The only disaster that hasn’t befallen L.A.:...

The only disaster that hasn’t befallen L.A.: The employee newsletter sent to the Woodland Hills office of Fireman’s Fund announced that the company’s wedding insurance policy has been “broadened to include tantrums by Mother Nature that preempt a wedding party with blizzard, quake, hurricane, cyclone, tornado, typhoon, tidal wave, wind storm or”--and this is the one that caught our eye--”erupting lava.”

What’s Fireman’s Fund trying to do--tempt the gods here? Next thing you know there’ll be smoke issuing from the top of Mt. Hollywood.

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On second thought: We’re surprised the wedding insurance policy doesn’t also cover postponement because of an attack of killer bees.

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Press releases we never finish: “Driven by the President’s national performance review,” began this bulletin from Edwards Air Force Base, “the continuing defense drawdown will require the Air Force Flight Test Center to accelerate and expand previously planned civilian reductions.”

So far there seems no drawdown of Pentagon doublespeak.

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Talk about big drawdowns: The city of Long Beach seems to have temporarily closed it borders, according to an otherwise friendly sign at one branch of its Convention and Visitors Council. Wonder if Signal Hill or Lakewood have heard anything?

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Reminds us of that bumper sticker, “Play an Accordion--Go to Jail”: Rhino Records, known for its offbeat releases, sent out a detailed questionnaire to industry writers as part of an effort to update and compartmentalize its mailing list.

“If you’re a contributing writer for ‘Polka Today,’ for instance, we may not be able to justify sending you our pricey Otis Redding box,” Rhino said, “but we might like to send you ‘On Yo’ Feet: The History of ‘70s Polka.’ ” It continues: “Sorry, literalists, don’t ask us to send this title to you--we just made it up!” Gee, and that’s one of our few areas of expertise, too.

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Connecting to L.A.: Name the recent TV movie that portrayed a one-time North Hollywoodian. Count yourself an honorary NoHo resident if you said “Amelia Earhart: The Final Flight,” the story of the aviator who disappeared in 1937. Jim Mullen, the mordant wit who writes Entertainment Weekly’s Hot Sheet column, summed up her final voyage this way:

“Proof that it’s not only men who won’t ask for directions.”

miscelLAny:

It was the scene of the most collisions in L.A. County--and proud of it! But no more will the area west of the corner of Colorado and Ocean avenues in Santa Monica have that distinction. The bumper car ride on the Santa Monica Pier has been shut down.