LAUGH LINES : From the Home Office in . . .
Yermo, Calif., “Gateway to Barstow.”
Laugh Lines Readers’ Top 10 Reasons Why David Letterman Should Move “The Late Show” to L.A.--Permanently:
10. OK to turn left on a red light to avoid drive-by shooting. (Gordon Mitchell, Tarzana)
9. Three words: Looters, Polluters, Hooters. (Randy Vance, Norwalk)
8. Street people not only wash car windows, they also apply sun block in those hard-to-reach places. (Roger Cruz, Pasadena)
7. Baseball cap and T-shirt considered formal wear. (Gary Easley, Whittier)
6. Easier to swap tan-line and bikini-wax horror stories with “Baywatch” babes. (Jonathan Torp, Los Angeles)
5. Julia Roberts may be holding interviews for second odd-looking husband. (Larry Omaha, Sherman Oaks)
4. Chalk body outlines done in pastels. (John Nachreiner, Redondo Beach)
3. “Hello, my name is Howard Stern, governor of New York.” (Jay Fukuzawa, Monterey Park)
2. Caltrans promises to retro-fit gap in teeth. (Greg Gibson, Torrance)
1. Leslie Abramson can handle your speeding tickets . . . pro bono. (Roman Major, La Mirada)
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So what did you win?
We’d like to say we were able to get tickets to “Late Show” tapings in L.A. We would also like to be younger and more attractive. That might be easier.
Instead, we’ll be sending you the first 10 Laugh Lines Humor Master T-shirts--just as soon as they’re off the press. These shirts will be awarded only to winners of LL contests and indeed signify that the wearer is a humor master.
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So how did we select the winners?
Since last Monday morning, we have received hundreds of letters and faxes that offered thousands of reasons for Dave to move his show to L.A.
Each entry was read, and a list of about 250 of the best were selected for consideration by the Laugh Lines Supreme Court. The court narrowed the list to about 30 and then voted again, coming up with the Top 10.
We realize, of course, that humor is subjective. In that vein, and to give you even more reason to question our choices, below is a sampling of other finalists. (names of submitters are omitted because of space considerations).
There are a lot of funny people in Southern California, and we thank you for entering. We hope you’ll find upcoming contests fun.
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Runner-up reasons for David Letterman to become a permanent L.A. fixture:
* With every speeding ticket, the CHP hands out a dinner mint.
* Needs California for 1996 presidential race.
* Can threaten move back to New York when studio sky boxes aren’t built.
* Lakers need a coach, Letterman’s in town; ‘nuff said.
* Madonna’s panties are worth something in this town.
* Can interview all 22 people living inside Roseanne’s body.
* Two words: FEMA money!
* Easier to get to Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch for slumber parties.
* Can yell, “This is the Big One!” to crew during aftershocks.
* Work in L.A., live in Palmdale. Just like L.A. cops.
* With $14-million salary, can almost buy a house here.
* If Dave gets tired, Magic Johnson can host the show for the last two weeks of the season.
* Smog comes in two flavors: Original and Extra Chunky.
* Stupid Gang Tricks.
* $15-million bonus for taping show ahead of schedule.
* Pizza delivery boy is also past-life therapist.
* David Letterman, 90210.
* New CBS health plan: free physicals from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
* At age 47, Dave still waiting to feel the earth move.
* If he comes, the Brooklyn Dodgers will follow.
* Haggard, unshaven man who offers to wash your windshield and claims to be a Hollywood producer? Probably is.
