tried to distract the nation by sending U.S. soldiers to Somalia, he was actually making plans to buy a purebred golden retriever.

Devastating, isn’t it?

The poop, as it were, is this: Last May, during a charity auction at Chelsea Clinton’s Sidwell Friends School, the President bid $3,500 on a golden retriever puppy.

Someone with deeper pockets took the dog home.

Next, according to syndicated pet columnist Mike Capuzzo--who will be credited with breaking this scandal wide open when history is written--the President tried to buy a golden retriever puppy owned by Robert Wood Johnson IV, scion of the pharmaceuticals giant Johnson & Johnson. But Clinton was too late. The dogs had already been spoken for by heavy-hitting socialites Laurence and Mary Rockefeller and Revlon Chairman Ronald Perlman, “who whisked his pups away by helicopter,” according to Capuzzo.

(Capuzzo, said an enthusiastic spokeswoman for the ASPCA, “is a well-bred writer and reporter.” I wonder if he sheds.)

Now. You might read this and think: Heavens me, Bill Clinton is the leader of the Free World and he can’t even manage to buy himself a dog???

But you would be missing the point.

The real issues here are moral ones, and frankly, I am disappointed that this has to be explained.

First, humane groups think dogs should not be auction items, and the President must be chastised for participating in one.

“The auction of a golden retriever was ill-advised, insensitive and is to be condemned,” said Roger Caras, ASPCA president. “A dog is not a publicity stunt.”

(Tell that to Cal Worthington.)

Second, how can he turn his back on the millions of American mutts doomed to death because no one will adopt them?

Doesn’t he realize the bottom fell out of the headband market the minute Hillary ditched hers?

Has that taught him nothing about leadership by example?

*

I can understand why the President has a yen for the golden retriever. He wants a dog that goes with his image: Strong. Proud. Given to a slight paunch.

Who, after all, wants to run through the morning mists with Benji at his side? Benji is cute, but he just isn’t . . . presidential.

Goldens may be dumb as rocks, but they are magnificent to behold. They are the Fabios of the dog world: all flowing manes, no brains.

Anyway, there are other reasons for choosing a dimwitted doggie.

I am sure the Clintons took heed of the Bush family’s unpleasant experience with Millie, the spotlight-stealing Springer spaniel whose autobiography sold so many copies she actually out-earned George and Barbara one year.

Who wants an overachiever for a pet?

*

The “President Clinton Adopt-a-Mutt Campaign” kicked off Wednesday at the American Humane Assn. convention. A giant petition was unveiled. It asked the Clintons to consider adopting a mutt, or if they must have a pea-brained purebred, then at least one abandoned to a shelter.

The petition excerpted a letter sent to Clinton by Caras last summer, in which he wrote that as many as 15 million unwanted dogs are put to death in this country each year.

“If you were to adopt a random-bred pup, a real Benji type of dog, our adoption rates across this country would soar through the ceiling,” wrote Caras. “Hundreds of thousands of dogs that would otherwise be put to death would be adopted by homes who want to follow the White House example.

“Please, Mr. President, consider the ramifications of even this simplest of acts and consider lending your enormous influence to help solve a truly tragic problem.”

The First Lady’s press office reports that the Clintons have no plans at the moment to add to their menagerie. With all this pressure, who can blame them?

Frankly, I am getting a little suspicious about who tipped off the press to this story. There’s really only one resident of the White House who benefits from the Clintons not having a dog.

Don’t you think Socks has looked awfully smug lately?