A Major Task for the Holidays: Tracking Down the Right Cards : The vast selection, makes the mind reel. The goal is to find something funny, complimentary and suitable. If only you could go back in time and not see what you saw.

There you were, dropping off a package at the post office in downtown Ventura, when you spotted the “Christmas Cards Only” mailbox out front. “Do so many people send those things that they need a special box?” you asked yourself in disbelief. The question, it was clear, was rhetorical.

And the guilt, it was clear, was setting in.

You tried to calculate how many times you had sent Christmas cards to anyone. Your best guess? Never.

Well, your Scrooge-like attitude was going to change. It wasn’t as if you never sent greeting cards. It’s just that the sending of Christmas cards seemed overwhelming. You figured you either had to leave out some important people or send cards to almost everyone you knew. The pressure was too much.

But this year would be different.

So a week later--it took that much time to muster up the courage--you head over to Connie’s Hallmark store in Ventura. A nice place. Far Side, Peanuts, generic cards. You figure something is bound to catch your eye.

Admittedly, you aren’t sure who is on your Christmas card list, but that can be dealt with later. You will find the cards you like, then figure out who gets them.

You confidently stride over to the card section and are surprised at how specific the Christmas card categories are: “Brother,” “Mother,” “Father,” “Friend.” You are familiar with these. Then comes “Doctor,” “Hairstylist.” You wish you had a hairstylist to send a card to . . . indeed, you wish you had a hairstyle. You read on: “Nephew,” “Niece,” “Veterinarian.”

You open the veterinarian card: “You always know the very nicest way to treat a pet. Wishing happy holidays to a kind and caring vet.” Cute, but it wouldn’t work for anyone you know. Then you notice the animal sections. “For cat,” “For dog,” “From cat,” “From dog.” From dog?

One of the last reads, “May you get doggie treats, and good things to eat, and get scratched in your favorite spot.” Now that one would be appropriate for an acquaintance or two, but you decide against it.

You see there are even cards to be sent from one pet to another. By now you are feeling light-headed.

As you shuffle into the Far Sides display, you notice a stern-faced woman chuckling over a Christmas card. If it can make her laugh, you figure, it must be funny. So you hover, waiting for her to leave, hoping she doesn’t take the last card.

She goes. You grab the card and read it.

It’s sexist, and not funny.

You leave quietly, go home, and make a list. Check it twice. Not many people to send cards to, about five friends. Not even enough for one of those six-packs of cards.

In a couple of days you’re back on the hunt. In the morning you hit a few stores and a mall and get thoroughly frustrated. None of the cards seems quite right. You contemplate making your own. But that won’t do; this has become a mission.

You take a break from your search about noon and pick it up again in the afternoon. Your first, and hopefully last, stop is the Thrifty store near Buenaventura Mall. You’ve bought “Thank You” and “Hello” cards there and have been pleased with the selection. After all, they sell cards with the Ziggy comic strip character.

After a few minutes of browsing you hit pay dirt. You find one card that on the outside reads, “A Christmas wish for a great friend . . . . “ and, inside, “Hey, wait a minute! Why should I wish for a great friend? I already have you! I’m gonna wish for a car.” It’s cute, complimentary, quite suitable for someone special.

Bang. Bang. Bang. You pick up three more cards. It’s a holiday bonanza.

One card reads, “yrreM. samtsirhC.” It opens backward and inside, says, “ . . . From your bass-ackward friend!” Who’s going to get this? You haven’t a clue.

A third card shows Ziggy, on the cover, all tangled up in Christmas lights (just as you might be if you were doing the decorating).

Inside it says, simply, “May all your Christmases be bright!” That’s Ziggy as you know him: understated yet humorous.

You choose another subtle Ziggy, and find yourself in need of just one more card. Unable to find it, you make your way to another store. It’s packed, especially in the Christmas card aisle. You have a mini-anxiety attack. Just one more card, you tell yourself.

You hear a young woman telling the guy she’s with, “I haven’t found anything. You could help me look, you know.” Ah, good, maybe you can be witness to some authentic holiday bickering.

After about 10 minutes, just as you’ve lapped the displays for the second time, something catches your eye. There’s something about the writing on one of the cards. You grab it. It has a drawing of a mother cat near a Christmas tree, with her kitten sitting in the corner of the room. The mother is saying, “And you’ll STAY in that corner until you learn to knock the ornaments off like the other children.” Inside it says, “Happy Holidays.”

You’ve found the last card.

You’re proud and pleased with your persistence. You feel like you’ve accomplished a major task.

Now if only you had stamps.

This week’s reluctant novice is Leo Smith, a regular contributor to Ventura County Life.