Practicing the Party Line : Socializing: If <i> um</i> is the first word you think of around strangers, then you need to learn the art of small talk: Display warmth and knowledge, listen and compliment.

You’re at a holiday party with a roomful of gabby charmers, all of whom, you are convinced, are far more interesting and clever than you are.

You try to work the room, but your palms get clammy, your heart pounds, and you slink off to a quiet corner, convinced that you couldn’t break the ice with a pick ax.

Party Angst, Garth.

But making small talk at parties shouldn’t be so intimidating, say experts in the art of schmoozing.

“Anyone can become a master in meeting people,” says Leil Lowndes, a New York City-based consultant, lecturer and author of “How to Talk to Anybody About Anything.” “You have to find out what the other person’s hot button is.”

Lowndes offers three steps to help party phobes.

“First, in two minutes or less imagine the person you have just been introduced to is someone you haven’t seen in years. Shake hands and radiate warmth.”

Then, try to be knowledgeable. “Ask that person an insider’s question about the profession he or she is in,” says Lowndes, whose newly published book lists questions to raise with anyone from accountants to Zen Buddhists. “Continue chatting knowledgeably as the subject jumps from astrology to wine to bowling or cooking.”

Lowndes says common sense is always the best guide in “coming up with good questions to ask. But don’t be threatening with your questions. Questions should always keep in mind a person’s ego.”

Step Three: Listen like a lawyer, picking up on clues to the other person’s personality.

“Pick up on details that can lead to other conversations. Pretend you are going to have a quiz over what your new friend is saying. And while you’re listening, remember to echo back the same words that person uses for the job or the family or the sport he or she is gabbing about.”

Lowndes calls this party chatting “method captioning.” She says one of the most important things to remember is to repeat the person’s name a few times. It shows that you’re not only listening but are interested in what that person has to say.

Then there’s body language.

If the conversation is going well, Lowndes says, you should lean forward and lock your eyes on the other person, indicating that you’re being swept away by the conversation. “If you are enjoying what they are saying, a smile will come over your face.” There will be a lot of nodding going on “and you won’t be folding your arms over your chest.”

Now you’re ready for the next party-babble challenge: compliment giving.

“Don’t be afraid to do this,” Lowndes says. “There are lots of books written about insults. Whatever happened to compliments?

“If someone has been telling you about something like the latest root canal techniques, say, ‘Oh, I think you have wonderful insight about dentistry.’ Whatever that person has been talking about, give a real corny compliment. It’s OK to be as schmaltzy as you like with a compliment because people love to hear wonderful things about themselves,” she says.

Terri Mandell, lecturer and author of “Power Schmoozing, the New Etiquette for Social and Business Success,” says people also should talk about themselves, always keeping in mind that honesty is the best policy.

“To make a good impression is to give a lot of information about yourself and tell as much of the truth as you possibly can. It gives the other person you are speaking to permission to do the same.”

Mandell has taught her Power Schmoozing seminar for four years at colleges and businesses across the country and in Los Angeles through the Learning Annex.

“Why do people suffer social anxiety at parties? It’s because of the way we were brought up, which is why traditional etiquette should be thrown out the window,” she says. “As children, we were taught not to interrupt, not to eavesdrop, not to tell family secrets, to only speak when spoken to, to keep our opinions to ourselves, to don’t be different and to not talk about ourselves because it’s rude.”

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Deep-six the old rules. Mandell’s party precepts teach “being yourself”:

* If you’re divorced and looking for a mate, say so.

* If you’re jobless and looking for work, chat it up.

* If you’re going through drug rehab and want to talk about it, don’t hold back.

* If you’re gay and feel comfortable sharing that information, go for it.

“Whatever your story, it’s time to tell the whole story,” she says. And remember, Mandell cautions, you have five minutes or less in which to make an impression.

It also helps to be slightly irreverent, “otherwise you come across like everybody else in the room,” she says, adding that talking to people in elevators is one way to practice irreverence.

And don’t fear rejection.

“Take risks at parties,” she says. “Ninety-nine percent of the time you will be rewarded by the experience.” She says the key to surviving the endless round of parties and small talk is to remember that other people are just as afraid as you are, and “if you can disarm them, they will love you.”

Theresa Lippert, a mental-health counselor who teaches the Learning Annex class “How to Make Your Conversations and Yourself Memorable,” says not to worry about fitting in. “If everybody else is being stiff and formal, then you are going to be the most attractive person in the room. Not fitting in makes you much more interesting.”

Lippert says the problem with most wanna-be revelers is, “They go into a party thinking, ‘I don’t know who is going to like me.’ Why don’t you just assume that you are going to walk into a party and everyone is going to like you?”

Donna Walker says “parties used to scare the hell out of me,” but no more. Walker, general manager of Interlok Audio Post Studios in Hollywood, routinely turned down many party invitations until a few years ago, when she read books and took seminars on how to be a better conversationalist and party-goer.

“I used to think, ‘Oh God, they all know each other. I won’t fit in. I’m going to be an outsider,’ ” she says. “Now I know how to manage that fear. I go up to someone and say, ‘I’m scared. I am not comfortable here. Can you introduce me to others?’ ”

Gene Fay, director of administrative services for Red Ribbon AIDS Foundation, a nonprofit organization, always considered himself an outgoing person, but never a party animal.

“I used to have a hard time going up to new people and talking about my work because people would think I wanted money from them,” he says. “But now at parties I don’t feel awkward doing that. People are interested in my story.”

Like Walker, Fay also enrolled in seminars to help him fine-tune his party talk savvy.

Between now and the new year, Fay says, he will attend up to 30 parties, most of them work-related, all of them involving plenty of small talk.

“In the past, you could say I would socialize with the people I already knew and would wait for those people to introduce me to others,” he says. “But now I’ve got more confidence. The more times you party, the easier it becomes.”

Try These Icebreakers

Want to create an instant rapport with people you’ve just met at a party? As you make your holiday party rounds, Leil Lowndes, author of “How to Talk to Anybody About Anything,” suggests asking these very L.A. types of icebreakers.

* Bodybuilder: “You have incredible symmetry. How did you achieve that?”

* Plastic surgeon: “Do you have special inspiration for facial sculpting?”

* Surfer: “Are you a long-boarder or a short-boarder?”

* Actor/Actress: “What types of roles have you been cast in? Are you in anything now?”

* Aerobics instructor: “Do you do it primarily for cardiovascular fitness or to keep trim?”

* Bungee jumper: “Do you usually jump renegade or legal?”

* Motorcycle biker: “Have many hassles with cagers (motorists who purposefully pull in front of bikers)? Been on any toy runs?”

* Real estate person: “When do you think real estate will become a popular investment again?”

* Environmentalist: “Do you think it’s possible to make legislation for other ecosystems that we’re not familiar with?”

* Musician: “Do you think a recording artist can do better on a major label or an indie?”

* Models: “How many go-sees (auditions) do you have in an average week?”

* Hairdressers: “Do you go to the hair shows?”

* Screenwriters: “Where do you do most of your writing?”

* New Age follower: “You’ve used that word several times. What exactly does it mean?”